Editing 2243: Star Wars Spoiler Generator

{{comic
| number    = 2243
| date      = December 18, 2019
| title     = Star Wars Spoiler Generator
| image     = star wars spoiler generator.png
| titletext = The heroes seem to be gaining the upper hand until Darth Juul manages to flip the switch on the car wash control panel from 'REGULAR' to 'PREMIUM.'
}}

==Explanation==
On December 20, 2019 (2 days after the publication of this comic), the final movie of the "Skywalker saga" of ''Star Wars'' films, ''{{w|Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker}}'', was officially released to the US. It received a world premiere in Los Angeles on December 16, so there are lots of spoilers online, and also lots of people who want to avoid spoilers.  [[Randall]] has created a flowchart that generates "spoilers" to the film, but as he probably has not seen the film (or, if he has, he doesn't actually want to spoil it for us), all of the so-called spoilers are nonsensical.

The formula for each spoiler is as follows: "In this Star Wars movie, our heroes return to take on the First Order and new villain '''[villain name]''' with help from their new friend '''[friend name]'''. Rey builds a new lightsaber with a '''[color]''' blade, and they head out to confront the First Order's new superweapon, the '''[superweapon name]''', a space station capable of '''[evil plan]'''. They unexpectedly join forces with their old enemy '''[character]''' and destroy the superweapon in a battle featuring '''[strange event]'''. P.S. Rey's parents are '''[character]''' and '''[character]'''".

The {{w|First Order (Star Wars)|First Order}} is the main antagonist group in the ''Star Wars'' {{w|Star Wars sequel trilogy|sequel trilogy}} series. In ''{{w|Star Wars: The Force Awakens}}'', they use a superweapon in their base, Starkiller Base, to destroy the planetary system housing the headquarters of the {{w|New Republic (Star Wars)|New Republic}}, the democratic government which was formed after the {{w|Galactic Empire (Star Wars)|Empire}}'s defeat in ''{{w|Return of the Jedi}}''. 

"Building a {{w|lightsaber}}" is one of the rites of passage for becoming a {{w|Jedi}} Knight. In the {{w|Star Wars prequel trilogy|prequel trilogy}}, new Jedi build lightsabers as an official part of the journey towards Knighthood, and in the {{w|Star Wars Trilogy|original trilogy}}, {{w|Luke Skywalker}} builds a lightsaber between ''The Empire Strikes Back'' and ''Return of the Jedi'' as part of his training with {{w|Yoda}}.  {{w|Rey (Star Wars)|Rey}} has used the lightsaber that {{w|Darth Vader|Anakin Skywalker}} made and used (which Luke also used when he was a new Jedi) for the first two movies of the sequel trilogy, and so it would be thematically appropriate for her to build her own prior to the trilogy's final entry.  Most Jedi's lightsabers are either blue or green, with a few notable exceptions (e.g. {{w|Mace Windu}}'s purple lightsaber, which was chosen because purple is a cool color).  Kyber crystals are aligned with the Light Side of {{w|the Force}}, so {{w|Sith}} must overpower and "bleed" their crystals before they will function for them, which causes their distinctive red color.  Having a lightsaber of a color other than blue, green, or red is often seen in the ''Star Wars'' fandom as a sign of being a "{{tvtropes|MarySue|Mary Sue}}", which is an accusation which has been made of Rey.<ref>Though often disputed. See [https://collider.com/rey-not-mary-sue-star-wars/ this article] for more information on both viewpoints.</ref>

Another common plot point in ''Star Wars'' media is the construction, use, and destruction of a superweapon.  These are inspired by stories and media of World War II, in which militaries rapidly developed novel technologies and weapons (including {{w|Wunderwaffe|"wonder-weapons"}}).  Meanwhile, they launched massive operations to find, attack, and destroy critical elements of their enemies' resources and infrastructure, and constructed elaborate defenses for their own.  The attack on the {{w|Death Star}} in particular is inspired by {{w|Operation Chastise}}, the "bouncing bomb" attack on Germany's hydroelectric power plants; Operation Chastise was dramatised in the {{w|The Dam Busters (book)|1951 book}} and {{w|The Dam Busters (film)|1955 film}} ''The Dam Busters'', which was [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lNdb03Hw18M very thoroughly homaged] by ''A New Hope''.  The original trilogy of movies only had two Death Stars, but superweapons quickly became a staple of the {{w|Star Wars expanded to other media|Expanded Universe}} fiction, to the point that one book had {{w|Han Solo}} make fun of the Empire's tendency towards building superweapons, proposing such ridiculous names as "Galaxy Destructor" and "Nostril of Palpatine".  Superweapons are also common in superhero stories.

