explain xkcd - User contributions [en]

26: Fourier

2019-10-02T03:05:08Z

ArcadesTheOmnipotent: The Fourier transform isn't a function; it's a function transform

{{comic
| number = 26
| date = November 2, 2005
| title = Fourier
| image = fourier.jpg
| titletext = That cat has some serious periodic components
}}

==Explanation==
A {{w|Fourier transform}} is a mathematical function transformation often used in physics and engineering.

The theory is that any line graph can be represented as the sum of a bunch of sine waves of different frequencies and amplitudes. (The most obvious application is in analysing a sound recording in terms of the different frequencies of sounds used.) So, for any line graph, you can produce another graph of the frequencies and their amplitudes. This can be done by evaluating an integral based on the function, which is referred to as "taking the Fourier transform" of the function. The form of the integral that needs to be taken is actually shown in the third line of the comic [[55: Useless]].

Unfortunately, Cueball has applied this "transform" to his cat. Although it seems to still be alive and possibly even unharmed, it is clearly not in its familiar shape, and it is not clear if this condition is permanent or not.

"Periodic components" in the title text refers to the spikes in the graph. Because sine waves repeat themselves as you go along, the presence of large amounts of one particular sine wave in the Fourier transform graph (each spike) shows that the overall result (the initial graph) is likely to have parts that also repeat themselves, like a {{w|periodic function}}. In other words, the cat has repeating parts.

==Transcript==
:[Cueball talks on phone. A grotesque-looking cat with many sharp vertical points looks on.]
:Cueball: Hi, Dr. Elizabeth? Yeah, uh ... I accidentally took the Fourier transform of my cat...
:Cat: Meow!

==Trivia==
*This was the 27th comic originally posted to [[LiveJournal]].
**The previous was [[25: Barrel - Part 4]].
**The next was [[27: Meat Cereals]].
*Original title: "Wednesday's Drawing - Fourier"
*There were no original [[Randall]] quote for this comic.
*This comic was posted on [[xkcd]] when the web site opened on Sunday the 1st of January 2006.
**It was posted along [[:Category:First day on xkcd|with all 41 comics]] posted before that on LiveJournal as well as a few others.
**The latter explaining why the numbers of these 41 LiveJournal comics ranges from 1-44.
*One of the original drawings drawn on [[:Category:Checkered paper|checkered paper]].

{{comic discussion}}

[[Category:Comics posted on livejournal| 27]]
[[Category:First day on xkcd]]
[[Category:Checkered paper]]
[[Category:Comics with color]]
[[Category:Comics featuring Cueball]]
[[Category:Math]]
[[Category:Animals]]

1619: Watson Medical Algorithm

2017-01-23T01:13:07Z

ArcadesTheOmnipotent: Added note about there being no option for "No blood loss"

{{comic
| number = 1619
| date = December 21, 2015
| title = Watson Medical Algorithm
| image = watson_medical_algorithm.png
| titletext = Due to a minor glitch, 'discharge patient' does not cause the algorithm to exit, but instead leads back to 'hunt down and capture patient'.
}}

==Explanation==
IBM's {{w|Watson (computer)|Watson}} is a natural language system designed to answer questions posed by humans. Recently, {{w|IBM}} has extended Watson to act as a {{w|clinical decision support system}}, using image analytics to aid {{w|physicians}} in medical decision making.

In this comic, [[Randall]] uses a {{w|flowchart}} (as he [[:Category:Flowcharts|often does]]) to represent a guide to the algorithm used by Watson, including bizarre techniques including surgical alteration of a patient to match a height and weight chart or squeezing the patient to make sure fluids come out of them. Like [[416: Zealous Autoconfig]], this comic pokes fun at a rigid, poorly-designed setup that ends up potentially doing more harm than good. The computer's behavior in this comic can be compared to the health-care robot named Baymax in the movie {{w|Big Hero 6 (film)|Big Hero 6}}.

Modern {{w|medicine}} involves both standard processes and clinical judgment based around years of advanced training. An algorithm like this would have to be incredibly complicated in order to simulate the clinical judgment of a good doctor. However, some procedures are not normally used, and some would obviously cause damage.{{Citation needed}} Below is a [[#Explaination of steps|detailed description of each step]], but here is a list of some of the more strange steps:
*The algorithm depicted treats a patient as more of a machine or mechanical system than a living being, especially through decisions such as:
**Injecting oxygen into patients with low {{w|Oxygen saturation (medicine)|oxygen saturation}}, rather than treating the root cause.
**Removing and inspecting a skeleton, then diagnosing the patient's condition with a bone count. This is likely a reference to [http://buttersafe.com/2015/10/15/a-serious-case-of-spookiness/ A Serious Case Of Spookiness] from the [http://buttersafe.com/ Buttersafe] web-comic, a comic Randall links to from below the comics on {{xkcd}}.
***In the book ''[[Thing Explainer]]'' there is an explanation ''Colors of light'' for the electromagnetic spectrum, where [[Ponytail]] as a doctor looks at a full body x-ray of [[Cueball]] and exclaims that ''... It looks like your body is full of bones'' to which Cueball replies ''Oh no! Is there any cure?'' Well if he meets Watson he might have them all removed... This comic came out about a month after the book so it may be viewed as a kind of reference to the problem with too many bones.
**{{w|Dissecting}} a doctor "for parts" after consulting him or her for advice.
**Removing extra limbs from a patient if the count is 100 or more (This might be a reference to different number systems used in computers, as 100 is read in binary as four.)
**Determining whether the "build environment" of the patient is sane. This is most probably a reference to the {{w|configure script}} used in the {{w|GNU_build_system|GNU build system}}, which emits "checking whether build environment is sane" as one of its status messages.
**Rinsing the whole patient with a {{w|Saline (medicine)|saline solution}}.
**Removing organs from a patient regardless of response to an {{w|organ donation}} request.
*Other decisions appear to be entirely unrelated to the conditions upon which they are predicated:
**If the patient doesn't rate their {{w|Pain scale|pain on a scale}} from 0-10, {{w|Genome project|sequence their genome}}, apply a {{w|tourniquet}}, and perform an {{w|autopsy}}
**If the patient's phone's battery is low, {{w|Defibrillation|defibrillate}} until the battery is charged, sync photos, then administer general anesthesia
**If the patient is successfully comforted after an oxygen injection, check their medical history and apply {{w|Skin grafting|skin grafts}}
**If green fluid is released from the patient, begin to {{w|Cauterization|cauterize}}
**If the patient has less than 100 limbs, check their {{w|Vitamin D}} level

Although there are two options where the patient is {{w|Inpatient_care#Planning_for_patient_discharge|discharged}} the patient should be very lucky to make it there alive.

The option at the bottom left is only reached after your skeleton is removed (and nothing is mentioned about putting it back, even if that would help).

The other discharge option is to the right, three boxes down, and can only be reached if you survive having an oxygen saturation of less than 50 % (less than 80-90 % can be a serious problem, see [[#Explaination of steps|table below]]), and a very dangerous oxygen injection. Then you have to have a skin graft and a good D vitamin level. It is also best that you have a fully charged phone else you will be subject to defibrillation (which may very likely kill you, if it will continue until your phone is charged to above "low" level - which is probably not even possible).

You can also reach this discharge option another way, but that would only be after your organs were removed... But if you get through this you could reach the discharged option alive. Sadly there is a little glitch mentioned in the title text:

The title text implies that, if the patient is so lucky to ever reach one of the two places with the option "discharge patient", a minor glitch will cause the program to go back to the ''hunt down and capture patient'' option which thus force the patient and the program to repeat the process again in an infinite cycle, that will only end once the patient give another rating than 0-10 of their pain level on the 0-10 scale. Then the program will start to sequence their genome, then apply a tourniquet and finally perform an autopsy on what will, in the end, for certain be a deceased patient; but maybe the patient was still alive when the autopsy began. This will finally cause the patient to leave the cycle as a corpse. If the patient dies before giving a different option, the machine could get stuck, as it will never receive any answer to the pain level question. It could also get stuck trying to charge the patients phone battery by defibrilation.

This is the second comic in a row about health issues with the last comic being [[1618: Cold Medicine]].

