1625: Substitutions 2
Title text: Within a few minutes, our roads will be full of uncontrollably-swerving cars and our skies full of Amazon delivery dogs.
| This explanation may be incomplete or incorrect: Please add examples as per 1288 comic. Table for explanation?|
If you can address this issue, please edit the page! Thanks.
In this table, Randall suggests substituting several common phrases in generic news with similar or related phrases that mean something different for comical effect. Some of the replacements are synonyms, some are antonyms, and some are plain different concepts that, while would make a grammatically correct sentence, the resulting idea would sound absurd or bizarre.
Some of the examples might, also, mock the fact that many news contradict the actual facts or obvious results of a situation. (e.g. "[influential person] vows to do good to the world" would be replaced with with a more usual fact "[influential person] probably won't do good to the world")
The title text is an example of how the closing sentence of a given article or report might sound.
See also 1288: Substitutions.
- Original sentence (as per title text, using also 1288 for "cars"): Within a few years, our roads will be full of self-driving cars and our skies full of Amazon delivery drones.
- Modified sentence: Within a few minutes, our roads will be full of uncontrollably-swerving cats and our skies full of Amazon delivery dogs.
- Original sentence: North Korea’s Kim vows to raise living standards
- Modified sentence: North Korea’s Kim probably won't raise living standards
- Original sentence: Commissioner Russell successfully ran for an at-large seat on the commission
- Modified sentence: Commissioner Russell suddenly ran for a very large seat on the commission
- Original sentence: The Republican presidential front-runner faces a global firestorm
- Modified sentence: The Republican presidential blade runner faces a spherical firestorm
- Original sentence: Donald Trump remains the front-runner Republican candidate in an unknown number of polls since the debates.
- Modified sentence: Donald Trump remains the Blade Runner Republican Airbender in like hundreds of psychic readings since the dance-offs.
- Original sentence: There was no indication of first-degree familial relationships in the analyzed dataset
- Modified sentence: There were lots of signs of friggin' awful familial relationships in the analyzed dataset
Airbender refers to the show Avatar: The Last Airbender, where there are waterbenders, earthbenders, firebenders and airbenders.
- Original sentence: Fifth Republican debate: where each candidate excelled and faltered
- Modified sentence: Fifth Republican dance-off: where each airbender excelled and faltered
- Original sentence: An unknown number of civilians recieved 3rd degree burns after an unsuccessful drone attack Tuesday. Folloing global outrage, the front runners of presidential candidates vowed to urge restraint in the future.
- Modified sentence: Like hundreds of civilians recieved friggin awful burns after a not very sudden dog attack Tuesday. Following spherical outrage, the blade runners of presidential airbenders probably won't drunkedly egg it on in the future
That make reading the news more fun
|Self driving||➜||Uncontrollably swerving|
|Vows to||➜||Probably won't|
|At large||➜||Very large|
|An unknown number||➜||Like hundreds|
|Front runner||➜||Blade runner|
|No indication||➜||Lots of signs|
|Urged restraint by||➜||Drunkenly egged on|
|Horsepower||➜||Tons of horsemeat|
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