Redemption and making allies of old enemies is also a common plot point in ''Star Wars''.  Anakin Skywalker fell to the Dark Side and became Darth Vader, but eventually returned to the Light Side to protect his son, and Han Solo was initially a morally ambiguous character who was eventually convinced to join the Rebellion.

Rey, one of the main characters in the sequel trilogy series is an orphan, who was left behind on the planet Jakku as a child. As Rey is Force-sensitive and adept at using a lightsaber, there is much speculation among Star Wars fans as to the identity of her parents. Many major characters in ''Star Wars'' have unexpected heritages of great portent, most famously Luke, who was very distressed to learn that Darth Vader did not ''kill'' his father, as Obi-Wan had told him, but ''is'' his father. In ''{{w|Star Wars: The Last Jedi}}'', villain {{w|Kylo Ren}} tells her that she is the child of "filthy junk traders", but many fans speculate that he was lying to her.

The title text refers to the bottom option of the [strange event in battle] section. Apparently Lord Juul (or Darth Juul) is fighting the heroes in the Sith car wash. It is unclear what "flipping the switch" from Regular to Premium would do, but it seems to be beneficial to Darth Juul. A "premium" car wash usually has more features than a regular car wash, e.g. more cleaning brushes, waxing the car, cleaning the tires, etc.

This is the second false fact generating comic, after [[1930: Calendar Facts]].

