Editing 2669: Things You Should Not Do

{{comic
| number    = 2669
| date      = September 7, 2022
| title     = Things You Should Not Do
| image     = things_you_should_not_do.png
| titletext = Now I'm tempted to start telling people that I secretly don't actually know how to do any physics calculations, and so all the answers in What If are based on me actually trying to do the thing and then reporting what happened, but phrased as if it's hypothetical.
}}

==Explanation==
This comic references various questions submitted by people and used in the [[what if? (blog)|''what if?'' blog]] and the ''[[What If? (book)|What If?]]'' and ''[[What If? 2]]'' books. In particular, promoting [[Randall]]'s new book, ''What if? 2'' (released 6 days after the date of this comic publication). This comic has a list of things not to do, an extension of a previous list, and is purportedly things Randall discovered as he was doing research for his book.  A visit to the [https://what-if.xkcd.com/archive/ What If? archive] shows the titles, publishing date, and a thumbnail for each article.  Many of the acts described under the "new" section of the list are depicted in these thumbnails (see table below); others are references to examples or hypotheticals explored within the articles. The entries are all in order of their appearance in the book.  

The title text says that Randall is tempted to tell people that all the things in the book were things that he actually tried to do, not that he calculated the solutions for their problems. Many of the questions/answers in his new book are impossible to attempt in real life.{{citation needed}}

===Table of things you should not do===
{| class="wikitable"
|-
!Number !! Entry !! ''What If? 2'' section referenced !! Explanation
|-
! colspan="4" | From existing list
|-
|156,812
|Eat Tide Pods
|N/A
|{{w|Consumption of Tide Pods|Tide Pod}}s are a brand of laundry detergent sold in small packets ("pods") of water-soluble gel. Many children have tried to eat them, thinking them to be candy, and have had to go to the hospital to treat poisoning. In 2017 and 2018, a satirical "challenge" originated around eating Tide Pods.
|-
|156,813
|Walk on stilts in a thunderstorm
|N/A
|Taller objects are more likely to be struck by lightning, so walking on stilts outdoors would increase the risk of death by electrocution. It would also presumably risk falling and injuring oneself that way, since the ground becomes wet in a rainstorm.
|-
|156,814
|Set off fireworks at a gas station
|N/A
|This has the risk of potentially causing an explosion in the gas station, from the sparks of the fireworks.
|-
|156,815
|Feed your cat treats that are the exact shape and texture of a human hand
|N/A
|This probably runs the risk of the cat learning that treats are in the shape of your hand, resulting in the cat attempting to eat your hand, instead of the cat treat.
|-
! colspan="4" | New!
|-
|156,816
|Lean over a geyser vent and try to look down into it
|Geyser
|Geysers shoot steam and hot water upward. If a person were to lean over the geyser and look down during an eruption, they would be struck in the face by this hot liquid and gas mixture and severely injured or killed.{{Actual citation needed}} This is a reference to the question from ''What-If? 2'' (called, appropriately enough, "Geyser"), in which it is asked what might happen to a person if they stood on top of the Old Faithful geyser as it erupted.
|-
|156,817
|Fly a hot-air balloon over a firing range
|[https://what-if.xkcd.com/81/ Catch!]
|A hot air balloon could present an irresistible target to the people firing their weapons at the range. The balloon could be shot and you could fall to your death. Shooting bullets up and over the designated backstop and berm is also a public danger to anyone past downrange.
|-
|156,818
|Peel away the earth's crust
|Lose Weight the Slow and Incredibly Difficult Way
|This is a reference to an entry in the new book, and an image of what it would look like is shown in [[2575: What If? 2]], where a potato peeler is used to remove the crust of the Earth. Several *What If* blog posts also result in massive damage to the earth's crust, including what happened to Texas [https://what-if.xkcd.com/153/ here]. 