===Explanation of steps===
{| class="wikitable"
| | Step
| | Medically valid?
| | Conditions and following step
|-
| |
Draw Blood
| |
Phlebotomy is a normal early step in the diagnostic process, but not as first and unconditional step
| |
Record patient’s name
|-
| |
Record patient’s name
| |
OK
| |
Measure Patient’s height and Weight
|-
| |
Measure Patient’s height and Weight
| |
OK
| |
Consult Standard height/weight chart
|-
| |
Consult Standard height/weight chart
| |
OK
| |
Surgically adjust patient to match
|-
| |
Surgically adjust patient to match
| |
May be considered ethically dubious unless there are [http://www.gosh.nhs.uk/medical-information/procedures-and-treatments/limb-length-difference-and-limb-lengthening sound medical reasons] for doing so. Could be an allusion to {{w|Procrustes}}.
| |
Is patient coughing up blood?
|-
| width="33%" rowspan=2 |
Is patient coughing up blood?
| width="33%" rowspan=2 |
OK, coughing up blood is generally a sign that there is something wrong. Typical causes are respiratory tract infections (e.g. tuberculosis), lung trauma or pulmonary embolism.
| |
Yes: Gather blood and return it to body
|-
| |
No: Is patient still here?
|-
| width="33%" rowspan=2 |
Is patient still here?
| width="33%" rowspan=2 |
Not usually considered a step, but missing patients are a problem in some fields, psychiatry or intensive care for example.
| |
Yes: Record pulse rate
|-
| |
No: Hunt down and capture patient
|-
| |
Hunt down and capture patient
| |
Valid if patient should not have left the bed/unit, but the wording is possibly dubious.
| |
Is patient still here?
|-
| |
Gather blood and return it to body
| |
Dangerous idea in this case due to likelihood of contamination, although if safely done autotransfusion is an accepted medical technique to ensure a matching blood supply prior to a major operation, or to enhance stamina (blood doping)
| |
Record pulse rate
|-
| |
Record pulse rate
| |
OK, but maybe a little late.
| |
Is patient screaming?
|-
| width="33%" rowspan=2 |
Is patient screaming?
| width="33%" rowspan=2 |
Very important question, indicating patient is conscious, in pain, and aware pain is bad. First attenders can use it in classifying priorities (quiet patients may be more severely injured). Generally useful in assessing nerve damage, pain relief, etc.
| |
Yes: Ignore
|-
| |
No: Check blood O2 saturation
|-
| width="33%" rowspan=2 ` |
Check blood O2 saturation
| width="33%" rowspan=2 |
Only really indicated if the patient is in danger of hypoxia. Generally normal people should have a SpO2 of 98-100%, but in chronic lung disease this can fall as low to 80%, and in premature babies a SpO2 of 90% is usually targeted to avoid problems with retinopathy. If the SpO2 were to fall as low as 50%, the patient would definitely be dead or unconscious.
| |
>50%: Remove and inspect skeleton
|-
| |
<50%: Inject oxygen
|-
| width="33%" rowspan=2 |
Remove and inspect skeleton
| width="33%" rowspan=2 |
Fatal if patient is still alive when beginning. Also not a valid medical procedure in any way as it is impossible to remove most of the long bones of the body without destroying all surrounding tissue.
| |
Too many bones: Is fluid coming out of patient?
|-
| |
Too few bones: Request consult with human doctor
|-
| |
Request consult with human doctor
| |
Medically valid in the context of obtaining an opinion from a doctor in a different speciality who is better suited to treating the patient.
| |
Dissect doctor for parts
|-
| |
Dissect doctor for parts
| | This may be considered ethically dubious. Possible reference to the Doctor Who episode “{{w|The Girl in the Fireplace}}”
| |
Discharge patient (left)
|-
| |
Discharge patient (left)
| |
Acceptable, but patient would generally be dead by then.
| |
END STATE (before you read the title text)
|-
| width="33%" rowspan=2 |
Is fluid coming out of patient
| width="33%" rowspan=2 |
Unintended fluid release is always a problem. How significant a problem depends on where the fluid came from and if it is supposed to be coming from there. Red generally is due to blood, yellow is due to pus/tissue fluid/lymph and green signifies bacterial infection or bile salts (biliverdin). Could also relate to normal fluids being lost (e.g. urine, saliva, sweat)
| |
No: Squeeze patient
|-
| |
Yes: What color?
|-
| |
Squeeze patient
| |
Could be in the medical context is in providing external ventilation (see iron lung) or other means of removing fluid (e.g. squeezing pus from a boil).
| |
Is fluid coming out of patient
|-
| width="33%" rowspan=4 |
What color?
| width="33%" rowspan=4 |
Never underestimate the number of different types of fluid the body can produce. This may also be a refence to [[1148: Nothing to Offer]].
| |
Yellow: Squeeze Patient
|-
| |
Black: Activate Sprinklers
|-
| |
Red: Ask patient to rate pain level
|-
| |
Green: Cauterize
|-
| |
Activate sprinklers
| |
Not medically valid. Presumably a reference to how much cleaning up will be required by this stage. Or, since this occurs when fluids are black, the black fluids might indicate that there are ashes or charred tissue, indicate that the patient has caught on fire and sprinklers are needed to extinguish the fire.
| |
Subdue patient
|-
| |
Subdue patient
| |
Potentially very important if patient is behaving dangerously to themselves and others around them (due to mental health issues e.g. psychosis or drugs) and/or is moving too much to be given treatment. This would be likely due to what happened earlier.
| |
Apply cream
|-
| |
Apply cream
| |
Medically valid as a form of barrier dressing to improve wound healing.
| |
Ask patient to rate pain level
|-
| width="33%" rowspan=4 |
Ask patient to rate pain level
| width="33%" rowspan=4 |
Useful in the sense that it provides the doctor with the means to ensure that the patient is receiving adequate analgesia during conditions of chronic and acute pain.
| |
0-8: Massage scalp
|-
| |
9: Admit for observation
|-
| |
10: Laser eye removal
|-
| |
Other response: Sequence genome
|-
| |
Massage scalp
| |
This would belong more to the domain of palliative care and reflexology rather than being an accepted medical treatment.
| |
Patient is healthy
|-
| |
Patient is healthy
| |
A subjective assessment of the health patient is often helpful in ruling out certain diagnoses. For example, one is less likely to suspect cancer in a fit, healthy 30 year old than a thin, lethargic 50 year old.
| |
Admit for observation
|-
| |
Admit for observation
| |
Useful in the context of 'watchful waiting', in which the doctor may be unsure if the patient actually has a condition that they suspect that the patient has. By keeping the patient on the ward for a few days, the clinician can monitor the progression of symptoms and rapidly initiate adequate treatment if medically warranted.
| |
Ask patient to rate pain level
|-
| |
Laser eye removal
| |
This is not a standard medical procedure, and not a good idea. This could be a pun on laser eye surgery where a laser is used to correct visual problems (e.g. short-sightedness), or laser hair and tattoo removal. Laser eye removal is also discussed in [[1681: Laser Products]].
| |
Admit for observation
|-
| |
Sequence genome
| |
Useful in the association of extremely rare point mutations with an organic illness. See for instance the Genome 10K Project or the Cancer Genome Atlas. Or in diagnosing extremely rare mutations that are not picked up by most commercial DNA screening tests (e.g. kidney failure due to INF2 mutation).
| |
Apply tourniquet
|-
| |
Apply tourniquet
| |
Useful to stop acute bleeding from an injured extremity, but if it is drawn too tightly it can cause neuromuscular damage.
| |
Perform autopsy
|-
| |
Perform autopsy
| | The patient has died, and Watson is being ordered to determine the cause of death. Note that the only way to reach this state is from "apply tourniquet", implying the cause of death is strangulation via tourniquet.
| | END STATE (taking the title text into account, the only possible one)
|-
| |
Inject oxygen
| |
May be fatal as injecting gases directly to the blood vessels can cause a serious embolism if it blocks blood flow to the brain or coronary arteries. However, if the oxygen is injected slowly into the venous circulation, it may be survivable as the bubbles may simply collect in the lungs where the oxygen is then slowly reabsorbed into the blood.
| |
Comfort patient
|-
| width="33%" rowspan=2 |
Comfort patient
| width="33%" rowspan=2 |
Psychological support to the patient and relatives is often useful after breaking news of a poor prognosis. It may also be useful in subduing the agitated or psychotic patient.
| |
Comforting successful: Review medical history
|-
| |
Comforting unsuccessful: Subdue patient
|-
| |
Review medical history
| |
Important early step, rather too late and conditional.
| |
Skin grafts
|-
| |
Skin grafts
| |
Only indicated if massive areas of the skin are damaged (typically due to burns)
| |
Count number of limbs
|-
| width="33%" rowspan=2 |
Count number of limbs
| width="33%" rowspan=2 |
Not really relevant in medicine, but may be of use to know the reason behind any missing or extra limbs on seeing the patient though a through review of the medical history will render this point moot. Probably a little late to be noticing this now.
| |
Fewer than 100: Measure Vitamin D
|-
| |
100+: Remove extra limbs
|-
| |
Remove extra limbs
| |
Medically indicated in cases of polymelia either due to cosmetic purposes or because the extra limbs pose a direct threat to the health of the baby.
| |
Subdue patient
|-
| width="33%" rowspan=2 |
Measure vitamin D
| width="33%" rowspan=2 |
Valid in diagnosis of bone related issues, for example if multiple or comminuted fractures were being counted as additional limbs/bones.
| |
Good: Check whether build environment is sane
|-
| |
Bad: Blood loss?
|-
| |
Check whether build environment is sane
| |
Could be technical reference to the installation of the algorithm in the robot, or could relate to the sanity of:
*The robot doctor
*The patient undergoing this procedure (before or after reaching this part of the process)
*The person who programmed the robot to perform this flowchart
*The person who allowed this state of affairs to occur (I'm looking at you [[Black Hat]])

This could also be a reference to the title text for [[371: Compiler Complaint]].

NB: Whether the build environment is sane is irrelevant to the flowchart.
| |
Rinse patient with saline solution
|-
| |
Rinse patient with saline solution
| |
Tepid sponging may be indicated if the patient has a high fever. Could also refer to internally rinsing patient with saline solution i.e. providing intravenous sodium chloride to boost circulating volume or to perform peritoneal dialysis.
| |
Is patient phone battery low?
|-
| width="33%" rowspan=2 |
Is patient phone battery low?
| width="33%" rowspan=2 |
Invalid in medical terminology, could be a technological metaphor for the patient's consciousness or stamina. "Your life-force is running out"
| |
Yes: Defibrillate
|-
| |
No: Sync photos from camera
|-
| |
Defibrillate
| |
Indicated in cases where there is ventricular fibrillation, and to a lesser extent in atrial fibrillation (chemical cardioversion with adenosine is usually preferred), but would not help with a phone.
| |
Is patient phone battery low?
|-
| |
Sync photos from camera
| |
Definitely invalid. Could refer to the robot attempting to backup photos from a camera before attempting to repair it/attempting to back-up patient's consciousness.
| |
Administer general anesthesia
|-
| |
Administer general anesthesia
| |
Valid, but not at this stage. Only used when the procedure will invoke unnecessary distress or pain to the patient if they were to be awake beforehand.
| |
Discharge patient (right)
|-
| |
Discharge patient (right)
| |
Acceptable if coming from above, but the option from below (see below) would mean that the patient would be dead by then.
| |
END STATE (before you read the title text)
|-
| width="33%" rowspan=2 |
Blood loss?
| width="33%" rowspan=2 |
Useful. Patient may die if this clinical sign is missed. However, it should be noted that there is no option for "No blood loss".
| |
Minor: Patient address changed?
|-
| |
Substantial: Apply cream
|-
| width="33%" rowspan=2 |
Patient address changed?
| width="33%" rowspan=2 |
Useful to ensure that the organisation has current contact details for the patient in the event that they may need to contact the patient (e.g. to arrange further appointments)
| |
Yes: Request organ donation
|-
| |
No: Patient is healthy
|-
| |
Request organ donation
| |
Generally done prior to registering an individual for a driving licence or to a medical practice, or to the relatives of the deceased if consent had not been acquired beforehand.
|Remove organs
|-
| |
Remove organs
| |
The only organs which can be safely removed from a living person without resulting in serious, chronic medical issues are the kidneys/lungs (only one can be removed), spleen, part of the liver (as long as one lobe is left it can regrow to its original size) and colon (usually consisting of the appendix only). With some serious lifestyle modifications, the pancreas, pituitary gland, frontal lobe of brain, half of the brain, adrenal glands, bladder and most of the gut can be removed. The heart can be removed from the body and replaced with an artificial pump for a few months at the most. However, such organ removals are only indicated if there is a genuine clinical need to do so due to the non-negligible risk of death associated with these operations.
| Discharge patient (right)
|-
| |
Title text
| |
The glitch in the algorithm causes it to continue in spite of having just discharged the patient
| Hunt down and capture patient.
|}

