1350: Lorenz/Transcript

This is a valiant effort to create a transcript for the continually growing dynamic comic 1350: Lorenz

More panels/text have been appearing on the comic constantly since its debut, so expanding this transcript is expected to be a constant work in progress. We still have many storylines missing. Feel free to add more if you find them!

Knit Cap Girl:
[Typing on the laptop and thinking.]
(permalink)

Refresh Branch

Refresh... No new email... Refresh... No new tweets... Refresh... (permalink)

Hairy:

So you're still refusing to use Facebook?

Wanna build a snowman?

Hey. I hear Godot is in town. Wanna try to meet him?

You know. Your car's on fire.

Stupid Tiles Branch

These stupid tiles... I'll just play one more game.

[Hairy visits Knit Cap Girl.]
Hairy:

There's something weird out on the lawn.

Hat Guy:

This is an apartment. We don't have a lawn.

[Knit Cap Guy and Hairy leave the house. They pass by a moat.]
Hairy:

OK, two weird things.

Hairy:

I count three.

Why is there a gap here?

Who tiled the moat?

I can see a creeper down there.

Knit Cap Girl: Damn Griefers.

Is this 1-1 from Mario?

[Knit Cap Girl and Hairy pass by a tree.]
Hairy:

Why does that tree looks fake?

Narrator: A wild Pikachu appeared!
Narrator: Enemy Pikachu used "Theft"!
Narrator: It's not very effective...
Narrator: ...
Pikachu: Um...

Actually, it's the final castle. Grab your Fire Flower!

It's over this way.

I've never been this far before!

Hairy: Are you going insane again?

See? It's like a glitch in the Matrix.

Knit Cap Girl:

How far can we go?

What the fuck?!

How... How do we get everything back?

This isn't where I left that...

I have a lawn?

[Knit Cap Girl and Hairy leave the house. They pass by a moat.]
Hairy:

Hmmm, did you order a moat?

Knit Cap Girl:

It helps keep bobcats out.

Of course. All cool kids have moats in their yards.

I don't have the best relationship with my mailman.

Yep. Delivered in two days, courtesy of Amazon Prime.

I don't remember this being here.

Knit Cap Girl:

It has begun! That's one of the first holes in reality.

Knit Cap Girl:

I've been working on a theory that 2048 is a tool for the old ones to open up portals to this reality.

What about black holes? Those don't count?

We must go deeper.

I wanted to jump over the massive sinkhole, but nooo, someone just had to find out what was down there.

Oh, I had the moving company install it last week.

We poop in it.

Finally got you out of the damn house.

Narrator: A wild Pikachu appeared!
Narrator: Enemy Pikachu used "Ink Cloud"!
Narrator: ...
Pikachu: Um...
Pikachu: Well then.
Pikachu: I might have left surprises in that direction.

Look how deep it goes!

Hairy:

I wonder if we can get someone to fall in?

I'm going in. You can come if you want to. I think I see stars down there.

That was a missing opportunity.

I should come outside more often.

It looks like I can see Moria from here.

Knit Cap Girl:

You see Moria from everywhere, Dave.

Narrator: A wild Pikachu appeared!
Narrator: Enemy Pikachu used "Ink Cloud"!
Narrator: It's not very effective...
Narrator:

Google Maps didn't warn me of this.

Narrator: It's not very effective...
Narrator: Enemy Pikachu used "Uplift!"
Narrator: It's not very effective...
Narrator: Enemy Pikachu used "Cute Face!"
Narrator: It's not very effective...
Narrator: Enemy Pikachu used "Faceless"!
Narrator: It's not very effective...
Narrator: Where's Twitch when I need help?
Narrator: It's not very effective...
Narrator: Enemy Pikachu used "Abandonment"!
Narrator: It's not very effective...

Enemy Pikachu used "The Discrete Metric"!

Narrator: It's not very effective...
Narrator: Enemy Pikachu used "Extrude"!
Narrator: It's not very effective...
Narrator: ...
Pikachu: Um...
Pikachu:

Now I only have Struggle left. Tie?

Pikachu: No fair!

We are the knights who say Ni!

What is even going on here?

Gathered the ink!

Narrator: It's not very effective...
Narrator: Enemy Pikachu used "Granite"!
Narrator: It's not very effective...

Yeah, who did you think gave them a balrog?

Knit Cap Girl:

One does not simple "give" a balrog.

What? You weren't using it!

Gift-wrapping's the hardest part.

Moria is an anagram of Mario!

[Knit Cap Girl and Hairy pass by a tree.]
Hairy: Not idly do the leaves of Lorien fall.

I hope it's not a bobcat this time.

[A giant hole appears and they fall into it.]
Knit Cap Girl and Hairy: Aaaaa...
[Knit Cap Girl wakes up.]
Knit Cap Girl: Gasp [Goes to his desk.]
Knit Cap Girl: Yawn [Sits at his desk.]
Knit Cap Girl:

Might as well clear more tiles.

