Editing 1363: xkcd Phone

From the top, going clockwise:

From the top, going clockwise:

: iOS and Android are offered by different conglomerates and run on different kernels ({{w|Darwin (operating system)|Darwin}} and {{w|Linux kernel|Linux}}, respectively).  A "custom blend" would probably be a nightmare to work with.  

: iOS and Android are offered by different conglomerates and run on different kernels ({{w|Darwin (operating system)|Darwin}} and {{w|Linux kernel|Linux}}, respectively).  A "custom blend" would probably be a nightmare to work with.  

: This renders the clock useless as a means of telling time. The {{w|speed of light}} is 299,792,458 meters per second; relativistic effects, such as {{w|time dilation}}, are only noticeable at significant fractions of the speed of light. Since the phone is simulating a much slower speed of light, driving at even highway speeds will cause a significant amount of time dilation. For example, driving at 90 mph (90% of the default simulated speed of light) will give a time dilation factor of about 2.29, causing the clock to advance only 26 minutes for each hour; driving at exactly 100 mph makes the dilation factor infinite and will stop the clock entirely. Driving beyond 100 mph would make the clock start advancing through imaginary/complex time rather than real time, somehow, or maybe the phone will refuse to travel faster than 100 mph.

: This renders the clock useless as a means of telling time. The {{w|speed of light}} is 299,792,458 meters per second; relativistic effects, such as {{w|time dilation}}, are only noticeable at significant fractions of the speed of light. Since the phone is simulating a much slower speed of light, driving at even highway speeds will cause a significant amount of time dilation. For example, driving at 90 mph (90% of the default simulated speed of light) will give a time dilation factor of about 2.29, causing the clock to advance only 26 minutes for each hour; driving at exactly 100 mph makes the dilation factor infinite and will stop the clock entirely. Driving beyond 100 mph would make the clock start advancing through imaginary/complex time rather than real time, somehow, or maybe the phone will refuse to travel faster than 100 mph.

: Here it's indented as "cordless phone". This is the bare minimum a phone has to have in order to be a mobile phone, so advertising it as a feature feels dated by decades. The alternative explanation, as in the phone has no wires at all, even inside, would render the phone either useless or extremely advanced technologically.

: Here it's indented as "cordless phone". This is the bare minimum a phone has to have in order to be a mobile phone, so advertising it as a feature feels dated by decades. The alternative explanation, as in the phone has no wires at all, even inside, would render the phone either useless or extremely advanced technologically.

: A humorous function. Rather than having some sort of feature to prevent breakage or cracking when a drop is detected, the phone just makes you more aware of its potential imminent doom.

: A humorous function. Rather than having some sort of feature to prevent breakage or cracking when a drop is detected, the phone just makes you more aware of its potential imminent doom.

: Bait and switch, and also a build from the previous joke. The implied feature is that the screen or camera will automatically adjust, but instead the phone is weirdly anthropomorphized. This may also be an annoying feature as many people's phones are exposed to light quite frequently.{{citation needed}}

: Bait and switch, and also a build from the previous joke. The implied feature is that the screen or camera will automatically adjust, but instead the phone is weirdly anthropomorphized. This may also be an annoying feature as many people's phones are exposed to light quite frequently.{{citation needed}}

: This is a reference to the [http://www.flightaware.com/ FlightAware] flight tracking service. This FlightAware partnership results in the phone playing airplane engine noise whenever a flight passes over the phone's current location, an annoying and arbitrary feature. It may also be superfluous, as such noise may be heard from the plane itself, depending on altitude. This app was referenced in [[1660: Captain Speaking]].

: This is a reference to the [http://www.flightaware.com/ FlightAware] flight tracking service. This FlightAware partnership results in the phone playing airplane engine noise whenever a flight passes over the phone's current location, an annoying and arbitrary feature. It may also be superfluous, as such noise may be heard from the plane itself, depending on altitude. This app was referenced in [[1660: Captain Speaking]].

; Clear screen

; Clear screen

: There was a recent controversy surrounding an [https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/spy-cam-peek-i Indiegogo for a surreptitious, side-mounted camera device] for smartphones due to the advertisement of the device as a good way to take creep shots, which are illegal in many places. Widespread dissemination of these devices as a built-in feature would likely result in a sharp increase in delinquency of this nature. May also be an ''ad absurdum'' extension of devices with both forward and backward facing cameras.

: There was a recent controversy surrounding an [https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/spy-cam-peek-i Indiegogo for a surreptitious, side-mounted camera device] for smartphones due to the advertisement of the device as a good way to take creep shots, which are illegal in many places. Widespread dissemination of these devices as a built-in feature would likely result in a sharp increase in delinquency of this nature. May also be an ''ad absurdum'' extension of devices with both forward and backward facing cameras.

