The title text says that the machine now scans things before trying to destroy them. Previously the machine destroyed documents then tried to reconstruct them into a scan which takes a large amount of processing power.
These are plausible functions that an all-in-one printer could do (though most printers do not have a shred function).
Other could be plausible result of use (though not normally by design).
Is the title text a reference the Librareome project in Rainbow's End (Vernor Vinge)?
See, e.g., 
--18.104.22.168 18:06, 7 October 2020 (UTC)
I wonder if Randall took inspiration from [this Dilbert](https://dilbert.com/strip/1994-04-25). Moosenonny10 (talk) 18:52, 7 October 2020 (UTC)
I don't think "eat" and "corrugate" are intended as malfunctions. People sometimes eat paper -- it's a common trope in spy parodies where someone will eat a document to prevent someone from getting access to it. And corrugate just sounds like it's making corrugated cardboard from the input paper. Barmar (talk) 19:22, 7 October 2020 (UTC)
- I changed it. What do you think? welp, i Donthaveusername (talk) 19:37, 7 October 2020 (UTC)
- I made you a document but I eated it... 22.214.171.124 08:13, 3 November 2020 (UTC)
Seems like plagiarize would be somehow related to scan and copy.
- I imagine the internal sub-functions would be: Scan (or read from prepocessed page data from an original document 'sent to printer'), OCR (as necessary - implied in Translate but not mentioned as a function, despite being an actually popular 'one touch' function with appropriate desktop software involved), Comprehend (natural-language processing), De-Source (remove references that indicate the true source, including headers, watermarks, logos), Re-Arrange (optional shuffling/re-wording in places, maybe even synonyms), Re-Source (personalise back up again, for the plagiarist's benefit), then Print (if scan-for-copy/printed) or Save (if scan-for-storage, maybe even 'print'-to-storage via the device). 126.96.36.199 00:21, 8 October 2020 (UTC)
- plagiarize seems to be related to summarize. I'd envision the same logic which extracts the meaning from a document to create the summary would take that same meaning and insert it into another document (presumably the user's document).
shred and scan (or scanf) are also unix and C functions. Shred overwrites a file on disk, deleting it and preventing any subsequent recovery of the lost data. scan reads input according to a format string. Should one take a standard file and scan a string per the format '%s', the program will read in the variable until an end-of-line character is encountered. If the file were shredded first, resulting in a random set of bits, this end of line character might never be read. This seems to be more of a memory problem than a CPU problem, thus might not be the full explanation of the alt-text. --188.8.131.52 21:10, 7 October 2020 (UTC)
Potentially related fun fact: in the olden days when copiers are slow and generates a lot of heat (the copies would actually be warm to touch), the "copy" function is often referred to as "burn". This is why making CD copies etc. later also used the term "burn". I read somewhere about an IBM intern setting an important document on fire when he was asked to "burn a copy", but can't find the source anymore. 184.108.40.206 22:45, 8 October 2020 (UTC)
The incomplete template mentions that there might be a reason for Randall making this topic, but I don't think there is other than just making a funny joke. 220.127.116.11 22:42, 7 October 2020 (UTC)
What, it can fold but not spindle or mutilate? :( 18.104.22.168 23:14, 7 October 2020 (UTC)
Is staple removal a real printer feature? BunsenH (talk) 23:17, 7 October 2020 (UTC)
- Doubt it. 22.214.171.124 23:39, 7 October 2020 (UTC)
- Staple-detection is (fairly) trivial, but consistently extracting them 'nicely' while preserving the paper as much as possible might be beyond a device (it's tricky enough for a person, sometimes). 126.96.36.199 23:51, 7 October 2020 (UTC)
- It's not beyond a staple remover. 188.8.131.52 00:52, 8 October 2020 (UTC)
- Even for a staple remover, it's sometimes not a trivial task, sometimes requiring some "intelligence". I don't think this feature is available in off-the-shelf tech. BunsenH (talk) 01:25, 8 October 2020 (UTC)
- Back in the 1990s you could buy industrial staple removers which sensed and cut parallel to the paper face, with cutting surfaces that open and move up under the first ten pages or so. Maybe one in 20 times they would mangle the paper. 184.108.40.206 13:33, 8 October 2020 (UTC)