[Hairy visits Knit Cap Girl again.]
Hairy:

Um, there's a hole in your lawn...

Knit Cap Girl:

If it doesn't lead to a 1024 tile, I'm leaving.

Damn bobcats.

Hairy:

Well it was here...

I don't think it was bobcats this time. Unless they have backshoes...

I just had a dream about that.

[Knit Cap Girl and Hairy go outside again and fall in the hole again~.]
Knit Cap Girl and Hairy: Aaaaa...
[Knit Cap Girl wakes up, leaves the bed and finds a boomerang.]
Knit Cap Girl:

It looks like is [sic] fell from space.

[Knit Cap Girl throwns the boomerang away and it hits something.]
Crash!
[Knit Cap Girl runs away.]

I hope this isn't just another one of those dreams that keeps coming back at you.

[Knit Cap Girl throws the boomerang twice, only for it to return to him both times.]
Knit Cap Girl: Hm. I was expecting a shark.
[Knit Cap Girl throwns the boomerang again, and it returns to him again.]

I hope this was not thrown by a bobcat.

[Knit Cap Girl throws the boomerang, only for it to return to him .]
Knit Cap Girl: There's a mesage written on it.
[Knit Cap Girl throws the boomerang again. It hits something.]
Crash!
[Knit Cap Girl runs away.]

There's someone at the door looking for you.

I made an apple pie.

If you want to do that, I'm rebuilding my bathroom this afternoon.

Definitely not going outside today.

Thank God it wasn't a bobcat.

Hairy:

You just got a package. It's by the door.

Why is there a bobcat on your lawn?

There's somewhere [sic] weird out on the lawn.

Knit Cap Girl:

This seems familiar.

[Knit Cap Girl and Hairy go outside.]
Knit Cap Girl: I hope it's not a velociraptor.

Hold up. I need to get my wingsuit first.

I hope it's not a giant hole.

[Knit Cap Girl and Hairy go outside. They pass by a tree.]
Hairy: How disappointed are you?
Knit Cap Girl:

I was expecting a bobcat.

Oh? That's the other tree.

Eh, not that much.

I have a bad feeling about this.

Hey do you know why there's a giant hole in the yard?

[Knit Cap Girl and Hairy go outside.]
Knit Cap Girl: I swear if it's a bobcat.
Knit Cap Girl:

Why did you bring me here?

This dream has been looping for years, and yet we never tire of it. Why is that?

[There is a gap in the ground. Knit Cap Girl jumps over it, Hairy looks into it.]

Hmmm... I should buy a shovel.

[Knit Cap Girl looks at his screen wondering.]
Knit Cap Girl:

Wow! Shovels sure are expensive!

Shovels can't be actually made out of two sticks and a row of rocks?

[Knit Cap Girl is wondering more. Hairy comes. They connect their laptops. Hairy is wondering. Knit Cap Girl tries something at Hairy's laptop.]

How can there be 36 types of shovel??!

These prices are insane! I wonder if you can rent a shovel...

If you reprogrammed the squirrel laser to target hipsters again...

[Knit Cap Girl and Hairy go outside.]
Knit Cap Girl:

Let's just say we won't have to worry about parking.

No, now they're just wearing wigs ironically.

Things may have gotten out of control a little.

At least it improved their haircuts.

There's a dinosaur at the door.

T-Rex:

Self-doubt crippled my arms. Can I have yours?

T-Rex:

Never answer your mobile phone while I am addressing you!

[T-Rex is going to step on a house.]
T-Rex:

I think you just entered a dead zone.

[Knit Cap Girl is inside the house. She wakes up from a dream, goes outside and finds a boomerang.]

Kids these days.

[Knit Cap Girl is inside the house. She wakes up from a dream, and goes back to her computer.]

Die you monster.

[Hairy is inside the house. He wakes up from a dream, and starts singing.]
Hairy: [Singing] I woke up like this.

Also, have you heard about Tumblr?

Also I have some trenchant observations on language and philosophy to make.

[T-Rex is going to step on a house.]
T-Rex: Also, your brain is like this house.
[Knit Cap Girl is inside the house. He wakes up from a dream and goes back to his computer.]

It's not like you're using them.

I need a hand!

Did you think he was joking?

Sorry for just barging in, I couldn't reach the doorbell.

I heard Home Depot has 1024 bathroom tiles.

Knit Cap Girl:

But how many bathrooms?

That's 2^5 more than Ikea, I need to see for myself.

Let's go, I can keep playing on my phone on the drive.

Pfft. Amateurs. Let's go mock them.

I think I saw a "4096" tile outside somewhere.

Political Thing Branch

Oh. Hey. There's some kind of political thing going on.

Laptop: "...and let's go live to the debate."
[Two politicians are debating on TV.]
Politician 1:

In contrast to my oppponent, who I quote, "Never liked Firefly much to begin with."

...but even if you tied enough birds to the car, would you get them to take off in unison?