The ominous warnings and disclaimers in the title text are probably a reference to the ''Saturday Night Live'' parody ad for {{w|Happy Fun Ball}} ([https://youtu.be/GmqeZl8OI2M watch on YouTube]).

The ominous warnings and disclaimers in the title text are probably a reference to the ''Saturday Night Live'' parody ad for {{w|Happy Fun Ball}} ([https://youtu.be/GmqeZl8OI2M watch on YouTube]).

: {{w|Qualcomm}} is a semiconductor company that designs and produces chips for mobile phones. {{w|Whirlpool Corporation}} is a large American multinational manufacturer and marketer of home appliances, while {{w|Whirlpool (website)|Whirlpool}} is a prominent Australian tech forum website, originally created for discussion of Australian broadband providers but now extending to cover general tech topics, including mobile phones. The other companies and lobbying organizations mentioned here have no association with mobile phones<!-- do explain them -->, though there is a long history of unrelated companies attempting to leverage their respective brands to help promote each other. {{w|Craigslist}} is a website which displays classified advertisements such as apartments for rent and items for sale. {{w|Hostess}} is a brand of snack cakes, whose best known product is {{w|Twinkies}}. {{w|LifeStyles}} is a brand of {{w|condom}}. The {{w|US Chamber of Commerce}} is a lobbyist group known for sponsoring political campaign ads, so their partnership with a phone manufacturer would imply some sort of political motive to its design.

: {{w|Qualcomm}} is a semiconductor company that designs and produces chips for mobile phones. {{w|Whirlpool Corporation}} is a large American multinational manufacturer and marketer of home appliances, while {{w|Whirlpool (website)|Whirlpool}} is a prominent Australian tech forum website, originally created for discussion of Australian broadband providers but now extending to cover general tech topics, including mobile phones. The other companies and lobbying organizations mentioned here have no association with mobile phones<!-- do explain them -->, though there is a long history of unrelated companies attempting to leverage their respective brands to help promote each other. {{w|Craigslist}} is a website which displays classified advertisements such as apartments for rent and items for sale. {{w|Hostess}} is a brand of snack cakes, whose best known product is {{w|Twinkies}}. {{w|LifeStyles}} is a brand of {{w|condom}}. The {{w|US Chamber of Commerce}} is a lobbyist group known for sponsoring political campaign ads, so their partnership with a phone manufacturer would imply some sort of political motive to its design.

: A warning often seen on candy and other foods for people with a peanut allergy. It is highly unlikely that equipment used to produce mobile phones would also process food.{{Citation needed}}

: A warning often seen on candy and other foods for people with a peanut allergy. It is highly unlikely that equipment used to produce mobile phones would also process food.{{Citation needed}}

: Mobile phones are often sold by phone companies in combination with a cell phone contract. The {{w|New York Knicks|Knicks}}, a team with a history of questionable personnel decisions, might in fact be willing to offer 2-year contracts (worth at least $1,100,000) to cellular phone purchasers regardless of their skill at basketball, though the vast majority of customers wouldn't be interested.

: Mobile phones are often sold by phone companies in combination with a cell phone contract. The {{w|New York Knicks|Knicks}}, a team with a history of questionable personnel decisions, might in fact be willing to offer 2-year contracts (worth at least $1,100,000) to cellular phone purchasers regardless of their skill at basketball, though the vast majority of customers wouldn't be interested.

: A rather oddly specific capability, which might also be annoying for anyone attempting to host a birthday party. As to how it would do this, a very powerful directional speaker would be able to blow out a nearby candle, but the speakers in mobile phones aren't going to be that big. It is also difficult to work out how the phone would detect and identify birthday candles.  Perhaps when the phone senses light from candles, it says "hi" (see above) so loudly that they blow out.

: A rather oddly specific capability, which might also be annoying for anyone attempting to host a birthday party. As to how it would do this, a very powerful directional speaker would be able to blow out a nearby candle, but the speakers in mobile phones aren't going to be that big. It is also difficult to work out how the phone would detect and identify birthday candles.  Perhaps when the phone senses light from candles, it says "hi" (see above) so loudly that they blow out.

: Some plants, like the {{w|Venus flytrap}}, attract and trap insects, but mobile phones are not known to exhibit this behavior.{{Citation needed}} This could possibly be a play on software ''bugs'' being introduced to the phone more easily than usual, depending on the specifics of its operating system (made much more likely by its apparent custom-made blended OS (see above)). Also may be a reference to {{w|Rasberry crazy ants}} which are attracted to electronics.

