Editing 1625: Substitutions 2

{{comic
| number    = 1625
| date      = January 4, 2016
| title     = Substitutions 2
| image     = substitutions_2.png
| titletext = Within a few minutes, our roads will be full of uncontrollably-swerving cars and our skies full of Amazon delivery dogs.
}}

==Explanation==
This is the second comic in the [[:Category:Substitution series|Substitution series]] where [[Randall]] has suggested substitutions that will make reading the news more fun. But there have been several [[:Category:Substitutions|comics using substitutions]] both before and after these ones.

The series as of 2016:
*[[1288: Substitutions]] 
*[[1625: Substitutions 2]]
*[[1679: Substitutions 3]]

In this table, [[Randall]] suggests substituting several common phrases in generic news with similar or related phrases that mean something different for comical effect. Some of the replacements are {{w|synonyms}}, some are {{w|antonyms}} and some are plain different concepts; and, even though they would (most of the time) make a grammatically correct sentence, the resulting idea would, however, often sound absurd or bizarre.

Some of the examples might, also, mock the fact that many news contradict the actual facts or obvious results of a situation. For example, "[influential person] vows to do good to the world" would be replaced with a more usual fact "[influential person] probably won't do good to the world" - see [[#Example of sentences|example]] below with North Korean leader.

The title text is an example of how the closing sentence of a given article or report might sound after using the substitutions in the comic.
:Before substitutions: Within a few '''years''', our roads will be full of '''self-driving''' cars and our skies full of Amazon delivery '''drones'''.
:After substitutions: Within a few '''minutes''', our roads will be full of '''uncontrollably-swerving''' cars and our skies full of Amazon delivery '''dogs'''.
The flying dogs could be a reference to [[1614: Kites]]. Was the first of two in a row where Amazon is mentioned in the title text (next [[1626: Judgment Day]]).