Politician 2:

Tie a predatory bird to the car with a somewhat shorter rope so that it will scare off the rest of the birds without being able to reach them.

Training. That's why I support the "Airlift Act", which would put more resources into the hands of bird educators everywhere.

Politician 1:

But is "Airlift" an acronym?

Hairy:

There are birds outside tied to a car.

Knit Cap Girl:

Cool, let's see who we should vote for.

I know who I'm voting for.

How many birds? (permalink)

Hairy:

I call her "Serenity."

So when you said birds...

Knit Cap Girl:

Wait. The birds are inside!?

White Hat: Want to forget your dreams? There's a pill for that!

Someone inside the rocket: I needed to escape from politics anyway.

Voice inside the rocket: "…And let’s go live to the debate". (permalink)

                                                                       Other spacecraft: We observe your speed to be 38.5%c, and your time is passing at 92.3% the rate of ours. Does this mirror your observations?

All terms are relative.

Liquefied bird fuel is the way to the future.

Well, by “birds” and “car” I really meant a rocket. There’s totally a rocket in your lawn, man.

The owls in our barn are forming a union.

Or course: Avian Implemented Reuseable Lifter and Ingenuous Flight Technology!

But you must agree that a bitd in the hand is worth more than three educators in the bush.

Incredible!

Wait... Is that like people who educate birds, or birds that teach?

By opening and closing an umbrella near them.

One word: Fiscal hawks.

And if elected, I vow to win this war on Christmas once and for all!

I agree with my opponent all all [sic] issues and I think his economic plan is fantastic!

BSD Branch

Let's see if BSD is any easier to install nowadays.

[Knit Cap Girl is confused, staring at her laptop.]
Knit Cap Girl: ??
Knit Cap Girl:

Now I just need to look up what a "beard error" is...

[Knit Cap Girl has ?? next to her head to signify confusion. Hairy walks in. (continue) Hairy is on the other side of the desk with his own laptop computer. Both the computers are connected through Ethernet cable. The two characters are typing on the computer. The two stop typing. Hairy has ??? next to his head. Hairy had stepped back while the character is checking on Hairy's laptop computer. Knit Cap Girl is holding something rectangular.]
Hairy:

The USB cable appears to be mono-directional.

Kernel mites?

I'm not sure rubbing butter on it will help

[Hairy and Knit Cap Girl are handling their computers more aggressively.]
Knit Cap Girl: ARGH!

                          [They both stop. Knit Cap Girl walks away, her chair turned 180 degrees. Pushing aside the chair, she returns with a fiery blowtorch while wearing goggles.]
Hairy: [holding up a finger] Um.
[Knit Cap Girl's computer was so burned, not only steam is coming out of the computer, but even the desk is noticeably burnt. The cable (apparently also burned) hangs from Hairy's laptop computer. The used blowtorch is clumsily laid sideways be the side of the desk. Both Knit Cap Girl (whose goggles are pushed off his eye) and Hairy are looking at the calamity. The chair is almost out of view. The goggles are on the floor while the chair is nowhere to be seen. Hairy and Knit Cap Girl are walking away from the scene.]
Hairy:

Are you all of a sudden in the mood for Thai food?

Let's try OpenBSD next time...

[First panel is of a panned view. Hairy and Knit Cap Girl are walking on a path away from a house. Next panel is back to a "normal camera view".]
Hairy:

Okay then.

Let's go exploring!

I love Windows.

Guess not.

If you'd done the other one, maybe the popcorn would have popped.

Let's see if rubbing some bacon on it will work.

Let's try Linux next time...

Yep. It's haunted.

Wait. What's on this other partition?

[Knit Cap Girl has ??? next to her head to signify confusion. Hairy walks in. Hairy is on the other side of the desk with his own laptop computer. Both the computers are connected through Ethernet cable. The two characters are typing on the computer. The two stop typing. Hairy has ??? next to his head. Hairy had stepped back while Knit Cap Girl is checking on Hairy's laptop computer. Knit Cap Girl is holding something rectangular.]
Hairy:

Maybe if you cross connect the serial port to video port you'll be able to send the video directly in as an input for the password.

[Knit Cap Girl and Hairy are at sea, both emitting ripples. A shark's fin can be seen close to Hairy.]
Hairy:

It worked fine for the shark

We're definitely getting closer though

That didn't work!

It would have worked for Solaris.

Look, it made perfect sense at the time.

Still simpler than it used to be, I guess.

What's a segfault?

I think the cameras need to face each other.

I'm not sure spaghetti works as a USB cable...

Why is Python importing Skynet?

My keyboard has to support SSH over USB?

Gravity Branch

Gravity. Lots of it.

Facebook Branch

Hurry! We're in talks with Facebook. (permalink)

Hairy:

Google's at the door. They want to buy your... Well I'd rather you heard it from them.

Come check out my neighbour's ball pit. It's full of balls.

Oh, didn't I tell you? I got their database password years ago

Do you think they'll care that the coffee machine doesn't work?