1933: Santa Facts

2017-12-25T12:42:48Z

Melskunk: Updated Pokemon reference with an explanation of Santa's psychic abilities

{{comic
| number = 1933
| date = December 25, 2017
| title = Santa Facts
| image = santa_facts.png
| titletext = We've gotten him up to 20% milk and cookies through an aggressive public campaign, but that seems to be his dietary limit. Anything above that and he starts developing nutritional deficiencies.
}}

==Explanation==
{{incomplete|Please change this comment when editing this page. Do NOT delete this tag too soon.}}

This comic provides some dubious "Facts" and "Figures" of the creature known as "Santa." We can see from the drawing this is obviously meant to either be {{w|Santa Claus}} or a parody of Santa Claus.

{| class="wikitable"
!Fact/Feature
!Explanation
|-
|Type: Flying/Psychic
|A reference to Pokémon. The type of a Pokémon describes and determines its abilities (including attacks), affinities, and general nature. In most stories Santa Claus rides a sled pulled by flying reindeer (all other Flying-type Pokémon fly under their own power) and some kind of magical power (usually affiliated with Fairy-type Pokémon but not unheard-of with Psychic-type). Psychic possibly refers to his ability to know a child's activities and behavior, including when they are {{w|Santa_Claus_Is_Comin%27_to_Town| sleeping or awake}}, implying a Psychic ability to read minds.
|-
|Plural: "Santa"
|The plural form of 'Santa' conveniently parallels that of 'reindeer.'

In real life, "santa" means "saint" in most {{w|Romance languages}}. However "santa" is not plural in any of these languages (for example, in Portugese the proper plural would be "santos"). Taking "Santa Claus" as a separate noun, the plural would be "Santa Clauses".
|-
|Active warrants: 5
|There is an active warrant for Santa's arrest in 5 jurisdictions, presumably for breaking and entering.
|-
|Lubricated for easy passage down chimneys
|The diagram indicates that Santa's attire is lubricated to ease his traditional method of ingress and egress. This explanation is incomplete, however, as a great many chimneys have cross-sectional area substantially smaller than that of a normal human body, let alone a portly one, as commonly described. The common presence of chimney caps, fireplace dampers, and the like would also impede Santa's passage down a great many chimneys. That said, if we take the classic poem "{{w|A Visit from St. Nicholas}}" into account, the statement is technically true, just "lubricated" with magic rather than physical lubrication.

The entire "lubrication" section is likely a reference to lubricated condoms.
|-
|Vertical Leap: 14 Miles
|A vertical leap of 14 miles (~23 km), ''ignoring air resistance'' would require an initial launch velocity of slightly more than 2180 feet per second (665 m/s), somewhat over twice the speed of sound. Achieving this velocity by means of bending then straightening the legs would require an acceleration of roughly 25,000 G, placing extraordinarily high demands on the strength of the legs. As Santa does not have a particularly aerodynamic shape, air resistance would increase the launch velocity and launch acceleration requirements substantially.
|-
|Sleigh Flag of Convenience: Panama
|The {{w|Flag_of_convenience|Flag of Convenience}} identifies the open registry in which an ocean-going vessel has its registration information. Panama maintains one of the top three open registries. Owners of a vessel may choose to use an open registry to avoid labor or safety regulations of the owner's country. They may also choose such a registry to help obscure ownership of the vessel. Which concern applies in the case of Santa's sleigh is not stated, or (more likely) not known.
|-
|9th in Presidential Line of Succession
|The {{w|United_States_presidential_line_of_succession|Presidential Line of Succession}} specifies the order in which persons may become or act as President of the United States if the incumbent President becomes incapacitated, dies, resigns, or is removed from office. Having Santa as the 9th in that order would place him above the Secretary of Agriculture. An alternative interpretation would hold that Santa '''is''' the present Secretary of Agriculture, Sonny Perdue.