==Transcript==
:Heading: A guide to the medical diagnostic and treatment system used by IBM's '''Watson''' system
:[A flowchart with the following steps is shown, starting from "start":]
:{| class="wikitable"
| | Step
| | Following step
|-
| |
Start
| |
Draw Blood
|-
| |
Draw Blood
| |
Record patient’s name
|-
| |
Record patient’s name
| |
Measure Patient’s height and Weight
|-
| |
Measure Patient’s height and Weight
| |
Consult Standard height/weight chart
|-
| |
Consult Standard height/weight chart
| |
Surgically adjust patient to match
|-
| |
Surgically adjust patient to match
| |
Is patient coughing up blood?
|-
| rowspan=2 |
Is patient coughing up blood?
| |
Yes: Gather blood and return it to body
|-
| |
No: Is patient still here?
|-
| rowspan=2 |
Is patient still here?
| |
Yes: Record pulse rate
|-
| |
No: Hunt down and capture patient
|-
| |
Hunt down and capture patient
| |
Is patient still here?
|-
| |
Gather blood and return it to body
| |
Record pulse rate
|-
| |
Record pulse rate
| |
Is patient screaming?
|-
| rowspan=2 |
Is patient screaming?
| |
Yes: Ignore
|-
| |
No: Check blood O2 saturation
|-
| rowspan=2 ` |
Check blood O2 saturation
| |
>50%: Remove and inspect skeleton
|-
| |
<50%: Inject oxygen
|-
| rowspan=2 |
Remove and inspect skeleton
| |
Too many bones: Is fluid coming out of patient?
|-
| |
Too few bones: Request consult with human doctor
|-
| |
Request consult with human doctor
| |
Dissect doctor for parts
|-
| |
Dissect doctor for parts
| |
Discharge patient
|-
| |
Discharge patient
| |
END STATE (before you read the title text)
|-
| rowspan=2 |
Is fluid coming out of patient
| |
No: Squeeze patient
|-
| |
Yes: What color?
|-
| |
Squeeze patient
| |
Is fluid coming out of patient
|-
| rowspan=4 |
What color?
| |
Yellow: Squeeze Patient
|-
| |
Black: Activate Sprinklers
|-
| |
Red: Ask patient to rate pain level
|-
| |
Green: Cauterize
|-
| |
Activate sprinklers
| |
Subdue patient
|-
| |
Subdue patient
| |
Apply cream
|-
| |
Apply cream
| |
Ask patient to rate pain level
|-
| rowspan=4 |
Ask patient to rate pain level
| |
0-8: Massage scalp
|-
| |
9: Admit for observation
|-
| |
10: Laser eye removal
|-
| |
Other response: Sequence genome
|-
| |
Massage scalp
| |
Patient is healthy
|-
| |
Patient is healthy
| |
Admit for observation
|-
| |
Admit for observation
| |
Ask patient to rate pain level
|-
| |
Laser eye removal
| |
Admit for observation
|-
| |
Sequence genome
| |
Apply tourniquet
|-
| |
Apply tourniquet
| |
Perform autopsy
|-
| |
Perform autopsy
| | [End state, and if taking the title text into account, the only possible one]
|-
| |
Inject oxygen
| |
Comfort patient
|-
| rowspan=2 |
Comfort patient
| |
Comforting successful: Review medical history
|-
| |
Comforting unsuccessful: Subdue patient
|-
| |
Review medical history
| |
Skin grafts
|-
| |
Skin grafts
| |
Count number of limbs
|-
| rowspan=2 |
Count number of limbs
| |
Fewer than 100: Measure Vitamin D
|-
| |
100+: Remove extra limbs
|-
| |
Remove extra limbs
| |
Subdue patient
|-
| rowspan=2 |
Measure vitamin D
| |
Good: Check whether build environment is sane
|-
| |
Bad: Blood loss?
|-
| |
Check whether build environment is sane
| |
Rinse patient with saline solution
|-
| |
Rinse patient with saline solution
| |
Is patient phone battery low?
|-
| rowspan=2 |
Is patient phone battery low?
| |
Yes: Defibrillate
|-
| |
No: Sync photos from camera
|-
| |
Defibrillate
| |
Is patient phone battery low?
|-
| |
Sync photos from camera
| |
Administer general anesthesia
|-
| |
Administer general anesthesia
| |
Discharge patient
|-
| rowspan=2 |
Blood loss?
| |
Minor: Patient address changed?
|-
| |
Substantial: Apply cream
|-
| rowspan=2 |
Patient address changed?
| |
Yes: Request organ donation
|-
| |
No: Patient is healthy
|-
| |
Request organ donation
|Remove organs
|-
| |
Remove organs
| Discharge patient
|-
| |
Discharge patient
| |
[End State: See title text]
|}

==Trivia==
*The [http://www.explainxkcd.com/wiki/images/archive/1/15/20151222113107!watson_medical_algorithm.png original comic] was updated after it was first posted.
**The decisions for number of limbs were swapped so it made sense.
**In the corrected version it was only if you had more than 100 limbs that Watson would remove the extra limbs.
**Before it removed limbs if you had less than 100 (i.e. always, and now never.)
**This actually opened up (a slim) chance to survive to the right discharge patient box. Although it would not matter according to the title text...

{{comic discussion}}

[[Category:Flowcharts]]
[[Category:Artificial Intelligence]]
[[Category:Computers]]
[[Category:Sarcasm]]

1052: Every Major's Terrible

2017-01-21T18:56:46Z

ArcadesTheOmnipotent: Added hyphen where one was missing

{{comic
| number = 1052
| date = May 7, 2012
| title = Every Major's Terrible
| before = [[#Explanation|↓ Skip to explanation ↓]]
| image = every_majors_terrible.png
| titletext = Someday I'll be the first to get a Ph. D in 'Undeclared'.
}}

==Explanation==
[[Randall]] has written a song called ''Every Major's Terrible'' and this comic illustrates the song. In this song the term {{w|Major (academic)|Major}} refers to the US version of an academic major. And the point of the song is that it makes no sense to pick any major since they are all terrible!

The header notes that the song is written to the tune of the satirical {{w|Major-General's Song}} from {{w|Gilbert and Sullivan's}} 1879 comic opera ''{{w|The Pirates of Penzance}}''. The song satirizes the idea of the "modern" educated British Army officer of the latter 19th century. {{w|Major general}} is a military rank in Britain and many other countries. (See here a YouTube video of [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zSGWoXDFM64" I Am the Very Model of A Modern Major-General"] to get the tune). The meter in the Major-General's Song is iambic octameter, which means that in each line there are eight iambs, where an iamb is two syllables in an unstressed-stressed pattern. Therefore, each line contains 16 syllables.

The panels show Randall's rewritten lyrics to the song. Below each of the three verses are described in detail (go to [[#Verse 1|Verse 1]], [[#Verse 2|Verse 2]] or [[#Verse 3|Verse 3]]). Each verse ends with "Just put me down as 'Undecided' - Every Major's Terrible", which gives the song its name — and "Major's Terrible" is similar enough to "Major General", the corresponding lyrics in the original version, to serve as a callback. The last line of the first verse in each song goes as follows:
*Original: I am the very model of a modern Major-General
*Randall's: Just put me down as undecided- every major's terrible

The lyrics are commonly rewritten, the most famous rewrite likely being {{w|The Elements (song)}} by {{w|Tom Lehrer}} which is also mentioned below the main header. This song is also [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AcS3NOQnsQM available on-line].

His last suggestion, "{{w|Supercalifragilisticexpialadocious}}", from ''{{w|Mary Poppins}}'', is another fast-paced patter-song with a somewhat similar tune, though it doesn't fit quite so well, and the match falls apart at the end of the fourth line, when the "Um-diddly"s start up — still, it's better than nothing.

There are at least two performances of this xkcd song online where the transcription is shown to make it easier to understand the text:
*A video with each major acted out by the [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=seGpYa8UO0E SFU Choir - Every Major's Terrible].
*A solo with piano: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pRexBMPeRTo Every Major's Terrible' by Ben Miller].
**See also this article [http://www.uproxx.com/gammasquad/2012/08/ben-miller-xkcd-every-majors-terrible/ Xkcd's 'Every Major's Terrible' Is Now A Real Song].

Regarding the title text: "Undeclared" is sometimes called "General Studies". Most U.S. universities will not let you get a degree in this, let alone an advanced degree such as a {{w|Ph.D.}} Also, it should probably be noted that this song refers to U.S.-like university systems, in other countries, one will study little to nothing outside your major, making it more-or-less impossible to be undecided as to major.

===Verse 1===
;Panel 1, ''Philosophy's just math sans rigor, sense, and practicality'': [[Cueball]] is posing as {{w|Rodin}}'s {{w|The Thinker}}, a common symbol for {{w|philosophy}}. The equation in the background (two plus light bulb equals sailboat) is nonsense, hence "{{w|math}} sans rigor, sense or practicality" ([http://www.thefreedictionary.com/sans sans] meaning without).

;Panel 2, ''And math's just physics unconstrained by precepts of reality.'': A cannon is firing. However, instead of going in the normal parabolic arc (a precept of reality and thus {{w|physics}}), the cannonball splits and splits again, so that it looks like a {{w|bifurcation diagram}} from {{w|chaos theory}}. The dashed line indicates the cannonball's trajectory, which bifurcates twice, although the sum of the momentums of the four resulting (1/4 sized?) cannonballs is presumably mathematically identical to the original.

;Panel 3, ''A business major's just a thing you get so you can graduate'': {{w|Business education|Business}} is the most common major, often seen as a practical choice applicable to a wide variety of careers, or, as the comic illustrates, preferred by those who just want an easy way to graduate. Cueball gets his diploma and runs away from the dean on the podium while shedding both his robe and his {{w|square academic cap}} (or Mortarboard).

;Panel 4, ''And chemistry's for stamp collectors high on methylacetate.'': Stamp collecting refers to the [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Ernest_Rutherford famous quote] by {{w|Ernest Rutherford}}, "All science is either physics or stamp collecting." {{w|Methyl acetate}} is a solvent that for instance can be used to remove stamps from their envelope (although water will do the same). The stamps in the background form the {{W|periodic table}} of the chemical elements. And since {{w|chemistry}} is not physics, according to the quote, {{w|chemists}} must be stamp collectors (as, the high on methylacetate, [[Ponytail]] wearing goggles and holding an {{w|Erlenmeyer flask}}).