==Table==
{| class="wikitable"
! Entry
! Explanation
|-
! colspan="2" | New villain
|-
| Kyle Ren
| Kyle Ren is one letter away from {{w|Kylo Ren|''Kylo'' Ren}}, the adopted "Sith name" of Ben Solo, son of Han and Leia Solo.  Kylo is one of the antagonists of the first two movies in the sequel trilogy, and presumably will be so in the third, but there's nobody in the films named "Kyle".  (There are a handful of ''Legends'' characters named Kyle, most famously Kyle Katarn, protagonist of the ''Star Wars: Jedi Knight'' video game series.)
|-
| {{w|Malloc}}
| Malloc is a function used in the C programming language to '''alloc'''ate more '''m'''emory in the running of a program. Malloc may sound similar to {{w|Darth Malak|Malak}}, the antagonist of the ''{{w|Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic}}'' video game. Improper use of the malloc and free functions can cause "memory leak" bugs in programs.
|-
| Darth Sebelius
| {{w|Sebelius}} is the last name of several people. 
* {{w|Kathleen Sebelius}} is a former state representative and governor of Kansas who was Secretary of the Department of Health and Human Services under President Obama. Sebelius was the named party in a {{w|National Federation of Independent Business v. Sebelius|Supreme Court case}} that upheld the provisions of the {{w|Affordable Care Act}} ("Obamacare"). The naming of Sebelius as a villain may reference the fact that the ACA has been controversial among certain groups. 
* {{w|Jean Sibelius}} is a renowned Finnish composer. {{w|Sibelius (scorewriter)|Sibelius}} is also the name of a piece of music software.
Randall may have chosen this surname as it sounds similar to {{w|Darth Sidious}}, the overarching villain in the first 6 Star Wars films, who is rumored to return in the upcoming film. 
|-
| {{w|Theranos}}
| Theranos was a medical technology company founded by {{w|Elizabeth Holmes}} which claimed to have developed revolutionary blood tests that could produce more data from limited volumes of blood than ever before.  They were eventually found to have engaged in fraudulent activity, having tricked investors into thinking their technology was performing better than it actually was or ever could, which resulted in fines for Holmes and Theranos president {{w|Ramesh Balwani}} and the bankruptcy of Theranos. Theranos also sounds similar to {{w|Thanos}}, the main villain of the Infinity Saga in the Marvel Cinematic Universe.
|-
| Lord Juul
| {{w|Juul}} is a brand of e-cigarettes. In addition to the broader controversy surrounding electronic cigarettes, Juul has been investigated for its sale of flavored additives for their cigarettes, which are alleged to be particularly attractive to minors. Juul is reminiscent of the "uu" in the names for clones {{w|Joruus C'baoth}} and {{w|Luuke Skywalker}} in {{w|Star Wars Legends|''Star Wars'' Legends}} stories, thus implying Lord Juul is a clone of a character named Jul. ''{{w|Yule|Jul}}'' is the Scandinavian name for the midwinter holidays, which fits as the comic appeared within the Yule season of 2019.
|-
! colspan="2" | New friend
|-
| Kim Spacemeasurer
| May be a parody of the name {{w|Luke Skywalker}}, one of the main characters in the original trilogy of films.  Other "Nounverber" names in ''Star Wars'' include Starkiller, Luke's original last name which was later applied to Starkiller Base in ''The Force Awakens'', and Biggs Darklighter, Luke's childhood friend and fellow Rebel pilot who died in the attack on the original Death Star. Also note another Star Wars comic posted a few weeks before this one, [[2229: Rey and Kylo]], which shows those characters actually deciding to measure properties of space.
|-
| Teen Yoda
| {{w|The Child (Star Wars character)|The Child}}, commonly called "Baby Yoda" by fans and the media, is a breakout character from the Disney+ series ''{{w|The Mandalorian}}''. Randall envisions a "teenage" version of this character teaming up with the main characters. This may be in analogy to Groot in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, who appeared as an adult, then child, then teen, or other adaptations of original characters like the Teen Titans.
|-
| Dab Tweetdeck
| A {{w|Dab (dance)|dab}} is a dance move which is many decades old but was made popular by that name in the late 2010's.  {{w|TweetDeck}} is an application for managing Twitter accounts.  Taken together, "Dab Tweetdeck" could be a character name proposed by clueless Disney executives to attract "the kids" to see ''The Rise of Skywalker'', although one would think that this name would be heavily promoted and thus not a spoiler in that case.
Tweetdeck sounds similar to twi'lek, one of the humanoid alien races in Star Wars, who often are employed as dancers.
|-
| Yaz Progestin
| Yaz sounds like the first name of {{w|Maz Kanata}}, a supporting protagonist in the sequel trilogy.  Yaz is a medication which contains {{w|Progestin}}, which imitates the effects of {{w|progesterone}}, a female sex hormone.  It is used for purposes including birth control and acne treatment.
|-
| TI-83
| Droids in the Star Wars universe typically have names with letters and numbers, such as R2-D2, C-3PO, BB-8, etc. Randall has created a new character called "TI-83". In real life, the {{w|TI-83}} is a model of graphing calculator manufactured by {{w|Texas Instruments}} that is commonly used in American high schools.  This mirrors the origin of the name "R2-D2", which was inspired when Lucas was working on ''{{w|American Graffiti}}'' and was asked for Reel 2, Dialog Track 2, which was abbreviated "R-2-D-2".  He remarked that it would be a "great name" and included it in his then-in-development script for ''Star Wars''.
