1803: Location Reviews
Title text: Google and Yelp keep deleting my scathing reviews of the Mariana Trench, the Chernobyl reactor core, the jet stream, and the equator.
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Many online advertising services and social media networks (like Google and Yelp mentioned in the title text and for instance Facebook) allow users to leave reviews of stores, businesses and locations. For various reasons these sites often find themselves with pages dedicated to, as Randall puts it, "places that really don't need reviews" such as municipal works installations, government property, and natural landmarks. This naturally attracts both clueless people and lots of self-styled comedians leaving less-than-helpful comments on such review pages.
Randall is just poking fun at this phenomenon by inventing possible reviews for the (fictional) location Canyon River Nuclear Launch Facility, depicted with a Google Maps-styled map page along with a series of so-called reviews. See explanations for the 11 visible (out of 22) reviews in the table below. Of course those responsible for such a facility with nuclear missiles would not like the attention they would be getting in this way, especially not when one of the comments mentions a hole in the fence...
In the title text Randall mentions that both Google and Yelp keep deleting his scathing reviews of several locations like the above. And while Canyon River Nuclear Launch Facility appears not to exist, the places/phenomena he lists in the title text certainly do, and are places that you either cannot or would not normally visit as destinations. This explains why:
Mariana Trench is the deepest area of the world's oceans, about 10,994 meters (36,070 ft), located between Japan and Australia. The pressure in the Mariana Trench is about 1,086 bars, more than 1,000 times the standard atmospheric pressure of about 1 bar at sea level. Despite this enormous pressure some organisms live in the Mariana Trench. Humans can reach the ground only by special deep-sea submarines, like Jacques Piccard did in 1960 with the Bathyscaphe Trieste. See reviews for the Mariana Trench at Google Maps and Facebook.
The Chernobyl reactor core is the most dangerous part of the Chernobyl Nuclear power plant. It is located in the North of Ukraine. In the reactor No. 4 there was a nuclear disaster that happened on 26 April 1986. It caused devastating damage and massive radioactive contamination. There is still an Chernobyl Exclusion Zone 30 kilometers around the power plant. See reviews for the Chernobyl power plant at Google Maps and Facebook.
Jet streams are a meteorologic phenomenon about 9 to 16 kilometers above the ground. A stream consist of air currents with speeds from 92 km/h (50 kn; 57 mph) to over 398 km/h (215 kn; 247 mph). Such jet streams are routinely used for reducing fuel usage for long distance plane travels.
The equator is, as the jet streams, not a singular place but a circumference around the Earth. Reviewing the equator as a singular location is rather pointless, though there is a whole range of specific (and interesting) locations around the equator, with countries with tropical rainforest climate, which many people from European and North American countries struggle with. That said, most of the equator goes over water.
|★★★★★||Greatest country on earth||A patriotic review, though provides no information on the actual nuclear site. The location is in the "greatest country", although this makes fun of people who go too specific, because all places in that country could be rated like this.|
|★★☆☆☆||Looks cool but you can't get in||This reviewer, although initially positive, attempts to highlight what they perceive as a major flaw with the site: namely, that it is off-limits to unauthorized personnel and heavily-guarded, so it's impossible to actually go inside. This is typical of a nuclear facility, but this kind of review could also be seen for a fancy restaurant that needs very early pre-booking.|
|★☆☆☆☆||What is this store||Reviewer really, really has no idea what this facility actually is, mistaking it for a store.|
|★★★★☆||My cousin worked here||If true, this review is a serious security risk (e.g. kidnapping the reviewer to extort information from his cousin). The comment may also just be a way for the reviewer to pretend he knows someone who works in the higher levels of the government. Usually this kind of comment together with a four star rating is to signal that you know more about the location than regular reviewers does. Of course you could then also be perceived as partial.|
|★★☆☆☆||Waitstaff heavily armed and very rude||This review mistakes the facility's security guards for a restaurant's waitstaff. Since the guards are protecting some of the most dangerous weapons in existence, and would not let unknown outsiders into the facility, it follows that the guards would be heavily armed, and quite rude to those who sought entry without proper permission.|
|★☆☆☆☆||Stop doing chemtrails||This reviewer believes in the chemtrail conspiracy theory and is urging the government to cease spreading the chemtrails. This conspiracy was earlier mentioned both in 966: Jet Fuel and 1677: Contrails.|
|★☆☆☆☆||This place is a symptom of the military-industrial complex strangling our democracy and...(read full review-1184 words)||A slightly tongue-in-cheek reference to essays against 'The Military-Industrial complex' and how they are often copy-pasted by people who don't really understand them in inappropriate places. Or just to people who rant far beyond anything that people would ever read, except if they are already agreeing with the writer.|
|★★★★☆||Anyone else notice the hole in the west fence?||The adventurer's travel guide to government installations... Posting a comment like this would (at best) bring the hole to the attention of the site staff to be repaired and (at worst) bring the writer unwelcome attention from the authorities for publicizing a security vulnerability at a missile site. This might also be a reference to Richard Feynman's account of finding a hole in the fence surrounding the Los Alamos facility during the Manhattan Project.|
|★★★★★||Whoa, missiles!||The writer is impressed and apparently surprised to discover that the site has missiles. This may also be a reference to the "Whoa, technology!" meme, which originated when YandereDev, a Youtuber, uttered the phrase in one of his videos.|
|★★★☆☆||Good idea but confusing web site. How do I preorder?||This reviewer thinks that one can order a nuclear missile launch here, but can't find a preorder form on the website. In reality, the decision to launch nuclear missiles often rests with the heads of state or government, and outside persons are not allowed to control them.|
|★☆☆☆☆||Please don't launch these||A plea to the facility owners not to launch the nuclear missiles, due to their deleterious effects on human life.|
- [Inside the main panel there is a frame with a Google location map with the typical red pin stuck in the center of the map inside a large gray region of the map. A river goes from the north through the gray region and out to the west. East and south of the river some roads and other items are shown, several of them also outside the gray region. The red pin is stuck next to a corner in one of the roads.]
- [Below the map is the name of the location at the red pin, and below that there are three lines of unreadable text:]
- Canyon River Nuclear Launch Facility
- [Below that there is broken line with text in the break, and below that follows 11 reviews with yellow stars to the left:]
- Reviews (22)
- [5/5 stars] Greatest country on earth
- [2/5 stars] Looks cool but you can't get in
- [1/5 stars] What is this store
- [4/5 stars] My cousin worked here
- [2/5 stars] Waitstaff heavily armed and very rude
- [1/5 stars] Stop doing chemtrails
- [1/5 stars] This place is a symptom of the military-industrial complex strangling our democracy and...(read full review-1184 words)
- [4/5 stars] Anyone else notice the hole in the west fence?
- [5/5 stars] Whoa, missiles!
- [3/5 stars] Good idea but confusing web site. How do I preorder?
- [1/5 stars] Please don't launch these
- [Caption below the panel:]
- I love finding reviews of places that really don't need to have reviews.
- Only 11 of the 22 reviews posted is shown. For those 11 the average star rating is 2.6/5 stars. All five possible ratings are represented at least once.
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