;Panels 5, ''Why anyone who wants a job would study lit's a mystery''
;Panels 6, ''Unless their only other choice were something like art history.'': These lines, both sung by Cueball, refer to subjects where a majority of graduates will end up unemployed or eventually working in a field outside their majors. Topics such as {{w|Literature}} or {{w|Art History}} are often and historically said to be in this category — although from [http://www.studentsreview.com/unemployment_by_major.php3?sort=Rate actual statistics], it is clear that there are far worse majors these days.

;Panels 7, ''A BA in communications guarantees that you'll achieve''
;Panels 8, ''A little less than if you'd learned to underwater basket-weave'': Here Cueball first has a major in {{w|Communication studies|Communications}} and next he is seen underwater with a basket. {{w|Underwater basket weaving}} is a commonly used metaphor for any college major that is easy or worthless. "Communications" is a major chosen by people interested in news broadcasting or other media. For why that might be criticized see [http://badpr.co.uk/ Bad PR]. Note that, if following the original music exactly, the line "A little less than if you'd learned to underwater basket-weave." will be repeated three times by the chorus after these panels.

;Panel 9, ''I'd rather eat a Fowler's toad than major in biology,'': We see Cueball holding a frog out in front of him while taking his hand to his head (in disgust?). A {{w|Fowler's toad}} is a relatively common toad in the eastern US, and a stereotype of studying {{w|biology}} is a frog {{w|dissection}}, which is likely part of the reference, albeit oblique. Fowler's Toad emits a {{w|Bufo_fowleri#Behavior|noxious secretion}} that [http://www.nwf.org/wildlife/wildlife-library/amphibians-reptiles-and-fish/toads.aspx irritates skin] and thus probably also the mucous membranes in the mouth. It would thus be rather painful to eat, making it very bad for Cueball to major in biology since he would rather eat such a toad.

;Panel 10, ''And social psych is worse than either psych or sociology.'': {{w|Social psychology}} is compared to {{w|sociology}} (study of humans in society) and {{w|psychology}} (study of human minds). Psychology is represented by a {{w|serial killer}} with a chainsaw, and sociology is represented by a {{w|zombie}}. These are to the left of [[Megan]]. To her right is a zombie serial killer with chainsaw. She is standing between them undecided as to take one, the other or both. They are all terrible options...

;Panels 11, ''The thought of picking any one of these is too unbearable,''
;Panels 12, ''Just put me down as "Undecided"—Every major's terrible.'': End of the first verse where Cueball tells his academic advisor that he is undecided as every major's terrible. He even throws away his {{w|study guide}}. Every verse ends with some variation of this couplet, and in the original tune, each of these couplets are repeated by the chorus afterwards.
:''Unbearable'' and ''terrible'' rhyme for people who have the {{w|English-language vowel changes before historic /r/#Mary–marry–merry merger|Mary-merry merger}}.

===Verse 2===
;Panel 13, ''Now, if you can't prognosticate, that's OK in seismology,'':[https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/prognosticate Prognosticate] means "to predict". This refers to the inability of {{w|seismology}} to reliably predict catastrophic {{w|earthquake}}s, even after centuries of extensive research. The panel shows {{w|Seismic wave|seismic waves}} from a {{w|seismograph}}. The seismograph chart has four traces and about halfway across one trace begins oscillating vigorously indicating an earthquake. Five months after this comic was published several seismologists in Italy were [http://www.nature.com/news/italian-court-finds-seismologists-guilty-of-manslaughter-1.11640 convicted of crimes] that effectively stemmed from an inability to predict an earthquake. This does not go down well for the message of this panel... Their conviction was [http://www.nature.com/news/italian-seismologists-cleared-of-manslaughter-1.16313 overturned on appeal] in 2014.

;Panel 14, ''But if your hindsight's weak as well, you'd best stick to theology.'': The bearded [https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/theologist theologist] represents {{w|Theology}} by stating the formal logic proposition shown in the illustration: "X ∴ ∃X". This says "I can describe this thing called X, therefore X exists". This is basically what the popular {{w|ontological argument}} for God boils down to. Briefly, it asks you to imagine the best possible deity. A God like that which exists is better than one that doesn't. But we said we were imagining the best possible deity. Therefore, this proposition concludes that God exists. (See [[1505: Ontological Argument]].)

;Panel 15, ''CS will make each day a quest to find a missing close-paren.'': "CS" is short for "{{w|Computer Science}}." Most programming languages use parentheses as part of their syntax, and often have multiply-nested parenthetical expressions. This is especially true of {{w|Lisp (programming language)|Lisp}}. It is often difficult for a programmer to determine where the unbalanced parenthesis begins or ends when the code and parentheses are not properly formatted and indented. In the panel there is one more left "(" parenthesis (13) than right ")" or ''close-paren'' (12). The problem is now, where to put this last one...

;Panel 16, ''Virology will guarantee you'll never get a hug again.'': {{w|Virology}} is the study of {{w|infectious diseases}}. The green symbol above the central figure is the {{w|Hazard_symbol#Biohazard_sign|biohazard symbol}}, implying that people who study infectious diseases, and are therefore located near them at some points in time, will be shunned like the plague, because they're probably carrying it. Thus no hugs to Megan as three Cueball like guys and Ponytail leans back away from her.

;Panel 17, ''I.T. prepares you for a life of fighting with PCs nonstop.'': "I.T." is short for "{{w|Information Technology}}", a degree for people who maintain computer systems. If there is a need for an I.T. position (in which I.T. professionals are employed) there are computers which need fixing — hence the I.T. Professional is always fixing (or fighting) computers, which may or may not have been [http://ars.userfriendly.org/cartoons/?id=19980506 "broken" by users]. In the panel Megan, wielding an axe, is in a real fight with a PC.

;Panel 18, ''As Pratchett said, "Geography's just physics slowed with trees on top."'': This is a slightly amended quote from {{w|Discworld}} author {{w|Terry Pratchett}}, from his book "{{w|The Last Continent}}". The actual quote is "{{w|Geography}} is just physics slowed down, with a couple of trees stuck in it." But the meaning is the same, that physics also describes geography - a similar quote to the one about physics vs. stamp collections mentioned under panel 4.

;Panel 19, ''Though physics seems to promise you a Richard Feynman-like career,'': {{w|Richard Feynman}} was a 20th-century {{w|Nobel Prize|Nobel}}-laureate {{w|physicist}} known for his great sense of humor, including being photographed for one of his books while holding a {{w|bongo drum}}. Here he is depicted with the drum and with both a blond woman and Megan looking admiringly upon him. Feynman made physicist seem cool, and many a young fan of him, might choose the subject in the hope of obtaining a Feynman-like career. This is, however, very unlikely for most people as is also shown in the next panel.

;Panel 20, ''The wiki page for "Physics major" redirects to "Engineer."'': A redirect on Wikipedia is a page which immediately sends the visitor to a different page. This implies that the title of the first is either a synonym or a sub-topic of the second. {{w|Physics major}} usually learn to code, and the standard joke is that they invariably get hired as {{w|computer programmers}} after graduation, but here in this comic they get hired as {{w|engineers}}. This relates back to the previous panel, as it is here shown that most of those that major in physics end up as engineers and not like Feynman. The Wikipedia page physics major didn't actually exist when this comic was published. It was created the same day, but as a [https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Physics_major&redirect=no redirect] to {{w|physics education}}. It is such a redirect page that is shown in the panel. In the subsequent days, there were dozens of instances of people changing it to redirect to engineer, usually reverted within minutes. The redirect page is now ''fully protected'' and locked for editing. As with the underwater basket-weaving line in the first verse, after the soloist sings this, the line would be repeated three times by the chorus.

;Panels 21, ''They say to study history or find yourself repeating it,''
;Panels 22, ''But all that it prepares you for is forty years of teaching it.'': This uses a version of a quote by {{w|George Santayana}} (although often attributed to others as well), ''Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it'' as a reason to study {{w|history}} — only to be followed by an indication that by studying history as a major, you will only be prepared to become a history teacher, and you will then spend the rest of your life teaching history. The first panel shows a flow chart that will lead you to repeat your sad past if you cannot remember it, and only move on to happier times if you can. In the next panel we see a [[Hairbun]] as a history teacher, with glasses and her gray hair tied up in a bun, standing in front of a green {{w|blackboard}} with three important years for her current history class. (If anyone spots a connection between 1935, 1969 and 1991 please state it here).

;Panels 23, ''I recognize my four-year plan's at this point not repairable,''
;Panels 24, ''But put me down as "Undecided"—Every major's terrible.'': End of the second verse where Cueball again talks to his academic advisor saying that he is undecided. In the last of the two panel he says almost the same as at the end of the first verse. In the first, however, he mentioned his "four-year plan" which is the list of all the courses a student plans to include in his/her degree program. If you change majors every semester, or do not decide on one until too late, this list gets really difficult to turn into any one degree. Again these lines would be repeated by the chorus afterwards.

===Verse 3===
;Panel 25, ''Astronomers all cringe when they hear "supermoon" or "zodiac".'': {{w|Supermoon}} is a term invented by {{w|astrologers}} in the 1970s, with no significance in {{w|astronomy}} other than being the co-occurrence of orbital {{w|perigee}} and full-moon. But it comes up often in the press, linked to supernatural behavior. That also Randall dislikes seems realistic and he also "mocked" the term soon after in [[1080: Visual Field]] and then finally confirmed what he thought about the term directly when he published [[1394: Superm*n]]. The {{w|zodiac}} is the circular band in the sky containing the apparent path of the sun, moon and planets. Most often when people talk about it, they're referring to {{w|astrology}} and {{w|horoscopes}} and other pseudo-scientific notions which often lead to conversations which are frustrating to astronomers, like the bearded one from the panel.

;Panel 26, ''Agronomy's a no-go; I'm a huge agorophobiac.'': {{w|Agronomy}} is the science of farming, while {{w|agoraphobia}} is the fear of wide open spaces. Fields, where most farming happens, are wide open spaces. In the panel an anxious Cueball is standing near a fence on an open field with a tractor. Presumable he may be OK inside the tractor, but once he gets outside he becomes anxious.

