Talk:2212: Cell Phone Functions

Explain xkcd: It's 'cause you're dumb.
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I know of someone who DID build a taser into a phone... (but that's all it is now, was no space for the phone's electronics anymore) 08:05, 7 October 2019 (UTC)

Well, there are actual commercial taser phone cases available for purchase today - here's one example. Not necessarily a good idea and not legal everywhere, but it exists. --NeatNit (talk) 12:03, 7 October 2019 (UTC)

And even without checking if it already existed, tasers immediately struck me as the only idea in the comic that was remotely plausible. Most of the things in the list for one would require additional hardware to be a part of the phone, and the added weight and bulk would not seem worthwhile given the expected times one would use these things. One exception would be a steering wheel, as using wireless comunication, any necessary hardware could be added to the car instead of the phone. This doesn't seem like a good idea though normally, but once you have driverless cars, commands for where the car should go might be incorporated into a phone app. And theoretically, maybe you could have a dog wear an electric shock collar that would trigger if it got too far away from the phone without changing much on the phone hardware, though it seems there would be a lot of possible issues with making that work.-- 04:49, 9 October 2019 (UTC)

It seems a bit peculiar that one of the move "obvious" devices a cellphone can replace is missing: the watch. JohnHawkinson (talk) 08:18, 7 October 2019 (UTC)

That's because no one sane would do that ;) Some may use a Smart Watch instead of a classic watch but except of the case when you were used to pocket watches anyways a replacement of a wacth by a phone would be a downgrade usability wise. /edit: That being said: My personal "Now" bar is at the first quarter (more or less at the web browser's bar end) Elektrizikekswerk (talk) 08:29, 7 October 2019 (UTC)So that physics is nothing but the harmonies of the vibrating rubber bands.
I realize it's unlikely you're being entirely serious here, but the same argument applies to almost all of the devices listed in this comic. So…no, that's not the reason for its omission. JohnHawkinson (talk) 08:33, 7 October 2019 (UTC)
There are other things that phones can do that separate devices exist for as well that aren't listed in the comic. For instance, calculators, daily planners and memo pads, calendars, address books, video games and watching tv shows/movies, reading books (remember dedicated eReaders?), etc-- 04:55, 9 October 2019 (UTC)
Actually I was dead serious. Well except of the "no one sane" part. I don't want to offend anyone :) In the time you take your phone out of the pocket to check the time I've looked thrice at my wrist watch Elektrizikekswerk (talk) 08:54, 7 October 2019 (UTC)
The time taken isn't awfully relevant, unless you're checking the time awfully frequently. For the number of times a day I need to check the time when I'm not at a computer or already looking at my phone, the convenience of a wristwatch could easily be outweighed by the inconvenience of taking it off and putting in on each day. 09:34, 7 October 2019 (UTC)
Assuming you'd put it off. ;) (Despite the emoticon I'm serious again. I only put my watch off to change the battery) And even if I would put it off it would be more likely I forgot my phone on my desk than forgetting to put the watch on. I'm wearing a wrist watch since I was 8 or 9. But granted, the time is not as relevant as the fact that you have to put a device from out of somewhere and push a button to activate the screen just to check time. But in the end it's just a matter of personal taste and habit, I guess. Elektrizikekswerk (talk) 10:02, 7 October 2019 (UTC)
Yeah, whether it's as convenient or even as good is irrelevant: Cell phones are not as good at photos as a dedicated camera but they are used for that because they can do it without the need for a separate device, which is the point of this comic. Most people do not wear watches anymore & just use their phones instead. Watches really would belong on this list, except it might be more difficult to pin down a transitional point! Some of us stopped needing watches when we realized our Nokia 3390 had a clock in the corner. Other people may have whattimeisitrightnow dot com on their smartphone's home screen... ProphetZarquon (talk) 14:44, 7 October 2019 (UTC)
A phone in the pocket is infinitely better for me than a watch because watches make the skin underneath the wristband itch from the continuous contact. (I have atopic dermatitis.) -- 13:35, 7 October 2019 (UTC)
there was a brief period between ubiquitous cell/mobile phone use and the advent of the smartwatch where experts predicted the demise of the watch other than as a piece of jewellery Boatster (talk) 08:46, 7 October 2019 (UTC)
I always hated wearing a watch - I do sometimes use my phone for finding the time - but "Hey Google - what time is it?" works without taking it out of my pocket. The thing is though - watches were obsolete before the smartphone existed. When just about 100% of electronic devices have clock display - my cooker, microwave, toaster, car, TV, computer, etc, etc ALL tell me the time. Why would I need a watch? SmartWatches seem like a retrograde step. SteveBaker (talk) 13:17, 7 October 2019 (UTC)
Well, with a watch you always know, where to look, especially when not in your own home. So just looking at your own wrist is much faster, then scanning your enviroment for the nearest screen. --Lupo (talk) 13:29, 7 October 2019 (UTC)
"Smart Watches" that don't do much without a smartphone to connect to seem especially backwards to me. A smart watch with cellular radio would be useful on its own. Side note: So _you're_ that one person who leaves voice activation on all the time!?! Setting the very real privacy & safety issues aside for a moment... Doesn't it trigger from random conversations on an almost daily basis? I don't even know anyone who was able to leave Siri or Alexa on touchless, much less Google. ProphetZarquon (talk) 15:21, 7 October 2019 (UTC)
Newer generations are able to do so, at least partially. E.g. new generation from Garmin is able to play music to your bluetooth earpieces, without of need of a phone. --Lupo (talk) 08:22, 8 October 2019 (UTC)
I agree, it seems to me that the majority of people who had a cell phone as a teenager never acquired the habit of wearing a watch. I happen to still wear a watch and I also have a separate device that I use instead of my cell phone to make phone calls when I am at home. It's called a "telephone". And it's a fact that very few people who had a cell phone as a teenager have one of these in their homes. Rtanenbaum (talk) 19:49, 7 October 2019 (UTC)
I used to wear watch. Then the strap broke (well, the things connecting the strap to watch). So I got used to wearing them in pocket, no big deal, didn't needed them that often and never got to finding the shop where they would fix it. Then the watch broke. I got used to looking at phone. On the other hand, I'm still using "dumb" cellphone instead of smartphone for calling, the shape is just better for holding next to ear. -- Hkmaly (talk) 22:16, 7 October 2019 (UTC)