===Table of substitutions===
*In this table the difference between the original and the substituted word (and the change to the sentences) will be explained.
**[[#Example of sentences|Example of sentences]] are given below.
:{| class="wikitable"
! Original
! Substitution
! Explanation 
|-
| {{w|Debate}}
| [https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/dance-off Dance-off]
| A 'debate' is often used between political candidates, to give the voters a chance to decide who they will vote for. One of the candidates is often called the winner of such a debate by some degree or other of consensus. Randall is indicating that they could just as well have performed a 'dance-off' where they would dance until one of them danced better than the other, as adjudged by the viewing crowd or a panel of judges. Such a dance-off is often seen in [http://gameshows.wikia.com/wiki/Family_Dance_Off TV-shows] or [http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3024964/combined films] etc.
|-
| {{w|Autonomous car|Self driving}}
| Uncontrollably [https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/swerving swerving]
| 'Self driving' cars were also mentioned in [[1623: 2016 Conversation Guide]], just two comics before this one where it was stated that they would come surprisingly soon (within a few minutes according to the substitutions suggested here). Self-driving cars were still in their adolescence when this comic was written, and Randall pokes fun with the mental image of self-driving cars running completely out of control and swerving dangerously out of their lanes. Self-driving cars is a [[:Category:Self-driving cars|recurring topic]] on xkcd.
|-
| {{w|Poll}}
| {{w|Psychic reading}}
| A 'poll', especially regarding political issues, refers to {{w|opinion poll|opinion}} or {{w|exit poll|exit}} polls. These tend to ask a carefully selected sample (for either balance or an intended ''inbalance'', depending on the poll's neutrality) their opinions in order to extrapolate the global consensus, e.g. the future result of an {{w|election}}. This substitution is Randall's way of saying that they could just as well have used a {{w|psychic}} person to predict the result. This would likely be viewed as a mockery by the skeptic xkcd readership, with psychics having a reputation of either responding with vague guesses or providing an answer that pleases those asking the question. Randall may believe polls are like that.
|-
| {{w|Candidate}}
| {{w|Airbender}}
| A 'candidate' usually refers to a political person who represents a certain political party in an election. He would then be that party's candidate, for instance for a presidential election. 'Airbender' refers to the show {{w|Avatar: The Last Airbender}}, where there are magical martial-artists mostly identified as waterbenders, earthbenders, firebenders and airbenders<!-- clarification: the ur-powed of energybending is more than just all four elements together in the 'normal' avatar-level panspeciality mode, implying possibility of more sub-bending classes; plus Toph's development of metalbending goes beyond hyperspecialised earthbending to an arguable fifth 'element'-class, by the time of Kuvira; thus both canon and fanon *may* admit to more, even before 965:Elements puts an xkcd-spin on it, which it doesn't hurt to allow for -->, depending upon which 'element' their abilities have power over.
|-
| {{w|Unmanned aerial vehicle|Drone}}
| {{w|Dog}}
| Could refer to {{w|Drone (bee)|male bees}} or {{w|Drone (sound)|drone music}}, but as used in the title text it refers to unmanned aerial vehicles. {{w|Amazon.com|Amazon}} was hoping to use small drones to deliver parcels, and Randall has referred to these before (see [[1523: Microdrones]]). In the 2010s, drones were popularized as toys and professional camera platform, but the term also became closely associated with military drones that observe (and, more recently, kill) enemy forces without risking any military personnel. Replacing this word with "dog" might make reports of drone implementations more pleasant and cute.
|-
| {{w|Vows}} to
| [https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/probably Probably] won't
| Vowing to do something means that you really promise to do this. But when politicians vow something, for instance, it seems to often end up becoming a forgotten promise. Hence the antonym substitution which means the opposite. From ''really will'' to ''probably won't''.
|-
| {{w|Fugitive#Terminology|At large}} (or {{w|At-large}})
| Very [https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/large large]
| A criminal that is on the run is said to be at large (no hyphen). At-large (with hyphen) is a political designation for members of a governing body who are elected or appointed to represent the whole membership of the body, rather than a subset of that membership. Neither of these have anything to do with the physical size or "largeness" of the subject.
|-
| [https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/successfully Successfully]
| [https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/suddenly Suddenly]
| The two words have nothing much to do with each other except that they both begin with ''su'' and they are both adverbs. This change would make entrepreneurial endeavours, military victories and record achievements sound like unintended, spontaneous surprises.
|-
| [https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/expand Expands]
| [https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/physical Physically] expands
| 'Expands' can refer to a physical expansion, or inflation, but in news reports it is often used more abstractly to refer to the growth of political power, project reach, budgets, etc. It often makes little sense to physically expand these abstract things, but it can sometimes produce an amusing visual. Incidentally, if iterated, this substitution would result in an infinite string of of "physically"s prior to any "expand."
|-
| {{w|First degree|First }} /{{w|second degree|second }} /{{w|third degree|third-degree}}
| [http://da.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Friggin Friggin'] awful
| First, second and third-degree can be used in many context. {{w|Burn}}s {{w|Burn#Signs_and_symptoms|range from first to fourth degree}}, where higher is worse. {{w|Murder}} charges also range in from first to third degree in the US; here first-degree murder is the worst. Regardless, all these things are "friggin' awful" to experience, ''frigging'' being a {{w|minced oath}} on ''fucking'' (see [https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/frigging#English Wiktionary]). First and second degree are also used in the context of {{w|undergraduate degree}}s, which is less bad.
|-
| An [https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/unknown unknown] number
| Like {{w|100 (number)|hundreds}}
| In the news, an unknown number mostly means 'probably not zero.'  It is often used in phrases like "an unknown number of assailants broke into a house in Munroe Heights," or "an unknown number of people are missing" after a calamity of some sort. "Like hundreds" does give a different flavor.
|-
| {{w|Front-runner |Front runner}}
| {{w|Blade Runner}}
| In American politics, a 'front-runner' is a leader in an electoral race. It can also mean the front-runner in athletic events (the namesake of the political concept). Here it is generally clear who the front-runner is, whilst the political front-runner is sometimes less clear or a more subjective viewpoint. A 'blade runner' is a person who retires (kills) rogue cyborgs in the movie Blade Runner, where {{w|Harrison Ford}} plays the lead Blade Runner.
|-
| {{w|Globe|Global}}
| {{w|Spherical}}
| ''Global'' typically refers to events or processes relevant to the entire planet Earth, such as {{w|global warming}} or {{w|World war|global warfare}}. Since a globe is any spherical object, this substitution makes more sense than most, although talking about "the effect of spherical warming" would probably not get {{w|Greenpeace}} into action. Reports of a spherical virus outbreak might be confusing.
|- 
| {{w|Years}}
| {{w|Minute|Minutes}}
| Changing the units drastically from years to minutes would make many sentences silly, as there are 525,600 minutes in the typical year. Prisoners could be convicted to 10 minutes in jail, and major climate goals will be reached (or breached) in 20 minutes.
|-
| {{w|Minute|Minutes}}
| {{w|Years}}
| Same as above but reversed: a racecar might make a trip around a track in just 7 years. One lesson at school lasted 50 years.
|-
| No {{w|Indication| indication}}
| Lots of {{w|Sign (disambiguation)|signs}}
| In science, a verdict of there being "no indication" that a hypothesis is correct does not disprove that hypothesis, it merely does not support it. This is often seized upon by those trying to promote a pseudoscience, in that their chosen idea "has not been proven to be wrong." Meanwhile, hearsay and bad experimental practices are often cited as "proof". A crackpot idea may thus be unsupported by valid science (there is "no indication" of its truth) and yet its supporters insist upon there being "lots of signs" that it is true, selectively using only ambiguous results that (to them) lend credence to it being a fact. The substitution of "no indication" with "lots of signs" thus automatically converts the expected conservative and cautious stance on some disputed issue or other into the weasel-words phrasing that the issue's supporters may start using in their own propaganda.
|-
| [https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/urge Urged]{{w|Self-control|restraint}} by
| {{w|Alcohol intoxication|Drunkenly}} [https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/egg_on egged on]
| If someone urges someone else to restrain themselves, then they are trying to make them exercise self-control and discourage them from starting or continuing a possibly foolish act. In this substitution we have the exact opposite, as to egg someone on to do something is actively encourage an act to happen, or continue. Urging restraint can sometimes have an encouraging effect, be it when an adolescent want to prove their courage, or when an organization loathes a government.
|-
| {{w|Horsepower}}
| {{w|Ton|Tons}} of {{w|horsemeat}}
| Cars power is measured in horsepower (hp), a typical family car having like hundred hp, being derived from the nominal amount of power that a suitably-harnessed horse could have provided. In cars, this has nothing to do with horse meat, of any quantity, but here a mechanical (or electrical) engine is envisaged as a literally horse-powered device.
|}