;Panel 27, ''I'm too ophiophobic to consider herpetology,'': {{w|Herpetology}} is the study of {{w|reptiles}} and {{w|amphibians}}, while {{w|ophiophobia}} is the fear of {{w|snakes}} (a reptile). The panel shows sweating Cueball holding his hands to his mouth while looking at a green snake asking for his love? It is possible that Cueball is afraid of the snake, who is harmless and just wants to be friends.

;Panel 28, ''And I can't stomach any part of gastroenterology.'': As the pun suggests, {{w|gastroenterology}} is the study of the human digestive system and the image shows the human {{w|stomach}}. To [http://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/cannot+stomach not be able to stomach something] means you can't stand or tolerate this thing.

;Panel 29, ''While pre-med gives you twitchy-eyed obsession with your GPA,'': {{w|Pre-med}} (pre-medical) is a major chosen by students hoping to go on to {{w|medical school}} to study {{w|medicine}} and eventually become {{w|Doctor of Medicine|doctors}}. Medical school is extremely competitive and usually requires a very high undergraduate {{w|GPA}} for prospective students. Hence we see a pre-med student holding on to all his GPA results.

;Panel 30, <tt>a poetry degree bespeaks bewildering naïveté.</tt>: The text is in all lower-case, a different font and strangely laid out compared to the text in all the other panels. All-lower-case and "free" layout are both associated with 20th century "{{w|Modernist}}" {{w|poetry}}, especially the works of {{w|E. E. Cummings}}. Ponytail is actually reciting this line of the song.

;Panels 31, ''TV's behind the rush into forensic criminology''
;Panels 32, ''(Or so claims meta-academic epidemiology).'': This refers to how {{w|forensic}}-{{w|criminology}} shows, specifically {{w|CSI: Miami}} (Crime Scene Investigation: Miami) as shown on the TV screen in both panels, that often dramatize, exaggerate or otherwise confuse the science behind forensics, give people unrealistically glamorous views of the career, thus encouraging them to join it. {{w|Epidemiology}} is the study of causes and effects of events and trends. We see a pipe smoking epidemiologist standing with Ponytail and watching CSI - presumably making wild claims on cause and effect based only on what they see on TV... This is, again, the point where the chorus joins in three times, as in the previous two verses.

;Panels 33, ''By dubbing econ "dismal science" adherents exaggerate;''
;Panels 34, ''The "dismal"'s fine - it's "science" where they patently prevaricate.'': "Econ" is short for "{{w|economics}}". {{w|Thomas Carlyle}} declared economics "{{w|the dismal science}}" in the {{w|Victorian era}} as a derogatory alternative name. {{w|Economists}} often claim that economics is a {{w|science}} like any other; however, as the predictive power of all economic theories are exceedingly weak compared to those of any science, this is disputed by those outside the field at times. It is of course also disputed by this song, in which Cueball "clearly" (see below) states that economics should not call it self a science - that is the ''dismal science'' is not derogatory enough for him.
*The sentences uttered by Cueball in these two panels are extremely difficult English for non-native English speakers.
*Here is some help in understanding the sentences:
**[https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/dub Dubbing] something means ''giving it a nickname''.
**[https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/dismal Dismal] science means ''disappointingly inadequate science''.
**[https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/adherent Adherents] means ''supporters''.
**[https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/patently Patently] means ''in a clear and unambiguous manner''
**[https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/prevaricate Prevaricate] means to ''evade the truth''.
*Using these meanings of the words the two sentences can be re-written as:
**By giving economics the nickname "disappointingly inadequate science" the supporters [of economics] exaggerate;
**The "disappointingly inadequate" is fine - it's "science" where they evade the truth in a clear and unambiguous manner.

;Panels 35, ''In terms of choices, I'd say only Sophie's was comparable.''
;Panels 36, ''Just put me down as "Undecided"—Every major's terrible!'': End of the third verse, with yet another variant on the closing couplet. Choosing a major is compared to {{w|Sophie's Choice}}, which is any {{w|dilemma}} where choosing one cherished person or thing over the other will result in the death or destruction of the other, derived from the theme of the {{w|Sophie's Choice (novel)|novel}} of the same name, which has also been turned into a {{w|Sophie's Choice (film)|romantic drama film}}. So Cueball tells the academic advisor that choosing any of the majors over any other is as horrible as to have to choose which cherished person should die to save the other. Although in his case, it is the other way around, since he thinks all choices sucks. Again these lines would be repeated by the chorus.

==Transcript==
:[Headings to the left and above the 36 panels:]
:'''Every Major's Terrible'''
:to the tune of Gilbert & Sullivan's
:'''Modern Major-General Song'''
:(Which you may know from Tom Lehrer's ''Elements''.
:If not, just hum ''Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious''.)

:[To make it easier to read the lyrics, the lyrics text is double indented. If someone says the line, their name stands above the line they say. If no one says the line it is just written after the description. Unless otherwise stated, the text is inside the frame of the panel above the drawing. If any other text is present it will be written after the lyrics.]

:[Panel 1: Cueball sitting with his chin on fist on a gray rock. Next to him is a mathematical expression "2 + a picture of yellow glowing light bulb = picture of Cueball in sailboat on a blue sea".]
::Philosophy's just math sans rigor, sense, and practicality
:Expression: 2+ =
:[Panel 2: A black and brown cannon standing on a green hill fires and a dashed line indicates the cannonball's trajectory. The line splits in two twice ending up at 4 cannonballs.]
::And math's just physics unconstrained by precepts of reality.
:[Panel 3: A student in robes and square academic cap receives a diploma from a dean on a brown podium, while Cueball, diploma in hand, runs away on the green lawn, arms in the air, shedding both robe and cap.]
::A business major's just a thing you get so you can graduate
:[Panel 4: Ponytail wearing goggles and holding a flask with the periodic table in the background. Three stars and circle lines around her head indicates that she is dizzy.]
::And chemistry's for stamp collectors high on methylacetate.
:[Panel 5: Cueball holds up hands questioningly.]
:Cueball:
::Why anyone who wants a job would study lit's a mystery
:[Panel 6: Cueball holding his chin.]
:Cueball:
::Unless their only other choice were something like art history.
:[Panel 7: The text is above this panels frame, which is only about two third of the other frames. In the frame is a close-up of Cueball as a graduate wearing yellow embroidered robe and yellow tasseled mortarboard.]
::A BA in communications guarantees that you'll achieve
:[Panel 8: The text is above this panels frame, which is only about two third of the other frames. In the frame is again the same Cueball graduate. Only now he is emerged in blue water. A wicker basket flows to the left, where air bubbles escape from Cueball. To the right are two fish.]
::A little less than if you'd learned to underwater basket-weave
:[Panel 9: Cueball holding a gray frog at arm's length.]
:Cueball:
::I'd rather eat a Fowler's toad than major in biology,
:Frog: Ribbit
:[Panel 10: Megan indicating to the left a scruffy individual and an individual holding a chainsaw, and to the right another scruffy individual holding a chainsaw.]
::And social psych is worse than either psych or sociology.
:[Panel 11: Cueball stands in front of a brown desk holding a gray course catalog. Behind the desk sits a man with glasses and hair at the back of his head. He sits on his gray office chair. There is a stack of papers on the desk.]
:Cueball:
::The thought of picking any one of these is too unbearable.
:[Panel 12: Same picture as panel 11, only now Cueball tosses the course catalog over his shoulder.]
:Cueball:
::Just put me down as "Undecided"—Every major's terrible.
:[Panel 13: The text is above this panels frame, which is only about two third of the other frames. In the frame is a seismograph chart with four traces; about halfway across one trace begins oscillating vigorously.]
::Now, if you can't prognosticate, that's OK in seismology,
:[Panel 14: A bearded man with white hair states a formula with his left arm lifted.]
::But if your hindsight's weak as well, you'd best stick to theology.
:Bearded man: X ∴ ∃X
:[Panel 15: Two lines with gray parenthesis.]
::CS will make each day a quest to find a missing close-paren.
:Code: <code>(((()((((()(</code>
:Code: <code>))))())())())</code>
:[Panel 16: Megan with a green biohazard symbol floating above her head stands alone; to the left and right three Cueball-like guys and Ponytail shun her.]
::Virology will guarantee you'll never get a hug again.
:[Panel 17: Megan running at a PC on a brown table with a brown and black axe raised over her head.]
::I.T. prepares you for a life of fighting with PCs nonstop.
:[Panel 18: The frame is a little smaller than the other frames. Above the frame is the first part of the text. In the frame is an image of a bearded man with glasses who says the rest of the text. ]
::As Pratchett said,
:Pratchett:
::"Geography's just physics slowed with trees on top."
:[Panel 19: A man with black hair plays on brown bongo drums while a blond woman and Megan look in at him from left and right.]
::Though physics seems to promise you a Richard Feynman-like career,
:[Panel 20: The text is above this panels frame, which is only about two third of the other frames. In the frame is screenshot of a wiki redirect page. Below the title is the normal text for such a page. This is unreadable though, although it is possible to imagine it is possible to read the first line which would say: ''From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia''. But not the other line which would be ''Redirect page''. Below this line is an arrow down to the page the redirect points to. This is written in blue letters.]
::The wiki page for "Physics major" redirects to "Engineer."
:Wiki page:
::Physics major
:: Engineer
:[Panel 21: Flowchart: a gray box with a sad face chains to a decision diamond reading simply "?"; the "yes" branch leads to a yellow happy-face box while the "no" branch loops back to the initial sad face.]
::They say to study history or find yourself repeating it,
:Flow chart:
::?
::No
::Yes
:[Panel 22: The text is above this panels frame, which is only about two third of the other frames. In the frame is Hairbun as a teacher with boxy spectacles and a bun in front of a green chalkboard with three years in white.]
::But all that it prepares you for is forty years of teaching it.
:Chalkboard:
::1935
::1969
::1991
:[Panel 23: Cueball at his adviser's desk again as in panel 12, but now without any catalog and holding his arms down.]
:Cueball:
::I recognize my four-year plan's at this point not repairable,
:[Panel 24: Same as panel 23 except Cueball has raised a first and the adviser has his hand to his mouth.]
:Cueball:
::But put me down as "Undecided"—Every major's terrible.
:[Panel 25: Image of a bald man with beard and glasses. He raised both hands one as a fist the other pointing up. There are lines out from his head to the left and lightning lines out from his head to the right.]
::Astronomers all cringe when they hear "supermoon" or "zodiac".
:[Panel 26: Silhouette of Cueball, agitated, in an open field near a fence and a tractor.]
::Agronomy's a no-go; I'm a huge agorophobiac.
:[Panel 27: Cueball looking aghast at a green snake on the ground, both hands at his mouth and sweat jumping from his head. The snake also thinks about Cueball but in red and black.]
::I'm too ophiophobic to consider herpetology,
:Snake: ♥?
:[Panel 28: Anatomical image of a stomach in pink and red.]
::And I can't stomach any part of gastroenterology.
:[Panel 29: A man with wild hair, glasses askew, clutching folders and papers (green, blue and white), and dropping several.]
:Man:
::While pre-med gives you twitchy-eyed obsession with your GPA,
:[Panel 30: Ponytail reciting poetry; her poem is this panel's line, in a lighter, lower-case font.]
:Ponytail:
::<tt>a poetry degree bespeaks bewildering naïveté.</tt>
:[Panel 31: The text is above this panels frame, which is only about two third of the other frames. The frame is a TV screen with the ''CSI: Miami'' logo, CSI in yellow.]
::TV's behind the rush into forensic criminology
:TV screen:
::''' CSI: '''
::'''Miami'''
:[Panel 32: A balding man wearing glasses and holding a smoking pipe together with Ponytail holding a notebook watch a wall-mounted flat-screen TV on which the ''CSI: Miami'' logo from the previous panel is showing.]
::(Or so claims meta-academic epidemiology).
:TV screen:
:: CSI:
::Miami
:[Panel 33: Cueball is talking with his left arm raised, palm up.]
:Cueball:
::By dubbing econ "dismal science" adherents exaggerate;
:[Panel 34: Close-up on Cueball with left arm up.]
:Cueball:
::The "dismal"'s fine—it's "science" where they patently prevaricate.
:[Panel 35: As panel 23 with Cueball at his adviser's desk once more though with both hands held out in front of him.]
:Cueball:
::In terms of choices, I'd say only Sophie's was comparable.
:[Panel 36: Same as panel 35 except that Cueball makes a final dramatic flair spreading both arms out.]
:Cueball:
::Just put me down as "Undecided"—Every major's terrible!