Try to translate "die eierlegende Wollmilchsau" 09:52, 7 October 2019 (UTC)

Sounds a lot like a schmoo from _Lil Abner_ by Al Capp! I wonder if the egg-legend woolmillsow is where he got the idea? ProphetZarquon (talk) 15:21, 7 October 2019 (UTC)
Die eigerlegende Wollmilchsau is a joke on tools/machines/etc which are designed to perform
a lot of incompatile tasks, but often fail to work properly. 16:37, 8 October 2019 (UTC)

There is a terrible movie - Shorts: The Adventures of the Wishing Rock - where everyone has a device called The Black Box that can do all of that, as well as pretty much anything. Its function changes kind of like a Rubik's Cube. It's an obvious parody of smartphones, except that it came out right around the time they were getting popular so I'm not sure if smartphones are the true inspiration. I can't recommend that movie (really, it's awful) but this comic reminded me of it and I wanted to share. --NeatNit (talk) 10:11, 7 October 2019 (UTC)

Also see the Guide 2.0 as depicted in the later _Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy_ novels. It would do anything its user asked, including removing all Earths from all timelines (which is what it was built for). There's an old SciFi story about a man with a hypnotic paisley tie who accidentally leaves behind a futuristic universal remote & the contemporary guy who finds it gets in trouble. Overall, the "one device that does everything" has been an idea for at least a hundred years; but I think it's not just dismissed as whimsy so easily these days. ProphetZarquon (talk) 15:21, 7 October 2019 (UTC)