|-
! colspan="2" | Lightsaber colors
|-
| [beige/ochre/mauve/aquamarine/taupe]
| These are different colors, none of which is a "traditional" color for a lightsaber. {{w|Beige}} is a pale-grayish yellow. {{w|Ochre}} is a clay earth pigment ranging from yellow to deep orange or brown. {{w|Mauve}} is a pale purple color. A purple color has been used for a lightsaber in the prequel trilogy series, by Jedi Master {{w|Mace Windu}}. {{w|Aquamarine (color)|Aquamarine}} is a blueish green color. {{w|Taupe}} is a dark brown color between brown and gray.
|-
! colspan="2" | Superweapon names
|-
| Sun Obliterator
| There was an Expanded Universe superweapon called the "Sun Crusher", which would infiltrate a star system and shoot a special torpedo into the star to make it go supernova. May also be a reference to one of the doodles from What If?.
|-
| Moonsquisher
| There were no ''Star Wars'' superweapons with the word "Moon" in their title (or "squisher"), but in the no-longer-canon ''New Jedi Order'' series, Chewbacca was squished ''by'' a moon that was intentionally de-orbited by invading Yuuzhan Vong.
|-
| World Eater
| Possibly a reference to {{w|Alduin}}, the main villain of the popular game {{w|The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim}}.  In the Expanded Universe, the Empire used World Devastators, massive machines that would strip-mine planets with tractor beams and make weapons and spacecraft from the extracted resources.  Another possible reference is to the {{w|The Doomsday Machine (Star_Trek: The Original Series)|Planet Eater}} doomsday machine from the original Star Trek series. A further possible reference is to the World Eaters space marine legion from {{w|Warhammer 40,000}} franchise. Or a world eater redstone contraption from Minecraft. Or the boss for the Corruption biome in Terraria. Or Jörmungandr. There are a lot of things that this could be referring to.
|-
| Planet Zester
| A {{w|zester}} is a cooking tool for zesting citrus fruit, that is, scraping off the outer layer of a citrus fruit to obtain the flavorful outer layer of its skin.  Zesting a planet would be devastating to anything built or living on its surface.
|-
| Superconducting supercollider
| A {{w|supercollider}}, or particle accelerator, is a machine used to accelerate charged particles to very high speeds, for testing in particle physics. The {{w|Superconducting Super Collider}} was a proposed accelerator which was to be constructed in Texas, but was cancelled partway through construction.  There has been some minor controversy over the {{w|safety of high-energy particle collision experiments}}, which could theoretically produce black holes, {{w|strangelets}}, or other doomsday scenarios, but all scientific examination of the energies involved has shown that all currently-existing and planned particle accelerators pose no threats.  So far, the Earth has not been destroyed by any particle accelerator.{{Citation needed}}
|-
! colspan="2" |  Station capabilities
|-
| blowing up a planet with a bunch of beams of energy that combine into one
| This is how the {{w|Death Star}} was depicted in ''{{w|Star Wars: A New Hope}}''. Many beams converged together to form one energy beam. The superweapon was used to destroy the planet Alderaan, as a way to intimidate Princess Leia.
|-
| blowing up a bunch of planets with one beam of energy that splits into many
| This is how the superweapon on Starkiller Base was depicted in ''{{w|Star Wars: The Force Awakens}}''. A single energy beam split into several beams, allowing it to attack many planets. The superweapon was used to destroy the planets in the Hosnian system, the headquarters of the New Republic.
|-
| cutting a planet in half and smashing the halves together like two cymbals
| Jango Fett's "seismic charge" weapon, which he used in a dogfight against Obi-Wan Kenobi in ''Attack of the Clones'', produced a plane wave that cut asteroids in half; presumably a larger weapon of this kind could do the same to a planet.
|-
| increasing the CO<sub>2</sub> levels in a planet's atmosphere, causing rapid heating
| This is a reference to {{w|climate change}} currently occurring on planet Earth.  The {{w|Scientific consensus on climate change|overwhelming consensus among climate scientists}} is that this is that this shift is caused by human factors, such as the burning of fossil fuels releasing ancient carbon sources into the air as carbon dioxide, and mass deforestation reducing the number of trees converting the carbon dioxide into sugars and cellulose.  Climate change has been addressed repeatedly by the comic before, including [[164: Playing Devil's Advocate to Win]], [[1321: Cold]], [[1379: 4.5 Degrees]], and [[1732: Earth Temperature Timeline]].
This seems to have occurred on the planet {{w|Venus}}. Venus' atmosphere is 97% carbon dioxide, and it is also the hottest planet in the Solar System, due to a greenhouse effect, preventing the planet from cooling.
|-
| triggering the end credits before the movie is done