{{comic discussion}}
[[Category:Comics with color]]
[[Category:Songs]]
[[Category:Comics featuring Cueball‏‎]]
[[Category:Comics featuring Megan‏‎]]
[[Category:Comics featuring Ponytail‏‎]]
[[Category:Comics featuring Hairbun]]
[[Category:Multiple Cueballs]]
[[Category:Comics featuring real people‏‎]]
[[Category:Astronomy‏‎]]
[[Category:Biology‏‎]]
[[Category:Chemistry‏‎]]
[[Category:Computers‏‎]]
[[Category:Geography]]
[[Category:Math‏‎]]
[[Category:Philosophy‏‎]]
[[Category:Physics‏‎]]
[[Category:Psychology‏‎]]
[[Category:Science‏‎ ]]
[[Category:Flowcharts]]
[[Category:Puns]]
[[Category:Animals]]

1052: Every Major's Terrible

2017-01-21T02:31:10Z

ArcadesTheOmnipotent: Fixed grammar

{{comic
| number = 1052
| date = May 7, 2012
| title = Every Major's Terrible
| before = [[#Explanation|↓ Skip to explanation ↓]]
| image = every_majors_terrible.png
| titletext = Someday I'll be the first to get a Ph. D in 'Undeclared'.
}}

==Explanation==
[[Randall]] has written a song called ''Every Major's Terrible'' and this comic illustrates the song. In this song the term {{w|Major (academic)|Major}} refers to the US version of an academic major. And the point of the song is that it makes no sense to pick any major since they are all terrible!

The header notes that the song is written to the tune of the satirical {{w|Major-General's Song}} from {{w|Gilbert and Sullivan's}} 1879 comic opera ''{{w|The Pirates of Penzance}}''. The song satirizes the idea of the "modern" educated British Army officer of the latter 19th century. {{w|Major general}} is a military rank in Britain and many other countries. (See here a YouTube video of [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zSGWoXDFM64" I Am the Very Model of A Modern Major-General"] to get the tune). The meter in the Major-General's Song is iambic octameter, which means that in each line there are eight iambs, where an iamb is two syllables in an unstressed-stressed pattern. Therefore, each line contains 16 syllables.

The panels show Randall's rewritten lyrics to the song. Below each of the three verses are described in detail (go to [[#Verse 1|Verse 1]], [[#Verse 2|Verse 2]] or [[#Verse 3|Verse 3]]). Each verse ends with "Just put me down as 'Undecided' - Every Major's Terrible", which gives the song its name — and "Major's Terrible" is similar enough to "Major General", the corresponding lyrics in the original version, to serve as a callback. The last line of the first verse in each song goes as follows:
*Original: I am the very model of a modern Major-General
*Randall's: Just put me down as undecided every major's terrible

The lyrics are commonly rewritten, the most famous rewrite likely being {{w|The Elements (song)}} by {{w|Tom Lehrer}} which is also mentioned below the main header. This song is also [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AcS3NOQnsQM available on-line].

His last suggestion, "{{w|Supercalifragilisticexpialadocious}}", from ''{{w|Mary Poppins}}'', is another fast-paced patter-song with a somewhat similar tune, though it doesn't fit quite so well, and the match falls apart at the end of the fourth line, when the "Um-diddly"s start up — still, it's better than nothing.

There are at least two performances of this xkcd song online where the transcription is shown to make it easier to understand the text:
*A video with each major acted out by the [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=seGpYa8UO0E SFU Choir - Every Major's Terrible].
*A solo with piano: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pRexBMPeRTo Every Major's Terrible' by Ben Miller].
**See also this article [http://www.uproxx.com/gammasquad/2012/08/ben-miller-xkcd-every-majors-terrible/ Xkcd's 'Every Major's Terrible' Is Now A Real Song].

Regarding the title text: "Undeclared" is sometimes called "General Studies". Most U.S. universities will not let you get a degree in this, let alone an advanced degree such as a {{w|Ph.D.}} Also, it should probably be noted that this song refers to U.S.-like university systems, in other countries, one will study little to nothing outside your major, making it more-or-less impossible to be undecided as to major.

===Verse 1===
;Panel 1, ''Philosophy's just math sans rigor, sense, and practicality'': [[Cueball]] is posing as {{w|Rodin}}'s {{w|The Thinker}}, a common symbol for {{w|philosophy}}. The equation in the background (two plus light bulb equals sailboat) is nonsense, hence "{{w|math}} sans rigor, sense or practicality" ([http://www.thefreedictionary.com/sans sans] meaning without).

;Panel 2, ''And math's just physics unconstrained by precepts of reality.'': A cannon is firing. However, instead of going in the normal parabolic arc (a precept of reality and thus {{w|physics}}), the cannonball splits and splits again, so that it looks like a {{w|bifurcation diagram}} from {{w|chaos theory}}. The dashed line indicates the cannonball's trajectory, which bifurcates twice, although the sum of the momentums of the four resulting (1/4 sized?) cannonballs is presumably mathematically identical to the original.

;Panel 3, ''A business major's just a thing you get so you can graduate'': {{w|Business education|Business}} is the most common major, often seen as a practical choice applicable to a wide variety of careers, or, as the comic illustrates, preferred by those who just want an easy way to graduate. Cueball gets his diploma and runs away from the dean on the podium while shedding both his robe and his {{w|square academic cap}} (or Mortarboard).

;Panel 4, ''And chemistry's for stamp collectors high on methylacetate.'': Stamp collecting refers to the [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Ernest_Rutherford famous quote] by {{w|Ernest Rutherford}}, "All science is either physics or stamp collecting." {{w|Methyl acetate}} is a solvent that for instance can be used to remove stamps from their envelope (although water will do the same). The stamps in the background form the {{W|periodic table}} of the chemical elements. And since {{w|chemistry}} is not physics, according to the quote, {{w|chemists}} must be stamp collectors (as, the high on methylacetate, [[Ponytail]] wearing goggles and holding an {{w|Erlenmeyer flask}}).

;Panels 5, ''Why anyone who wants a job would study lit's a mystery''
;Panels 6, ''Unless their only other choice were something like art history.'': These lines, both sung by Cueball, refer to subjects where a majority of graduates will end up unemployed or eventually working in a field outside their majors. Topics such as {{w|Literature}} or {{w|Art History}} are often and historically said to be in this category — although from [http://www.studentsreview.com/unemployment_by_major.php3?sort=Rate actual statistics], it is clear that there are far worse majors these days.

;Panels 7, ''A BA in communications guarantees that you'll achieve''
;Panels 8, ''A little less than if you'd learned to underwater basket-weave'': Here Cueball first has a major in {{w|Communication studies|Communications}} and next he is seen underwater with a basket. {{w|Underwater basket weaving}} is a commonly used metaphor for any college major that is easy or worthless. "Communications" is a major chosen by people interested in news broadcasting or other media. For why that might be criticized see [http://badpr.co.uk/ Bad PR]. Note that, if following the original music exactly, the line "A little less than if you'd learned to underwater basket-weave." will be repeated three times by the chorus after these panels.

;Panel 9, ''I'd rather eat a Fowler's toad than major in biology,'': We see Cueball holding a frog out in front of him while taking his hand to his head (in disgust?). A {{w|Fowler's toad}} is a relatively common toad in the eastern US, and a stereotype of studying {{w|biology}} is a frog {{w|dissection}}, which is likely part of the reference, albeit oblique. Fowler's Toad emits a {{w|Bufo_fowleri#Behavior|noxious secretion}} that [http://www.nwf.org/wildlife/wildlife-library/amphibians-reptiles-and-fish/toads.aspx irritates skin] and thus probably also the mucous membranes in the mouth. It would thus be rather painful to eat, making it very bad for Cueball to major in biology since he would rather eat such a toad.

;Panel 10, ''And social psych is worse than either psych or sociology.'': {{w|Social psychology}} is compared to {{w|sociology}} (study of humans in society) and {{w|psychology}} (study of human minds). Psychology is represented by a {{w|serial killer}} with a chainsaw, and sociology is represented by a {{w|zombie}}. These are to the left of [[Megan]]. To her right is a zombie serial killer with chainsaw. She is standing between them undecided as to take one, the other or both. They are all terrible options...

;Panels 11, ''The thought of picking any one of these is too unbearable,''
;Panels 12, ''Just put me down as "Undecided"—Every major's terrible.'': End of the first verse where Cueball tells his academic advisor that he is undecided as every major's terrible. He even throws away his {{w|study guide}}. Every verse ends with some variation of this couplet, and in the original tune, each of these couplets are repeated by the chorus afterwards.
:''Unbearable'' and ''terrible'' rhyme for people who have the {{w|English-language vowel changes before historic /r/#Mary–marry–merry merger|Mary-merry merger}}.