Re: steering wheel, there was a James Bond movie (Pierce Brosnan era I think) where he could control a car from a phone (they were not yet called smartphones at the time). I wouldn't be surprised that the technology has already been implemented, even though I don't want to think of the legal consequences if this became mainstream: "Honestly officer, I wasn't LOOKING at my phone, I was DRIVING my car!" 11:30, 7 October 2019 (UTC)

sure it's *technically* possible: all you need is to pair the gyro/accelerometer of your phone with your car's servo steering. any vehicle with a parking assistant can be controlled that way (and security researchers have demonstrated that in impressive talks back in 2015: -- // (talk) 11:37, 7 October 2019 (UTC)
It was in Tomorrow Never Dies ( with a 'slightly' non-standard phone (pre-smartphone) and a 'slightly' non-standard car... Hardly the most unbelievable feature, though. ;) 16:06, 7 October 2019 (UTC)

I've written a first draft of the explanation and transcript, but I don't have time for anything else today. It turned out more high-flown than I intended, so feel free to reword as necessary. Also, because I'm sure it'll come up eventually, regarding the transcript: since Randall has not given any time scale, we should refrain from over-interpreting when something happened. For the joke to get through, knowing which elements happened in the past and which (might) happen in the future is enough. -- // (talk) 11:33, 7 October 2019 (UTC)

Hmmm - so let's fact check this:

  • My phone is indeed being used as a car key (I own a Tesla and my phone unlocks the car and lets me drive it), phone, camera, newspaper, credit card and flashlight - so short bars for all of these is good.
  • As a TV remote, that could be true - but we're actually edging into a "post-phone" era on that one. I can (and occasionally do) use my phone to control the Roku - but it's easier to use voice commands through Google Home for that...although I suppose I could use the phone to run Google Home instead of the Google Mini in my living 50/50 on being "post-phone" on this one.
  • As a Web Browser, I could use the phone - but only rarely actually do that. Mostly I use my ChromeBook for that, and also the screen on my Tesla - the piddly little cellphone screen guarantees it won't take over that role for more than 10% of the time.
  • He missed out "Text messaging" - but I'm using the phone less and less for that because having a decent keyboard is good - so the ChromeBook is stealing that capability.
  • Steering wheel...well, the Tesla already steers itself about 80% of the time that I drive. I predict that the steering wheel will cease to exist (at least for me) before I use my phone for that...although it certainly is capable of it in theory...and I'm pretty sure Tesla demonstrated the car being used as a radio controlled toy from a phone a few years ago...although it never made it into production (mercifully!).
  • You probably could use a phone as a bird feeder (for smaller birds - draping a dead rabbit over it to attract vultures might be a bad idea).
  • All of the others are well into the I agree with him on those.

SteveBaker (talk) 13:13, 7 October 2019 (UTC)

I feel like we could/should be reading this more literally. If we assume that Randall lives on the fairly early edge of technology, then the time from the left side of the chart to now is ~25 years. If we also assume that the time axis is linear, then we should be driving our cars with our phones in 7-8 years (though I can now drive my car through a parking lot at least using my phone, it's still doing the steering for me). Sadly brushing our teeth is still about 20 years out according to this prediction, however maybe by then our phones will be able to do some sort of ultrasonic cleaning. Jasonk (talk) 13:58, 7 October 2019 (UTC)

I'm continually surprised that nobody is known to have fallen for a joke digital toilet-tissue app called iWipe. ProphetZarquon (talk) 15:21, 7 October 2019 (UTC)

It seems like it would be good to reference Randall's rather unusual phone function proposals in the explanation. Perhaps he's suggesting that these phones will become commonly used (or at least used by him) in the future. Dry Paratroopa (talk) 14:38, 7 October 2019 (UTC)

Maybe when he says "TV remote" he's actually talking about "cable box remote". I think there's an Xfinity X1 mobile app. Barmar (talk) 16:45, 7 October 2019 (UTC)

