549: Westley's a Dick
|Westley's a Dick|
Title text: Inigo/Buttercup 4eva <3
This is an alternate take on the comedy film The Princess Bride. The film takes place in the country of Florin. Buttercup (played by Robin Wright) was a farmer who took her greatest joy from bossing Westley (Cary Elwes) around like a servant. His only reply to her requests would be, "As you wish". As time passed, Buttercup realized that when Westley said "As you wish", what he really meant was "I love you". And one day she realized that she truly loved him back.
However, having no money for marriage, Westley went away to seek his fortune across the sea. Buttercup soon received word that Westley had been murdered by the Dread Pirate Roberts, and for days she neither slept nor ate, falling into a deep despondency and swearing that she would never love again.
Five years later, the aged King of Florin is near death, and the heir apparent, Prince Humperdinck, chooses Buttercup to be his bride, considering her to be the fairest maiden in the land. However, Buttercup doesn't love him. One day, while out riding, she is captured by three bandits — a Sicilian self-proclaimed genius named Vizzini, Spanish swordsman Inigo Montoya, and gentle giant Fezzik. (Vizzini is the only one of the trio who's genuinely malevolent, though.) The trio had been hired by Humperdinck to kill Buttercup and make it look like rival nation Guilder was responsible, giving Humperdinck the only excuse he needs to start a war between the two countries.
What they didn't count on was that Westley, wearing the outfit of a "Man in Black" (all-black clothing, sword, and black mask) was following them to stop them. Catching up to the trio, Westley defeats Inigo in fencing, Fezzik in hand-to-hand combat (rendering the two of them unconscious), and then kills Vizzini in a battle of wits.
Westley doesn't reveal his identity to Buttercup at first, but he gladly admits to being the Dread Pirate Roberts. Believing him to have been responsible for Westley's death, Buttercup gets into a vehement argument with him, culminating with her saying, "I died that day! And you can die too, for all I care!"
She pushes him off a hill, with Westley replying "Aaaaaass... yoooooouuuu... wiiiiiish!" on the way down. Finally realizing who he is, she rolls down after him, and that's the point at which this comic picks up.
Because there are several fundamentally questionable decisions Westley had to have made in order for the film's narrative to make any sense whatsoever. He took over as the Dread Pirate Roberts from the man previously known as Roberts — who also isn't the original DPR. Westley became, at minimum, the fourth man known as the Dread Pirate Roberts — it's a legacy name designed to evoke fear into the populace. (As he said, no one would surrender to the Dread Pirate Westley.)
But over the last five years, while earning the previous Roberts' respect, taking over for him and then making his fortune, Westley has allowed Buttercup to believe that he'd been murdered, preventing her from getting on with the rest of her life. And now he kills people, sacks ports and loots ships for a living.
"Screw this", the comic's Buttercup says. "I'm gonna go see if [Inigo] is single." Of course, Inigo's had to be a bad guy for awhile now himself, but he admitted even to Westley that he was just doing it to pay the bills.
- Buttercup: Oh, my sweet Westley!
- Buttercup: Why did you let me think you were dead?
- Westley: You shacked up with the prince!
- Buttercup: After years of mourning! The worst pain of my life!
- Buttercup: And now you ... kill people?
- Westley: I'd hardly be a dread pirate if I didn't.
- Buttercup: How lovable.
- Westley: It was for the sake of the narrative!
- Buttercup: Fuck the narrative. I'm going to go see if that Spaniard's single.
- Westley: ...As you wish.