: Some plants, like the {{w|Venus flytrap}}, attract and trap insects, but mobile phones are not known to exhibit this behavior.{{Citation needed}} This could possibly be a play on software ''bugs'' being introduced to the phone more easily than usual, depending on the specifics of its operating system (made much more likely by its apparent custom-made blended OS (see above)). Also may be a reference to {{w|Rasberry crazy ants}} which are attracted to electronics.

: {{w|Android rooting|Rooting}} is the method to gain privileged access on Android phones, allowing one to access features that normal users would not and should not normally modify. Adjusting the volume should be available to any user and should not be restricted to root access only.{{Citation needed}}

: {{w|Android rooting|Rooting}} is the method to gain privileged access on Android phones, allowing one to access features that normal users would not and should not normally modify. Adjusting the volume should be available to any user and should not be restricted to root access only.{{Citation needed}}

: These symptoms are usually associated with chemical or {{w|radiation poisoning}}. It is unclear why these would be cured by a {{w|factory reset}}, though software apps could plausibly be used to display nauseating visual effects. Radiation poisoning as a possible cause may also relate to the lead casing mentioned above. It is unclear how a (software-only) factory reset would repair a damaged lead casing. This may also be a reference to the series of similar disclaimers at the end of many medical advertisements.

: These symptoms are usually associated with chemical or {{w|radiation poisoning}}. It is unclear why these would be cured by a {{w|factory reset}}, though software apps could plausibly be used to display nauseating visual effects. Radiation poisoning as a possible cause may also relate to the lead casing mentioned above. It is unclear how a (software-only) factory reset would repair a damaged lead casing. This may also be a reference to the series of similar disclaimers at the end of many medical advertisements.

: Most phones are not waterproof and will probably short-circuit when submerged. The specific term of drowning would however imply that the phone breathes air (which actually would be possible if it had a {{w|Lithium–air battery}}).

: Most phones are not waterproof and will probably short-circuit when submerged. The specific term of drowning would however imply that the phone breathes air (which actually would be possible if it had a {{w|Lithium–air battery}}).

: The front of a smartphone is usually made of glass and should have a surface with very low friction. The back of a phone is usually made from a material that has higher friction to make it pleasant to hold and to make sure it doesn't slide off objects it is placed on. A [[669: Experiment|completely frictionless surface]] would make it almost impossible to hold and would make it very susceptible to drops (at which point the phone will scream).

: The front of a smartphone is usually made of glass and should have a surface with very low friction. The back of a phone is usually made from a material that has higher friction to make it pleasant to hold and to make sure it doesn't slide off objects it is placed on. A [[669: Experiment|completely frictionless surface]] would make it almost impossible to hold and would make it very susceptible to drops (at which point the phone will scream).

: These are all side effects that are associated with certain kinds of medication or radiation treatment of the brain and would not be acceptable for mobile phones. This may be the explanation for the memory loss in [[1660: Captain Speaking]].

: These are all side effects that are associated with certain kinds of medication or radiation treatment of the brain and would not be acceptable for mobile phones. This may be the explanation for the memory loss in [[1660: Captain Speaking]].

: Actions that would warrant averting your eyes are usually associated with high-intensity light capable of causing eye damage. Depending on the specific energy source, this may be accompanied by high levels of other types of radiation (e.g. making an {{w|X-ray}} photo). This may hint that the phone might be powered by a {{w|radionuclide}} battery which would explain the lead casing and the possible radiation side effects. A phone that emits X-ray radiation would not be healthy to be around. Alternately, this may be a reference to the {{w|Ark Of The Covenant}}, implying that gazing upon the battery or the compartment wall behind it is forbidden on pain of severe punishment. Or merely that with its back removed the phone would be naked, and the user should avert their eyes to preserve the phone's modesty.

: Actions that would warrant averting your eyes are usually associated with high-intensity light capable of causing eye damage. Depending on the specific energy source, this may be accompanied by high levels of other types of radiation (e.g. making an {{w|X-ray}} photo). This may hint that the phone might be powered by a {{w|radionuclide}} battery which would explain the lead casing and the possible radiation side effects. A phone that emits X-ray radiation would not be healthy to be around. Alternately, this may be a reference to the {{w|Ark Of The Covenant}}, implying that gazing upon the battery or the compartment wall behind it is forbidden on pain of severe punishment. Or merely that with its back removed the phone would be naked, and the user should avert their eyes to preserve the phone's modesty.

: In {{w|monotheistic religions}}, God is the omnipotent creator of the universe; the very notion that He could be controlled is both heretical and, under some definitions of omnipotence, impossible (under others, omnipotence includes the ability to be or not to be controlled).

: In {{w|monotheistic religions}}, God is the omnipotent creator of the universe; the very notion that He could be controlled is both heretical and, under some definitions of omnipotence, impossible (under others, omnipotence includes the ability to be or not to be controlled).