This is a reference to a chapter from the new book, which refers to removing the Earth's mass to lose weight.
|-
|156,819
|Try to paint the Sahara Desert by hand
|[https://what-if.xkcd.com/84/ Paint the Earth]
|This would be difficult and require more paint than humanity has ever produced.
|-
|156,820
|Remove someone's bones without asking
|Short Answers #2
|A reference to a short answer question in ''What If? 2''.
|-
|156,821
|Spend 100% of your government's budget on mobile game in-app purchases
|[https://what-if.xkcd.com/108/ Expensive Shoebox]
|A reference to one of the examples listed in the answer.
|-
|156,822
|Fill a lava lamp with actual lava
|[https://what-if.xkcd.com/122/ Lava Lamp]
|A {{w|lava lamp}} is a glass lamp, which contains a wax mixture inside, and heats so that the wax rises and falls. Putting actual lava inside a regular lava lamp would most likely cause the lamp to melt and the glass to shatter, not to mention handling lava is very dangerous.{{Citation needed}} However, in this entry, Randall says it would be fairly easy to find a material that would be able to handle the heat of the lava and thus this would be rather anticlimactic.
|-
|156,823
|Drink the blood of someone with a viral hemorraghic (''sic'') fever
|[https://what-if.xkcd.com/98/ Blood Alcohol]
|Drinking someone else's blood is a bad idea unless you are a vampire. If someone has a {{w|viral hemorrhagic fever}}, it is much worse, as they have a very serious and likely deadly disease which can be transmitted by sharing bodily fluids, such as blood. Drinking blood is the theme of this answer. Randall teaches us that drinking blood would induce vomiting, and would be a VERY bad idea.
|-
|156,824
|Eat meat from rabid animals
|Short Answers #4
|Eating meat from rabid animals could give you {{w|rabies}}, a virus which is nearly always fatal if not treated prior to the appearance of initial symptoms. Pathogen contamination in cooked foods can persist on the surface of ''e.g.'' tongs, chopsticks, or a fork used to grill, which is why the USDA doesn't generally allow kitchen utensils to touch raw or ready to eat foods at all. Exceptions for utensils which touch only raw or partially cooked foods, such as grill spatulas and the like, are often allowed and can be negotiated on a case-by-case basis when they would otherwise be prohibited. The rabies virus permeates essentially all nerve tissue before symptoms appear.
|-
|156,825
|Perform your own laser eye surgery
|Eyeball
|Refers to an answer in the book regarding seeing your own eyeball as well as the end of [https://what-if.xkcd.com/82/ this answer]
|-
|156,826
|Tell California poultry regulators that your farm is selling Pokemon eggs
|Read All the Laws
|While issuing false statements to government regulators is a violation of both California and Federal law, for which prison sentences can reach ten years and fines can reach ten thousand dollars plus any compensatory damages, as per [https://california.public.law/codes/ca_penal_code_section_132 California Penal Code § 132] and [https://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/text/18/1001 18 U.S. Code § 1001], there is some question about whether any competent regulatory authority would ever take such an assertion seriously, and whether they would be liable for greater damages for doing so than the potential liability of the original culprit involved. Actually doing this, even to county level regulators, could result in a series of events very disadvantageous to you, your farm, and your employees. However, declaring that you're producing Pokémon eggs to your local municipality is probably harmless, and likely to brighten the day of your local regulators.{{cn}} Furthermore, as mentioned in ''What If? 2'', [https://california.public.law/codes/ca_food_and_agric_code_section_27637 California Food and Agricultural Code § 27637] bars anyone from making false or misleading statements about eggs, and Poké Balls could be considered a type of egg.
|-
|156,827
|Funnel the entire flow of Niagara Falls into the open window of a physics lab
|[https://what-if.xkcd.com/147/ Niagara Straw]
|An oblique reference to the image near the end of this answer.
|-
|156,828
|Pump ammonia into your abdomen
|Ammonia Tube
|{{w|Ammonia}} is an [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/EPA_list_of_extremely_hazardous_substances extremely hazardous substance] and pumping it into your abdomen would result in a painful death due to ammonia toxicity. As the book mentions, however, at the very least some of it would be neutralized with your stomach acid.
|-
|156,829
|Suspend yourself inside a 10-meter ball of sunscreen and fall into the Sun
|Sunscreen
|Despite its name, sunscreen only protects against some types of radiation from the sun. No amount is going to be adequate protection if you are right inside the sun.{{Actual citation needed}} Also, sunscreen, being a gel, would evaporate when exposed to vacuum. When exposed to the plasma of the coronal surface or the Sun's interior, it would quickly ionize along with anything inside it, becoming plasma like the rest of the Sun.
|}

==Transcript==

:[Caption:]
:Updates to my "Things You Should Not Do" list, based on what I learned writing ''What If? 2''
:(out 9/13, xkcd.com/whatif2)

:[The rest of the text appears in a box.]

:<big>Things You Should Not Do</big><br />
:(part 3647 of ????)

:[A numbered list, the first four items in a lighter grey]

:<nowiki>#156,812 Eat Tide pods</nowiki>
:<nowiki>#156,813 Walk on stilts in a thunderstorm</nowiki>
:<nowiki>#156,814 Set off fireworks at a gas station</nowiki>
:<nowiki>#156,815 Feed your cat treats that are the exact shape and texture of a human hand</nowiki>

:[A horizontal divider with the text "''New!''" in the middle in black. The remaining items on the list are also in black.]

:<nowiki>#156,816 Lean over a geyser vent and try to look down into it</nowiki>
:<nowiki>#156,817 Fly a hot air balloon over a firing range</nowiki>
:<nowiki>#156,818 Peel away the Earth's crust</nowiki>
:<nowiki>#156,819 Try to paint the Sahara Desert by hand</nowiki>
:<nowiki>#156,820 Remove someone's bones without asking</nowiki>
:<nowiki>#156,821 Spend 100% of your governments budget on mobile game in-app purchases</nowiki>
:<nowiki>#156,822 Fill a lava lamp with actual lava</nowiki>
:<nowiki>#156,823 Drink the blood of someone with a viral hemorraghic fever</nowiki>
:<nowiki>#156,824 Eat meat from rabid animals</nowiki>
:<nowiki>#156,825 Perform your own laser eye surgery</nowiki>
:<nowiki>#156,826 Tell California poultry regulators that your farm is selling Pokemon eggs</nowiki>
:<nowiki>#156,827 Funnel the entire flow of Niagara Falls into the open window of a physics lab</nowiki>
:<nowiki>#156,828 Pump ammonia into your abdomen</nowiki>
:<nowiki>#156,829 Suspend yourself inside a 10-meter ball of sunscreen and fall into the sun</nowiki>

{{comic discussion}}

[[Category:Book promotion]]
[[Category:Comics featuring Randall Munroe]]
[[Category:Animals]]
[[Category:Pokémon]]
[[Category:Cats]]
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[[Category:What If?]]