===Verse 2===
;Panel 13, ''Now, if you can't prognosticate, that's OK in seismology,'':[https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/prognosticate Prognosticate] means "to predict". This refers to the inability of {{w|seismology}} to reliably predict catastrophic {{w|earthquake}}s, even after centuries of extensive research. The panel shows {{w|Seismic wave|seismic waves}} from a {{w|seismograph}}. The seismograph chart has four traces and about halfway across one trace begins oscillating vigorously indicating an earthquake. Five months after this comic was published several seismologists in Italy were [http://www.nature.com/news/italian-court-finds-seismologists-guilty-of-manslaughter-1.11640 convicted of crimes] that effectively stemmed from an inability to predict an earthquake. This does not go down well for the message of this panel... Their conviction was [http://www.nature.com/news/italian-seismologists-cleared-of-manslaughter-1.16313 overturned on appeal] in 2014.

;Panel 14, ''But if your hindsight's weak as well, you'd best stick to theology.'': The bearded [https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/theologist theologist] represents {{w|Theology}} by stating the formal logic proposition shown in the illustration: "X ∴ ∃X". This says "I can describe this thing called X, therefore X exists". This is basically what the popular {{w|ontological argument}} for God boils down to. Briefly, it asks you to imagine the best possible deity. A God like that which exists is better than one that doesn't. But we said we were imagining the best possible deity. Therefore, this proposition concludes that God exists. (See [[1505: Ontological Argument]].)

;Panel 15, ''CS will make each day a quest to find a missing close-paren.'': "CS" is short for "{{w|Computer Science}}." Most programming languages use parentheses as part of their syntax, and often have multiply-nested parenthetical expressions. This is especially true of {{w|Lisp (programming language)|Lisp}}. It is often difficult for a programmer to determine where the unbalanced parenthesis begins or ends when the code and parentheses are not properly formatted and indented. In the panel there is one more left "(" parenthesis (13) than right ")" or ''close-paren'' (12). The problem is now, where to put this last one...

;Panel 16, ''Virology will guarantee you'll never get a hug again.'': {{w|Virology}} is the study of {{w|infectious diseases}}. The green symbol above the central figure is the {{w|Hazard_symbol#Biohazard_sign|biohazard symbol}}, implying that people who study infectious diseases, and are therefore located near them at some points in time, will be shunned like the plague, because they're probably carrying it. Thus no hugs to Megan as three Cueball like guys and Ponytail leans back away from her.

;Panel 17, ''I.T. prepares you for a life of fighting with PCs nonstop.'': "I.T." is short for "{{w|Information Technology}}", a degree for people who maintain computer systems. If there is a need for an I.T. position (in which I.T. professionals are employed) there are computers which need fixing — hence the I.T. Professional is always fixing (or fighting) computers, which may or may not have been [http://ars.userfriendly.org/cartoons/?id=19980506 "broken" by users]. In the panel Megan, wielding an axe, is in a real fight with a PC.

;Panel 18, ''As Pratchett said, "Geography's just physics slowed with trees on top."'': This is a slightly amended quote from {{w|Discworld}} author {{w|Terry Pratchett}}, from his book "{{w|The Last Continent}}". The actual quote is "{{w|Geography}} is just physics slowed down, with a couple of trees stuck in it." But the meaning is the same, that physics also describes geography - a similar quote to the one about physics vs. stamp collections mentioned under panel 4.

;Panel 19, ''Though physics seems to promise you a Richard Feynman-like career,'': {{w|Richard Feynman}} was a 20th-century {{w|Nobel Prize|Nobel}}-laureate {{w|physicist}} known for his great sense of humor, including being photographed for one of his books while holding a {{w|bongo drum}}. Here he is depicted with the drum and with both a blond woman and Megan looking admiringly upon him. Feynman made physicist seem cool, and many a young fan of him, might choose the subject in the hope of obtaining a Feynman-like career. This is, however, very unlikely for most people as is also shown in the next panel.

;Panel 20, ''The wiki page for "Physics major" redirects to "Engineer."'': A redirect on Wikipedia is a page which immediately sends the visitor to a different page. This implies that the title of the first is either a synonym or a sub-topic of the second. {{w|Physics major}} usually learn to code, and the standard joke is that they invariably get hired as {{w|computer programmers}} after graduation, but here in this comic they get hired as {{w|engineers}}. This relates back to the previous panel, as it is here shown that most of those that major in physics end up as engineers and not like Feynman. The Wikipedia page physics major didn't actually exist when this comic was published. It was created the same day, but as a [https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Physics_major&redirect=no redirect] to {{w|physics education}}. It is such a redirect page that is shown in the panel. In the subsequent days, there were dozens of instances of people changing it to redirect to engineer, usually reverted within minutes. The redirect page is now ''fully protected'' and locked for editing. As with the underwater basket-weaving line in the first verse, after the soloist sings this, the line would be repeated three times by the chorus.

;Panels 21, ''They say to study history or find yourself repeating it,''
;Panels 22, ''But all that it prepares you for is forty years of teaching it.'': This uses a version of a quote by {{w|George Santayana}} (although often attributed to others as well), ''Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it'' as a reason to study {{w|history}} — only to be followed by an indication that by studying history as a major, you will only be prepared to become a history teacher, and you will then spend the rest of your life teaching history. The first panel shows a flow chart that will lead you to repeat your sad past if you cannot remember it, and only move on to happier times if you can. In the next panel we see a [[Hairbun]] as a history teacher, with glasses and her gray hair tied up in a bun, standing in front of a green {{w|blackboard}} with three important years for her current history class. (If anyone spots a connection between 1935, 1969 and 1991 please state it here).

;Panels 23, ''I recognize my four-year plan's at this point not repairable,''
;Panels 24, ''But put me down as "Undecided"—Every major's terrible.'': End of the second verse where Cueball again talks to his academic advisor saying that he is undecided. In the last of the two panel he says almost the same as at the end of the first verse. In the first, however, he mentioned his "four-year plan" which is the list of all the courses a student plans to include in his/her degree program. If you change majors every semester, or do not decide on one until too late, this list gets really difficult to turn into any one degree. Again these lines would be repeated by the chorus afterwards.

===Verse 3===
;Panel 25, ''Astronomers all cringe when they hear "supermoon" or "zodiac".'': {{w|Supermoon}} is a term invented by {{w|astrologers}} in the 1970s, with no significance in {{w|astronomy}} other than being the co-occurrence of orbital {{w|perigee}} and full-moon. But it comes up often in the press, linked to supernatural behavior. That also Randall dislikes seems realistic and he also "mocked" the term soon after in [[1080: Visual Field]] and then finally confirmed what he thought about the term directly when he published [[1394: Superm*n]]. The {{w|zodiac}} is the circular band in the sky containing the apparent path of the sun, moon and planets. Most often when people talk about it, they're referring to {{w|astrology}} and {{w|horoscopes}} and other pseudo-scientific notions which often lead to conversations which are frustrating to astronomers, like the bearded one from the panel.

;Panel 26, ''Agronomy's a no-go; I'm a huge agorophobiac.'': {{w|Agronomy}} is the science of farming, while {{w|agoraphobia}} is the fear of wide open spaces. Fields, where most farming happens, are wide open spaces. In the panel an anxious Cueball is standing near a fence on an open field with a tractor. Presumable he may be OK inside the tractor, but once he gets outside he becomes anxious.

;Panel 27, ''I'm too ophiophobic to consider herpetology,'': {{w|Herpetology}} is the study of {{w|reptiles}} and {{w|amphibians}}, while {{w|ophiophobia}} is the fear of {{w|snakes}} (a reptile). The panel shows sweating Cueball holding his hands to his mouth while looking at a green snake asking for his love? It is possible that Cueball is afraid of the snake, who is harmless and just wants to be friends.

;Panel 28, ''And I can't stomach any part of gastroenterology.'': As the pun suggests, {{w|gastroenterology}} is the study of the human digestive system and the image shows the human {{w|stomach}}. To [http://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/cannot+stomach not be able to stomach something] means you can't stand or tolerate this thing.

;Panel 29, ''While pre-med gives you twitchy-eyed obsession with your GPA,'': {{w|Pre-med}} (pre-medical) is a major chosen by students hoping to go on to {{w|medical school}} to study {{w|medicine}} and eventually become {{w|Doctor of Medicine|doctors}}. Medical school is extremely competitive and usually requires a very high undergraduate {{w|GPA}} for prospective students. Hence we see a pre-med student holding on to all his GPA results.

;Panel 30, <tt>a poetry degree bespeaks bewildering naïveté.</tt>: The text is in all lower-case, a different font and strangely laid out compared to the text in all the other panels. All-lower-case and "free" layout are both associated with 20th century "{{w|Modernist}}" {{w|poetry}}, especially the works of {{w|E. E. Cummings}}. Ponytail is actually reciting this line of the song.

;Panels 31, ''TV's behind the rush into forensic criminology''
;Panels 32, ''(Or so claims meta-academic epidemiology).'': This refers to how {{w|forensic}}-{{w|criminology}} shows, specifically {{w|CSI: Miami}} (Crime Scene Investigation: Miami) as shown on the TV screen in both panels, that often dramatize, exaggerate or otherwise confuse the science behind forensics, give people unrealistically glamorous views of the career, thus encouraging them to join it. {{w|Epidemiology}} is the study of causes and effects of events and trends. We see a pipe smoking epidemiologist standing with Ponytail and watching CSI - presumably making wild claims on cause and effect based only on what they see on TV... This is, again, the point where the chorus joins in three times, as in the previous two verses.

;Panels 33, ''By dubbing econ "dismal science" adherents exaggerate;''
;Panels 34, ''The "dismal"'s fine - it's "science" where they patently prevaricate.'': "Econ" is short for "{{w|economics}}". {{w|Thomas Carlyle}} declared economics "{{w|the dismal science}}" in the {{w|Victorian era}} as a derogatory alternative name. {{w|Economists}} often claim that economics is a {{w|science}} like any other; however, as the predictive power of all economic theories are exceedingly weak compared to those of any science, this is disputed by those outside the field at times. It is of course also disputed by this song, in which Cueball "clearly" (see below) states that economics should not call it self a science - that is the ''dismal science'' is not derogatory enough for him.
*The sentences uttered by Cueball in these two panels are extremely difficult English for non-native English speakers.
*Here is some help in understanding the sentences:
**[https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/dub Dubbing] something means ''giving it a nickname''.
**[https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/dismal Dismal] science means ''disappointingly inadequate science''.
**[https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/adherent Adherents] means ''supporters''.
**[https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/patently Patently] means ''in a clear and unambiguous manner''
**[https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/prevaricate Prevaricate] means to ''evade the truth''.
*Using these meanings of the words the two sentences can be re-written as:
**By giving economics the nickname "disappointingly inadequate science" the supporters [of economics] exaggerate;
**The "disappointingly inadequate" is fine - it's "science" where they evade the truth in a clear and unambiguous manner.