I'm disappointed there's no "jam for no particular reason in the most difficult place to access" option. 220.127.116.11 23:18, 7 October 2020 (UTC)
- I thought there should be Paper Cranes in the right-hand column... But your suggestion is also an obvious omission. 18.104.22.168 23:51, 7 October 2020 (UTC)
Regarding the "possibility that this printer is a complex computer": most printers are. Any printer which can process postscript OR is connected to network obviously contains computer more powerful than first IBM PCs, not speaking about the computer used in Apollo. -- Hkmaly (talk) 00:35, 8 October 2020 (UTC)
- Well, it's more complex now. 22.214.171.124 00:53, 8 October 2020 (UTC)
Is it just me or is this printer not as absurd as the normal XKCD devices (like the phone)? I mean, this printer has no _really_ absurd features... You could say that this printer is almost sane. Elektrizikekswerk (talk) 10:48, 8 October 2020 (UTC)
- Agreed. The most questionable "Crumple and throw at trash like a basketball" feature, while making no sense in a printing context, is perfectly sensible in a scan or feed-through mode and may be useful for those with with bad aim, a distant trash can, and a close printer. Staple removal can probably be done reliably with AI these days. Origami features could be useful in party context. Plagiarism and summarization are 100% useful and doable by GPT-3, even better than an average human would do. Translate would be wonderful, but needs a year or 2 more before we can automate it well. 126.96.36.199
I wonder what would happen if you used the Paper Airplane and Origami Flower settings together. 188.8.131.52 17:26, 8 October 2020 (UTC)
Could those strips that are fun to tear be comb binding instead of tractor feed strips? EHusmark (talk) 08:26, 9 October 2020 (UTC)
Notebooks with spiral binding and blank pages can have TWO 'fun-to-tear' actions. The first is the act of tearing the page from the spiral leaving the lumpy, ragged edge. The second is the neat perforations that are seperated to leave the paper at its final width. These Are Not The Comments You Are Looking For (talk) 00:34, 11 October 2020 (UTC)
Well, I for one am horrified by a lack of "Laminate" function. Despite that, I'd like to order one. It will need to be a UK edition, running on 240V and fitted with a fused three-pin plug...although having said that, I'm sure I could live with having to use an adaptor, and I'm old enough to know how to wire a plug. I'm afraid I'd need to insist on the correct spelling of "Aeroplane" though.Yorkshire Pudding (talk) 14:15, 9 October 2020 (UTC)
Multi-function machines in pairs
I used to work for a temporary services company. At a tech-company, I noticed several instances where there were two multi-function machines close to each other. I asked about that. I was told company security policy forbade having a copier connected to a communications line. So, one machine was used only for copying. The other machine was used as a fax machine. The security police came about because, in the past, some people trying to copy company confidential pages sometimes mistakenly faxed them. 184.108.40.206 01:00, 8 October 2020 (UTC)
I added "(selected)" to all items that are highlighted in green, for the benefit of readers who can't see the green highlight. While one may argue that such readers could refer to the transcript, which has the text "(lit green)," there is no reason to force readers to scroll back and forth between the explanation and transcript sections to discover this, and it would be onerous for those using a screen reader to listen to the page multiple times. Thisisnotatest (talk) 08:29, 8 October 2020 (UTC)
- I like that. It was neither green nor annotated when I was last here and I think both elements are nice touches, I'd like you and the greening editor to each know. (I changed "lighted" to "lit" in the transcript version, and it seems nobody has reverted that yet, which was always possible. I'd considered "illuminated", but "selected" is a good one if there remain any future objections.) 220.127.116.11 09:15, 8 October 2020 (UTC)
Does "fold paper airplane" really need 2 links to the same thing? I think the first link should be removed <shruggie>--18.104.22.168 13:02, 8 October 2020 (UTC)Bumpf
Done. Goodbye, world! (talk) 02:02, 9 October 2020 (UTC)
Example for the "fold airplane" function
I'm not sure if it's worth mentioning in the article, but Gaston Lagaffe once created a device with this function.