Some (or many?) Smart TVs, such as my 6 year old LG Smart TV are also possible to connect to an app. --Lupo (talk) 08:22, 8 October 2019 (UTC)

Could the cheese grater be a reference to Apple's newest computers? I could imagine an iPhone with the "cheese grater" texture. Billtheplatypus (talk) 17:01, 7 October 2019 (UTC)

I am very curious as to what specific device Randall used for his telephone way back when before he used his phone. 17:24, 7 October 2019 (UTC)

Before he used his phone, the specific device was likely his parents phone. --Lupo (talk) 08:22, 8 October 2019 (UTC)

The comic says "I just use MY phone." Presumably, before that, he used someone else's phone, or a payphone or something. 21:54, 7 October 2019 (UTC)

If you think about it, the phone started out with maybe 4 components: microphone, speaker, bell ringer, and gizmo to alert the operator to connect to you. Newspaper was paper and ink. Flashlight was bulb and battery. They had nothing in common at all. So dog leash? Better GPS + bluetooth shock collar. Tazer? Better battery + extendable prongs. Toilet paper is easy: bluetooth enabled bidet. Honestly, the only device I would bet money on being wrong is the bird feeder. After all, who would deliberately walk away from their phone for hours on end? (besides me) 21:41, 7 October 2019 (UTC) SiliconWolf

Toilet paper is even easier than that, and you can do it with any phone. Just install three C shells. 22:59, 8 October 2019 (UTC)

I can imagine using phone as a dog leash. It could be connected with smart dog-collar that gives a shock to a dog if it moves further than chosen distance. Not that I would like such idea, but seems possible. Tkopec (talk) 08:00, 8 October 2019 (UTC)

You would still need a specific device (the dog-collar), instead of "just" using your phone. --Lupo (talk) 08:12, 8 October 2019 (UTC)

Unmentioned single purpose devices that cell phones have partially or totally replaced: radio, MP3 player, music player, personal assistant device, voice recorder, video camera. Rtanenbaum (talk) 13:12, 8 October 2019 (UTC)

Tazer sounds like a good idea, but some other personal protective devices could also be welcomed: personal alarm (press a button and loud piercing alarm scares away attacker), pepper spray, accident alert. Rtanenbaum (talk) 13:12, 8 October 2019 (UTC)

y axis order

I wonder if there is a rationale for the ordering on the vertical axis. They are mostly, but not exclusively, monotonically increasing in time. -- Mwh001 (talk) (please sign your comments with ~~~~)

I didn't research this, but it looks like the order of availibility it is sorted by. But web browser wasn't used at first, because it was just so expensive and hard to use. TV remote apps are available for quite some time, but often it is easier to just grab the remote when its close to the sofa, instead of opening the app. It remains unclear, why he switched at all. --Lupo (talk) 08:22, 8 October 2019 (UTC)
Mind Bleach please!

Toothbrush, and toilet paper? John.Adriaan (talk) 00:16, 8 October 2019 (UTC)

Make America Grate Again

Randall may be onto something with the cheese grater. If Americans ever stop grating their cheese and someone wants to force them to resume, then they could start a movement to require cell phones be designed so that you have to grate cheese with the phone before you can use the phone for anything else, and this movement could use the slogan "Make America Grate Again", and the existing MAGA hats. 04:52, 8 October 2019 (UTC)

A dog leash is entirely plausible, you put a real shock-collar on the dog, then control it from the phone. But I'm disappointed that it's not a graph of how much time per day one spends doing each task on the phone. Because using it like a phone would be the shortest one, just as in the pic above. — Kazvorpal (talk) 16:23, 8 October 2019 (UTC)

Hoot you trap off.  :-)

Ever see the “pomegranate”?

A few years ago I saw a video (spoof) of a new tech device. It was a phone with increasingly implausible and absurd features. Started off with a language translator well ahead of state of the art. Went on to things including coffee maker and harmonica. 19:37, 9 October 2019 (UTC)