| The {{w|closing credits}} or end credits of a film is the list of cast and crew who were involved in the making of the film. It would be quite strange to show the end credits of the film before it has concluded, although it is one of the {{tvtropes|CreditsGag|types of credits gag}} used in other media. This entry is considerably less damaging to a planet{{Citation needed}} than the other 4 entries in this section, but if early audiences are left unsatisfied by the movie, they might tell everyone else not to see it, which would put the ''Star Wars'' franchise in a perilous financial situation.  This would negatively impact the villains as well as the heroes, but they might consider this a worthwhile trade if it is their best option at harming the heroes. This option may be a reference to exploiting a glitch to trigger a [https://youtu.be/Jf9i7MjViCE credit warp] in games such as Super Mario World. This may also be a reference to the Netflix interactive movie "Bandersnatch" in which certain choices triggered the end of the movie and caused it to start the credits.
|-
! colspan="2" | Old enemy/new friend
|-
| {{w|Boba Fett}}
| Boba Fett is a famous bounty hunter introduced in the ''{{w|Star Wars Holiday Special}}'' and made popular by ''{{w|The Empire Strikes Back}}''.  On the Empire's orders, he helped capture Han Solo as part of a plot to capture Luke Skywalker. He later tried to prevent Luke from rescuing Han, but was knocked into a sarlacc pit, where he was presumed eaten.  In the Expanded Universe, he survived and did eventually join the protagonists against extragalactic invaders; his survival has not been confirmed by Disney's new canon, but he would be a plausible character to bring back in ''The Rise of Skywalker''. A Mandalorian (not Boba Fett, but a bounty hunter using body-armour <!-- Boba was 'born' on the ocean-world of Kamino, being an unaccelerated clone of Jango; maybe Jango was and maybe The Mandalorian was from the desert-planet of Mandalore, but that is beyond my inherit knowledge of canon, so right now I'll make this change and let someone else who cares enough about it and has seen Disney+ refine this further--> from the same planet) is featured in the new Disney+ series, ''The Mandalorian''.
|-
| [[wikia:w:c:starwars:Salacious B. Crumb|Salacious Crumb]]
| Salacious B. Crumb is a Kowakian monkey-lizard who was Jabba the Hutt's jester.  He wasn't exactly a major adversary, but he did pull one of C-3PO's eyes out.  He was last seen on Jabba the Hutt's sail barge, which was made to explode after Han, Luke, and the rest of the heroes escaped from it, and is presumed dead.
|-
| [[wikia:w:c:starwars:Exogorth|The Space Slug]]
| In ''The Empire Strikes Back'', Han Solo pilots the Millennium Falcon into a giant cave to evade pursuit and get time to effect repairs.  He is interrupted when the cave turns out to be the mouth of a giant space slug, which the Falcon barely escapes.  A giant space slug might be a powerful ally in a battle against a giant space station.
|-
| The bottom half of {{w|Darth Maul}}
| Darth Maul was cut in half by Obi-Wan Kenobi at the end of ''The Phantom Menace''.  His "upper half", attached to mechanical legs, has returned as a villain in the ''Clone Wars'' TV series and ''{{w|Solo: A Star Wars Story|Solo}}''.  Given that Maul was a Sith and Kenobi a Jedi, who trained Luke, who trained Rey, it would be extremely unexpected for his "bottom half" to join forces with the heroes, although presumably his bottom half would have to be attached to something, which might be better disposed towards Jedi.
If Darth Maul's bottom half did join the heroes, they might aid the heroes by using [[wikia:w:c:starwars:Force kick|force kicks]].
|-
| YouTube commenters
| The sequel trilogy has received more mixed reviews from watchers than Disney might like, and many vocal non-fans have taken to commenting on YouTube (via videos and comments) on what they don't like about the new movies and new characters.  If ''The Rise of Skywalker'' fully wins the crowd, an alliance between the heroes and their former critics would be extremely powerful, but with Rotten Tomatoes showing a critics' aggregate score of [https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/star_wars_the_rise_of_skywalker/ less than 60%] ("rotten"), it's going to be an uphill battle.
|-
! colspan="2" | Battle feature
|-
| a bow that shoots little lightsaber-headed arrows
| May be a reference to the [[wikia:w:c:starwars:Bowcaster|bowcaster]], a laser crossbow weapon used by the Wookie {{w|Chewbacca}}. It is unclear if the lightsaber-headed arrows are actually lightsabers in itself, as they would seem difficult to produce (as opposed to the Death Star, or even a bunch of sword versions of the arrow).
|-
| X-Wings and TIE fighters dodging the giant letters of the opening crawl
| The {{w|Star Wars opening crawl|"opening crawl"}} is a signature motif used in all the main Star Wars films, to explain the backstory and context of each film. {{w|X-Wing}}s and {{w|TIE fighter}}s are fighter-type spaceships used by the Rebels (and Resistance later on) and the Empire (and First Order), respectively. A dogfight scene during the opening crawl would involve {{w|Fourth wall|breaking the fourth wall}}, as the opening crawl is not presumed to be part of the universe of the films (except when so parodied, such as in {{w|Airplane II: The Sequel}}).
|-
| a Sith educational display that uses Force lightning to demonstrate the dielectric breakdown of air