;Panels 35, ''In terms of choices, I'd say only Sophie's was comparable.''
;Panels 36, ''Just put me down as "Undecided"—Every major's terrible!'': End of the third verse, with yet another variant on the closing couplet. Choosing a major is compared to {{w|Sophie's Choice}}, which is any {{w|dilemma}} where choosing one cherished person or thing over the other will result in the death or destruction of the other, derived from the theme of the {{w|Sophie's Choice (novel)|novel}} of the same name, which has also been turned into a {{w|Sophie's Choice (film)|romantic drama film}}. So Cueball tells the academic advisor that choosing any of the majors over any other is as horrible as to have to choose which cherished person should die to save the other. Although in his case, it is the other way around, since he thinks all choices sucks. Again these lines would be repeated by the chorus.

==Transcript==
:[Headings to the left and above the 36 panels:]
:'''Every Major's Terrible'''
:to the tune of Gilbert & Sullivan's
:'''Modern Major-General Song'''
:(Which you may know from Tom Lehrer's ''Elements''.
:If not, just hum ''Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious''.)

:[To make it easier to read the lyrics, the lyrics text is double indented. If someone says the line, their name stands above the line they say. If no one says the line it is just written after the description. Unless otherwise stated, the text is inside the frame of the panel above the drawing. If any other text is present it will be written after the lyrics.]

:[Panel 1: Cueball sitting with his chin on fist on a gray rock. Next to him is a mathematical expression "2 + a picture of yellow glowing light bulb = picture of Cueball in sailboat on a blue sea".]
::Philosophy's just math sans rigor, sense, and practicality
:Expression: 2+ =
:[Panel 2: A black and brown cannon standing on a green hill fires and a dashed line indicates the cannonball's trajectory. The line splits in two twice ending up at 4 cannonballs.]
::And math's just physics unconstrained by precepts of reality.
:[Panel 3: A student in robes and square academic cap receives a diploma from a dean on a brown podium, while Cueball, diploma in hand, runs away on the green lawn, arms in the air, shedding both robe and cap.]
::A business major's just a thing you get so you can graduate
:[Panel 4: Ponytail wearing goggles and holding a flask with the periodic table in the background. Three stars and circle lines around her head indicates that she is dizzy.]
::And chemistry's for stamp collectors high on methylacetate.
:[Panel 5: Cueball holds up hands questioningly.]
:Cueball:
::Why anyone who wants a job would study lit's a mystery
:[Panel 6: Cueball holding his chin.]
:Cueball:
::Unless their only other choice were something like art history.
:[Panel 7: The text is above this panels frame, which is only about two third of the other frames. In the frame is a close-up of Cueball as a graduate wearing yellow embroidered robe and yellow tasseled mortarboard.]
::A BA in communications guarantees that you'll achieve
:[Panel 8: The text is above this panels frame, which is only about two third of the other frames. In the frame is again the same Cueball graduate. Only now he is emerged in blue water. A wicker basket flows to the left, where air bubbles escape from Cueball. To the right are two fish.]
::A little less than if you'd learned to underwater basket-weave
:[Panel 9: Cueball holding a gray frog at arm's length.]
:Cueball:
::I'd rather eat a Fowler's toad than major in biology,
:Frog: Ribbit
:[Panel 10: Megan indicating to the left a scruffy individual and an individual holding a chainsaw, and to the right another scruffy individual holding a chainsaw.]
::And social psych is worse than either psych or sociology.
:[Panel 11: Cueball stands in front of a brown desk holding a gray course catalog. Behind the desk sits a man with glasses and hair at the back of his head. He sits on his gray office chair. There is a stack of papers on the desk.]
:Cueball:
::The thought of picking any one of these is too unbearable.
:[Panel 12: Same picture as panel 11, only now Cueball tosses the course catalog over his shoulder.]
:Cueball:
::Just put me down as "Undecided"—Every major's terrible.
:[Panel 13: The text is above this panels frame, which is only about two third of the other frames. In the frame is a seismograph chart with four traces; about halfway across one trace begins oscillating vigorously.]
::Now, if you can't prognosticate, that's OK in seismology,
:[Panel 14: A bearded man with white hair states a formula with his left arm lifted.]
::But if your hindsight's weak as well, you'd best stick to theology.
:Bearded man: X ∴ ∃X
:[Panel 15: Two lines with gray parenthesis.]
::CS will make each day a quest to find a missing close-paren.
:Code: <code>(((()((((()(</code>
:Code: <code>))))())())())</code>
:[Panel 16: Megan with a green biohazard symbol floating above her head stands alone; to the left and right three Cueball-like guys and Ponytail shun her.]
::Virology will guarantee you'll never get a hug again.
:[Panel 17: Megan running at a PC on a brown table with a brown and black axe raised over her head.]
::I.T. prepares you for a life of fighting with PCs nonstop.
:[Panel 18: The frame is a little smaller than the other frames. Above the frame is the first part of the text. In the frame is an image of a bearded man with glasses who says the rest of the text. ]
::As Pratchett said,
:Pratchett:
::"Geography's just physics slowed with trees on top."
:[Panel 19: A man with black hair plays on brown bongo drums while a blond woman and Megan look in at him from left and right.]
::Though physics seems to promise you a Richard Feynman-like career,
:[Panel 20: The text is above this panels frame, which is only about two third of the other frames. In the frame is screenshot of a wiki redirect page. Below the title is the normal text for such a page. This is unreadable though, although it is possible to imagine it is possible to read the first line which would say: ''From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia''. But not the other line which would be ''Redirect page''. Below this line is an arrow down to the page the redirect points to. This is written in blue letters.]
::The wiki page for "Physics major" redirects to "Engineer."
:Wiki page:
::Physics major
:: Engineer
:[Panel 21: Flowchart: a gray box with a sad face chains to a decision diamond reading simply "?"; the "yes" branch leads to a yellow happy-face box while the "no" branch loops back to the initial sad face.]
::They say to study history or find yourself repeating it,
:Flow chart:
::?
::No
::Yes
:[Panel 22: The text is above this panels frame, which is only about two third of the other frames. In the frame is Hairbun as a teacher with boxy spectacles and a bun in front of a green chalkboard with three years in white.]
::But all that it prepares you for is forty years of teaching it.
:Chalkboard:
::1935
::1969
::1991
:[Panel 23: Cueball at his adviser's desk again as in panel 12, but now without any catalog and holding his arms down.]
:Cueball:
::I recognize my four-year plan's at this point not repairable,
:[Panel 24: Same as panel 23 except Cueball has raised a first and the adviser has his hand to his mouth.]
:Cueball:
::But put me down as "Undecided"—Every major's terrible.
:[Panel 25: Image of a bald man with beard and glasses. He raised both hands one as a fist the other pointing up. There are lines out from his head to the left and lightning lines out from his head to the right.]
::Astronomers all cringe when they hear "supermoon" or "zodiac".
:[Panel 26: Silhouette of Cueball, agitated, in an open field near a fence and a tractor.]
::Agronomy's a no-go; I'm a huge agorophobiac.
:[Panel 27: Cueball looking aghast at a green snake on the ground, both hands at his mouth and sweat jumping from his head. The snake also thinks about Cueball but in red and black.]
::I'm too ophiophobic to consider herpetology,
:Snake: ♥?
:[Panel 28: Anatomical image of a stomach in pink and red.]
::And I can't stomach any part of gastroenterology.
:[Panel 29: A man with wild hair, glasses askew, clutching folders and papers (green, blue and white), and dropping several.]
:Man:
::While pre-med gives you twitchy-eyed obsession with your GPA,
:[Panel 30: Ponytail reciting poetry; her poem is this panel's line, in a lighter, lower-case font.]
:Ponytail:
::<tt>a poetry degree bespeaks bewildering naïveté.</tt>
:[Panel 31: The text is above this panels frame, which is only about two third of the other frames. The frame is a TV screen with the ''CSI: Miami'' logo, CSI in yellow.]
::TV's behind the rush into forensic criminology
:TV screen:
::''' CSI: '''
::'''Miami'''
:[Panel 32: A balding man wearing glasses and holding a smoking pipe together with Ponytail holding a notebook watch a wall-mounted flat-screen TV on which the ''CSI: Miami'' logo from the previous panel is showing.]
::(Or so claims meta-academic epidemiology).
:TV screen:
:: CSI:
::Miami
:[Panel 33: Cueball is talking with his left arm raised, palm up.]
:Cueball:
::By dubbing econ "dismal science" adherents exaggerate;
:[Panel 34: Close-up on Cueball with left arm up.]
:Cueball:
::The "dismal"'s fine—it's "science" where they patently prevaricate.
:[Panel 35: As panel 23 with Cueball at his adviser's desk once more though with both hands held out in front of him.]
:Cueball:
::In terms of choices, I'd say only Sophie's was comparable.
:[Panel 36: Same as panel 35 except that Cueball makes a final dramatic flair spreading both arms out.]
:Cueball:
::Just put me down as "Undecided"—Every major's terrible!

{{comic discussion}}
[[Category:Comics with color]]
[[Category:Songs]]
[[Category:Comics featuring Cueball‏‎]]
[[Category:Comics featuring Megan‏‎]]
[[Category:Comics featuring Ponytail‏‎]]
[[Category:Comics featuring Hairbun]]
[[Category:Multiple Cueballs]]
[[Category:Comics featuring real people‏‎]]
[[Category:Astronomy‏‎]]
[[Category:Biology‏‎]]
[[Category:Chemistry‏‎]]
[[Category:Computers‏‎]]
[[Category:Geography]]
[[Category:Math‏‎]]
[[Category:Philosophy‏‎]]
[[Category:Physics‏‎]]
[[Category:Psychology‏‎]]
[[Category:Science‏‎ ]]
[[Category:Flowcharts]]
[[Category:Puns]]
[[Category:Animals]]