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Location Reviews
Google and Yelp keep deleting my scathing reviews of the Mariana Trench, the Chernobyl reactor core, the jet stream, and the equator.
Title text: Google and Yelp keep deleting my scathing reviews of the Mariana Trench, the Chernobyl reactor core, the jet stream, and the equator.


Ambox notice.png This explanation may be incomplete or incorrect: PLEASE DO NOT REMOVE THIS TAG TOO FAST!!! And write here what's missing!

Many online advertising services and social media networks (most famously Facebook, Yelp, and Google Reviews) allow users to leave reviews of stores and businesses. For various reasons these sites often find themselves with pages dedicated to, as Randal puts it, "places that really don't need reviews" such as municipal works installations, government property, and natural landmarks. This naturally attracts both clueless people and lots of self-styled comedians leaving less-than-helpful comments on such review pages. Randall is just poking fun at this phenomenon.

While Canyon River Nuclear Launch Facility appears not to exist, the places he lists in the title text certainly do, and are places that you either cannot or would not normally visit as destinations.


Review Explanation
Greatest country on earth A patriotic review, though provides no information on the actual nuclear site.
Looks cool but you can't get in This reviewer, although initially positive, attempts to highlight what they perceive as a major flaw with the site: namely, that it is off-limits to unauthorized personnel and heavily-guarded, so it's impossible to actually go inside.
What is this store Reviewer really, really has no idea what this facility actually is, mistaking it for a store.
My cousin worked here If true, this review is a serious security risk (e.g. kidnapping the reviewer to extort information from his cousin). The comment may also just be a way for the reviewer to pretend he knows someone who works in the higher levels of the government.
Waitstaff heavily armed and very rude This review mistakes the facility's security guards for a restaurant's waitstaff. Since the guards are protecting some of the most dangerous weapons in existence, and would not let unknown outsiders into the facility, it follows that the guards would be heavily armed, and quite rude to those who sought entry without proper permission.
Stop doing chemtrails This reviewer believes in the chemtrail conspiracy theory and is urging the government to cease spreading the chemtrails.
This place is a symptom of the military-industrial complex strangling our democracy and...(read full review-1184 words) A slightly tongue-in-cheek reference to essays against 'The Military-Industrial complex' and how they are often copy-pasted by people who don't really understand them in inappropriate places.
Anyone else notice the hole in the west fence? The adventurer's travel guide to government installations... Posting a comment like this would (at best) bring the hole to the attention of the site staff to be repaired and (at worst) bring the writer unwelcome attention from the authorities for publicizing a security vulnerability at a missile site. This might also be a reference to Richard Feynman's account of finding a hole in the fence surrounding the Los Alamos facility during the Manhattan Project.
Whoa, missiles! The writer is impressed and apparently surprised to discover that the site has missiles. This may also be a reference to the "Whoa, technology!" meme, which originated when YandereDev, a Youtuber, uttered the phrase in one of his videos.
Good idea but confusing web site. How do I preorder? This reviewer thinks that one can order a nuclear missile launch here, but can't find a preorder form on the website. In reality, the decision to launch nuclear missiles often rests with the heads of state or government, and outside persons are not usually[citation needed] allowed to control them.
Please don't launch these A plea to the facility owners not to launch the nuclear missiles, due to their deleterious effects on human life.


[A location map with a red pin stuck in a large gray region is shown. A river goes from north through the gray region to the west. East and south of the river some roads and other items are shown.]
[Below the map:]
Canyon River Nuclear
Launch Facility
[Within a line from left to right:] Reviews (22)
[5/5 stars] Greatest country on earth
[2/5 stars] Looks cool but you can't get in
[1/5 stars] What is this store
[4/5 stars] My cousin worked here
[2/5 stars] Waitstaff heavily armed and very rude
[1/5 stars] Stop doing chemtrails
[1/5 stars] This place is a symptom of the military-industrial complex strangling our democracy and...(read full review-1184 words)
[4/5 stars] Anyone else notice the hole in the west fence?
[5/5 stars] Whoa, missiles!
[3/5 stars] Good idea but confusing web site. How do I preorder?
[1/5 stars] Please don't launch these
[Caption below the frame:]
I love finding reviews of places that
really don't need to have reviews.

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