| [[wikia:w:c:starwars:Force lightning|Force lightning]] is a power that Force users can use to generate electric energy from the user's hands. It was first used in ''Return of the Jedi'' by Emperor Palpatine (Darth Sidious) when Luke Skywalker refuses to give in to the dark side of the Force. Palpatine attempts to kill Luke with Force lightning, but Darth Vader saves Luke by throwing Palpatine down a reactor chute.  Palpatine also used Force Lightning on Mace Windu and Yoda during their battles at the end of ''Revenge of the Sith''.  None of these uses of Sith lightning were intended to be educational on the nature of {{w|lightning}}, although they could have been very educational on the pain, cruelty, and "unlimited power!" offered by the Dark Side of the Force. This might also be a reference to [[wikia:w:c:starwars:Sith holocron|Sith holocron]] — a device to store Force-related information and secrets, possibly. Possibly also a reference to [[2229: Rey and Kylo]] 
|-
| Kylo Ren putting on another helmet over his smaller one
| Kylo Ren is famous for wearing his helmet in ''The Force Awakens'', which he styled after Darth Vader's helmet.  Putting on another helmet over it would require a comically large helmet that might be compared to Dark Helmet, a character from the parody film ''{{w|Spaceballs}}'' who parodies Darth Vader.
|-
| a Sith car wash where the bristles on the brushes are little lightsabers
| This may be a reference to some reactions to Kylo Ren's "lightcrossguards".  In-universe, his lightsaber is said to contain a Kyber crystal of unusual power and instability, which produces excess energy that must be vented through side channels.  However, many watchers found it ridiculous to present a lightsaber that appeared to have little lightsabers sticking out of it, and produced [https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/crossguard-lightsaber fanart] accordingly.
While an unexpected car wash finale scene seems unlikely, it is not without precedent in cinema; ''{{w|Adolescence of Utena}}'' featured the title character unexpectedly entering a car wash and transforming into a car (followed by a segue into a car race sequence). 
George Lucas, the originator of Star Wars also wrote the movie "American Graffiti," which featured cars prominently.  A subsequent movie "Car Wash," has been seen as a commentary on or imitation of "American Graffiti."  Including a Sith car wash might reference the relation between these two films.[https://www.nytimes.com/2019/01/25/movies/streaming-car-wash.html ‘Car Wash,’ a Raunchy 1970s Comedy Brimming With Meta and Mayhem].
|-
! colspan="2" | Rey's parent #1
|-
| {{w|Luke Skywalker|Luke}} 
| Luke Skywalker is the main character of the original Star Wars films.  Of all of the characters presented here, he is the one with the greatest likelihood of being Rey's father.  When Maz gave Rey Luke's lightsaber, she said "[t]hat lightsaber was Luke's, and his father's before him, and now, it calls to you."  Luke does not seem to recognize Rey as his child (or as anybody in particular), but Darth Vader did not recognize Luke or Leia as his children -- and indeed did not know that he had any living children -- until they were grown.  However, unlike Anakin Skywalker, or the Luke Skywalker from the pre-Disney Expanded Universe, no canon materials have presented anyone with whom Luke has fallen in love or fathered a child.
|-
| {{w|Princess Leia|Leia}} and {{w|Han Solo|Han}}
| Princess Leia and Han Solo are the other main characters of the original Star Wars films. It is unlikely that Leia or Han are Rey's parents as they did not seem to recognize Rey in any of the sequel trilogy films, nor is there any indication that they have had more than one child (Ben Solo, AKA Kylo Ren).
|-
| {{w|Obi-Wan Kenobi|Obi-Wan}}
| Obi-Wan Kenobi was one of the main characters in the Star Wars prequel trilogy. He, along with Qui-Gon Jinn, discovered Anakin Skywalker, who later became Darth Vader. Kenobi dies at the second act of ''Star Wars: A New Hope'', sacrificing himself to allow Luke, Leia, and Han to escape the Death Star.  Marriage and parenthood were forbidden by the Jedi Order, and Obi-Wan generally adhered to the Order's rules more closely than Anakin did; Obi-Wan did feel some mutual romantic attraction with Duchess Satine of Mandalore, but they both chose to remain in their respective organizations rather than pursue a relationship.  Also, Obi-Wan stopped having a physical form decade before Rey was conceived.
|-
| a random junk trader
| This is who Kylo Ren claims that Rey is descended from: worthless, random junk traders.
|-
! colspan="2" | Rey's parent #2
|-
| {{w|Poe Dameron|Poe}}
| Poe Dameron is one of the main characters of the Star Wars sequel trilogy. He is a pilot in the Resistance.  He is only 13 years older than Rey, and thus is most likely not her father.
|-
| {{w|BB-8}}
| BB-8 is an astromech droid owned by Poe Dameron. It is unlikely that Rey is descended from a (non-living) droid, [https://youtu.be/aanyjLmB1Bs?t=1810 Alan Dean Foster's treatment of Episode IX aside].
|-
| [ {{w|Amilyn Holdo}} /{{w|Laura Dern}}]
| Vice Admiral Amilyn Holdo, portrayed by Laura Dern, was a leader in the Resistance. She dies at the end of ''The Last Jedi'', sacrificing herself by jumping to light speed straight into the First Order's pursuing starship.  Randall presents both Admiral Holdo, the character, and Laura Dern, the actress, as separate options for Rey's mother, but the former is not supported by any story material and the latter is impossible (Dern is alive here and now, not "a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away").
|-
| a random junk trader
| (see above)
|-
| that one droid from the Jawa Sandcrawler that says ''Gonk''
| This is [[wikia:w:c:starwars:GNK power droid|a droid]] from ''Star Wars: A New Hope'' that says "Gonk". As in the BB-8 entry, it is unlikely that Rey is descended from a droid.
|-
|}