===Example of sentences===
*Here follows some real examples with links to the news/text:
**Words from the list, and the replacement words, are highlighted with '''bold''' font.
**All words are included at least once, and the list is sort of sorted after the order the words appear in the comic, but most sentences have more than one word from the list, on purpose!

*[http://observer.com/2015/12/fifth-republican-debate-where-each-candidate-excelled-and-faltered/ Original sentence]: Fifth Republican '''debate''': where each '''candidate''' excelled and faltered
:Modified sentence: Fifth Republican '''dance-off''': where each '''airbender''' excelled and faltered

*[http://www.motorauthority.com/news/1101667_1000-horsepower-self-driving-electric-faraday-future-concept-leaked Original sentence]: 1,000-'''Horsepower''' '''Self-Driving''' Electric Faraday Future Concept Leaked?
:Modified sentence: 1,000-'''Tons of Horsemeat''' '''Uncontrollably Swerving''' Electric Faraday Future Concept Leaked?

*[http://www.breitbart.com/big-government/2015/12/18/poll-donald-trump-remains-clear-gop-frontrunner-cnn-debate/ Original sentence]: A new Morning Consult '''poll''' shows real estate mogul Donald Trump remains on top as the GOP '''frontrunner''' following Tuesday’s '''debate'''.
:Modified sentence: A new Morning Consult '''psychic reading''' shows real estate mogul Donald Trump remains on top as the GOP '''blade runner''' following Tuesday’s '''dance-off'''.

*[http://www.japantimes.co.jp/news/2016/01/01/asia-pacific/new-years-address-north-koreas-kim-vows-raise-living-standards/#.VouQZvnhBlZ Original sentence]: North Korea’s Kim '''vows to''' raise living standards
:Modified sentence: North Korea’s Kim '''probably won't''' raise living standards

*[http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3180163/Murderers-rapists-1-153-criminals-large-recalled-prison-30-years.html Original sentence]: Murderers and rapists among 1,153 criminals still '''at large''' after being recalled to prison over the last 30 '''years'''
:Modified sentence: Murderers and rapists among 1,153 criminals still '''very large''' after being recalled to prison over the last 30 '''minutes'''

*[http://www.dawn.com/news/1169341 Original sentence]:  Pakistan '''successfully''' tests first indigenous armed '''drone'''
:Modified sentence:  Pakistan '''suddenly''' tests first indigenous armed '''dog'''