Assuming Sonny Perdue is not Santa Claus, Santa is likely ineligible for the Oval Office, as most origin stories of Santa have him a natural-born citizen of a European country rather than the United States. However Santa might be old enough to qualify under the "citizen at the timeof the adoption of this constitution" clause.
|-
|Not technically an insect — actually an arthropod
|A somewhat common statement about ticks and other arthropods. Santa is apparently not human, but some sort of human-sized and human-mimicking arthropod. A common mistake is the identification of some organism as an insect when it is not. Most such organisms do tend to be arthropods (a slightly more general supertaxon of insects). So, correcting such errors will typically lead to the assertion that the organism in question is a non-insect arthropod. The wording here, though, is awkward in that "actually" implies a contradiction or contrast, but the word "arthropod" on its own does not preclude the possibility of the referent being, more specifically, an insect as well. In any case, such classification is humorous in the case of Santa, since he is traditionally depicted as being a human or elf with magical powers, and does not traditionally display any of the characteristics of an arthropod (such as an exoskeleton). However, because he does indeed seem to lack six appendages, instead seemingly having exactly four, he cannot be an insect - so the assertion is (probably) true in its first half.
|-
|Only known vampire able to enter house without being invited
|Vampires cannot enter dwellings without the occupant of the dwelling inviting them in. Santa must enter houses uninvited to do his job, so if he is a vampire he is the exception to that rule. In traditional vampire folklore, a vampire cannot enter an abode without an invitation from the owner of the same. Santa, however, seems to be able to enter houses even without explicit invitation (although plenty of children do welcome him either via written notes or by their general sentiments). This juxtaposes interestingly with the previous point about his arthropod nature.
|-
|Works with Alexa
|May mean that Alexa (Amazon's virtual assistant) is Santa's colleague, that Santa uses Alexa in his work, or Santa is functionally compatible with Alexa. A common advertisement states that a product is compatible with Amazon's smart device, Alexa. But it could also be a play on the idea or fear that Alexa may be used to spy on people from the privacy of their own homes, much like what is claimed of Santa ("he knows when you're sleeping, [...]").
|-
|Ribbed
| A reference to condoms, which have ridges or ribbing in order to promote pleasurable stimulation during coitus. Of course, this also puns on the fact that, as a humanoid, Santa presumably has a rib cage. (This might directly contradict the claims about his being an arthropod).
|-
|IUCN Red List: Critically endangered
| The [https://www.iucn.org/about International Union for Conservation of Nature] (IUCN) monitors the size and viability of populations of organisms; 'critically endangered' marks a population as being highly susceptible to extinction. Santa, being one (or possibly two, if we include his wife) of a kind and lacking any offspring (and, indeed, likely being incapable of effectively producing any), will most likely be the last member of his population; thus extinction will arrive with his or his wife's death. Note, however, that the presence on the Red List implies that "Santa" is a biological species, not a fantasy, robot, or other non-biological entity. This is consonant with Santa being an arthropod or vampire.
|-
|Diet: 80% Reindeer
|The Title Text states that prior as a result of intervention that the diet is now 20% milk & cookies, implying that previously it was 100% Reindeer.
|-
|Liability Insurance: None
|As a result of his diet (see above), alleged criminal activity (ditto), species ambiguity, and occupation, Santa would find the cost of liability insurance quite high. He instead chooses to 'go bare' and operate without any.
|}

==Transcript==
{{incomplete transcript|Do NOT delete this tag too soon.}}
:[An annotated picture of Santa]
:'''Santa'''
:Facts and Figures

:Type: Flying/Psychic
:Plural: "Santa"
:Active Warrants: 5
:Lubricated for easy passage down chimneys
:Vertical leap: 14 Miles
:Sleigh flag of convenience: Panama
:9th in presidential line of succession
:Not technically an insect—actually an arthropod
:Only known vampire able to enter house without being invited
:Works with Alexa
:Ribbed
:IUCN red list: Critically endangered
:Diet: 80% Reindeer
:Liability Insurance: None

{{comic discussion}}

[[Category:Christmas]]

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1933: Santa Facts