Following the release of ''The Rise of Skywalker'', we can conclude that the correct version of the spoiler would read as follows:

In this Star Wars movie, our heroes return to take on the First Order and new villain... '''Darth Sidious''' (i.e. Emperor Palpatine, who is said to have "somehow" returned) ...with help from their new friend... '''D-O''' (a droid who turns out to have vital information).  Rey builds a new lightsaber with a... '''yellow''' blade (although this blade is not actually completed until the end of the movie), and they head out to confront the First Order's new superweapon, the... '''Final Order''' ...a ''fleet of spacecraft'' capable of... '''blowing up a bunch of planets with a bunch of beams of energy''' (one from each Star Destroyer).  They unexpectedly join forces with their old enemy... '''General Armitage Hux and Kylo Ren/Ben Solo''' ...and destroy the superweapon in a battle featuring... '''a storm of Force lightning'''.  P.S. Rey's parents are... '''a random junk trader''' ...and... '''a random junk trader, who is a clone-son of Emperor Palpatine'''.

==Transcript==
:<big>Star Wars Spoiler Generator</big>

:[Shown below is a branching flowchart of sorts that begins at the phrase "In this Star Wars movie, our heroes return to take on the First Order and new villain...", then flows through various paths to build up a story.]

:In this Star Wars movie, our heroes return to take on the First Order and new villain...
::Kyle Ren
::Malloc
::Darth Sebelius
::Theranos
::Lord Juul

:...with help from their new friend...
::Kim Spacemeasurer
::Teen Yoda
::Dab Tweetdeck
::Yaz Progestin
::TI-83

:Rey builds a new lightsaber with a...
::beige
::ochre
::mauve
::aquamarine
::taupe

:...blade, and they head out to confront the First Order's new superweapon, the...
::Sun Obliterator
::Moonsquisher
::World Eater
::Planet Zester
::Superconducting Supercollider

:...a space station capable of...
::blowing up a planet with a bunch of beams of energy that combine into one
::blowing up a bunch of planets with one beam of energy that splits into many
::cutting a planet in half and smashing the halves together like two cymbals
::increasing the CO<sub>2</sub> levels in a planet's atmosphere, causing rapid heating
::triggering the end credits before the movie is done

:They unexpectedly join forces with their old enemy...
::Boba Fett
::Salacious Crumb
::The Space Slug
::the bottom half of Darth Maul
::Youtube commenters

:...and destroy the superweapon in a battle featuring
::a bow that shoots little lightsaber-headed arrows
::X-Wings and TIE fighters dodging the giant letters of the opening crawl
::a Sith educational display that uses Force Lightning to demonstrate the dielectric breakdown of air
::Kylo Ren putting on another helmet over his smaller one
::a Sith car wash where the bristles on the brushes are little lightsabers

:P.S. Rey's parents are...
::Luke
::Leia
::Han
::Obi-Wan
::a random junk trader

:...and...
::Poe
::BB-8
::Amilyn Holdo
::Laura Dern
::a random junk trader
::that one droid from the Jawa Sandcrawler that says ''Gonk''

{{comic discussion}}
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[[Category:Charts]]
[[Category:Star Wars]]
[[Category:Comics featuring real people]] <!-- Laura Dern -->
[[Category:Programming]] <!-- malloc -->