*[http://www.wsj.com/articles/obama-expands-gun-controls-in-executive-moves-1452012973 Original sentence]:  Obama '''Expands''' Gun Controls in Executive Moves
:Modified sentence: Obama '''Physically Expands''' Gun Controls in Executive Moves

*[http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3578054/ Original sentence]: There was '''no indication''' of '''first degree''' familial relationships in the analyzed dataset.
:Modified sentence: There was '''lots of signs''' of '''friggin' awful''' familial relationships in the analyzed dataset
*[http://www.thehindu.com/thehindu/2003/06/22/stories/2003062202101200.htm Original sentence]:  …rescue crews continued to collect bodies and interview survivors, including '''an unknown number''' of wounded languishing in homes and hospitals with '''third degree''' burns
:Modified sentence: …rescue crews continued to collect bodies and interview survivors, including '''like hundreds''' of wounded languishing in homes and hospitals with '''friggin' awful''' burns

*[http://edition.cnn.com/2015/12/09/politics/azealia-banks-donald-trump-idiot/ Original sentence]: The Republican presidential '''front-runner''' faces a '''global''' firestorm
:Modified sentence: The Republican presidential '''blade runner''' faces a '''spherical''' firestorm

*[http://www.reuters.com/article/us-georgia-ossetia-obama-idUSWBT00953020080808 Original sentence]: U.S. presidential '''candidate''' Barack Obama on Friday '''urged restraint by''' both Russia and Georgia in the conflict over the breakaway region of South Ossetia in Georgia.
:Modified sentence: U.S. presidential '''airbender''' Barack Obama on Friday '''drunkenly egged on''' both Russia and Georgia in the conflict over the breakaway region of South Ossetia in Georgia.

*[http://phors.locost7.info/phors06.htm Original sentence]: Video: 52-'''Horsepower''' Citroen AX Laps Nurburgring In Under 10 '''Minutes'''
:Modified sentence: Video: 52-'''Tons of horsemeat''' Citroen AX Laps Nurburgring In Under 10 '''Years'''

==Transcript==
:[Caption above the panel:]
:More 
:'''Substitutions'''
:That make reading the news more fun

:[A table of words/sentences on the left that change in to those on the left. Between each set of words there is a gray arrow pointing from right.]
:{|
|-
| style="text-align:right;" | Debate
| <font color="gray">➜</font>
| Dance-off
|-
| style="text-align:right;" | Self driving
| <font color="gray">➜</font>
| Uncontrollably swerving
|-
| style="text-align:right;" | Poll
| <font color="gray">➜</font>
| Psychic reading
|-
| style="text-align:right;" | Candidate
| <font color="gray">➜</font>
| Airbender
|-
| style="text-align:right;" | Drone
| <font color="gray">➜</font>
| Dog
|-
| style="text-align:right;" | Vows to
| <font color="gray">➜</font>
| Probably won't
|-
| style="text-align:right;" | At large
| <font color="gray">➜</font>
| Very large
|-
| style="text-align:right;" | Successfully
| <font color="gray">➜</font>
| Suddenly
|-
| style="text-align:right;" | Expands
| <font color="gray">➜</font>
| Physically expands
|-
| style="text-align:right;" | First/second/third-degree
| <font color="gray">➜</font>
| Friggin' awful
|-
| style="text-align:right;" | An unknown number
| <font color="gray">➜</font>
| Like hundreds
|-
| style="text-align:right;" | Front runner
| <font color="gray">➜</font>
| Blade runner
|-
| style="text-align:right;" | Global
| <font color="gray">➜</font>
| Spherical
|-
| style="text-align:right;" | Years
| <font color="gray">➜</font>
| Minutes
|-
| style="text-align:right;" | Minutes
| <font color="gray">➜</font>
| Years
|-
| style="text-align:right;" | No indication
| <font color="gray">➜</font>
| Lots of signs
|-
| style="text-align:right;" | Urged restraint by
| <font color="gray">➜</font>
| Drunkenly egged on
|-
| style="text-align:right;" | Horsepower
| <font color="gray">➜</font>
| Tons of horsemeat
|}

{{comic discussion}}

[[Category:Substitution series]]
[[Category:Comics sharing name|Substitutions]]
[[Category:Charts]]
[[Category:Language]]
[[Category:Politics]]
[[Category:Animals]]
[[Category:Self-driving cars]]