1707: xkcd Phone 4
|xkcd Phone 4
Title text: The SpaceX system carefully guides falling phones down to the surface, a process which the phones increasingly often survive without exploding.
This is the fourth entry in the ongoing xkcd Phone series, and once again, the comic plays with many standard tech buzzwords to create a phone that sounds impressive but would actually be very impractical. The previous comic in the series 1549: xkcd Phone 3 was released just over a year before this one and the next 1809: xkcd Phone 5 was released almost 8 months later.
From the top-left, going clockwise:
- 18,000 μAh (micro-Ampere hours) nickel-lithium-iron battery (non-rechargeable) Phone battery capacity is measured in ampere-hours (which, thanks to dimensional analysis, is just an unusual way of denoting electric charge; one ampere-hour is 3600 Coulombs). Usually, the capacity is quoted in milliampere-hours (one-thousandth, or 10-3, of an ampere hour); however, this one is quoted in microampere-hours (one-millionth, or 10-6, of an ampere-hour), presumably as a marketing ploy to give a more impressive-looking number. Quoted in more standard terms, this phone's battery capacity is 18 mAh. In comparison, an iPhone 6+ has a battery capacity of 2,750 mAh. This phone's battery is dreadful (under a typical current draw of 0.1A, it would power the phone for about 11 minutes). There is nothing normally called a "nickel-lithium-iron battery" — rather, this seems to be a malamanteau of the experimental nickel–lithium battery and the common lithium ion battery (which does not contain any iron) or the lithium-iron-phosphate battery, often called lithium-iron, but more often called the LiFePO battery. The nickel–iron battery may contain lithium hydroxide, but it's terrible for most applications. Worse, this battery is non-rechargeable, meaning that it would have to be replaced to use the phone again after it is exhausted (every 11 minutes, at that!).
- Subwoofer — A subwoofer is a large bass speaker, which this is not. Some phones do have high-quality speakers for playing music, but these are not placed right next to the earpiece — this would be a surefire way to deafen your users. When put next to Dog Whistle, this is probably a pun, since both relate to dogs; the English onomatopoeia for the sound a dog makes is "Woof".
- "Dog whistle" — A dog whistle is a high-pitched whistle that humans cannot hear, but dogs can. In speaker terminology, a bass speaker is called a woofer because it could reproduce the low pitch of a dog bark. A treble speaker is a tweeter; if this "whistle" is actually a speaker, it might be termed a supertweeter. The scare quotes may be a reference to "dog-whistle politics", in which certain phrases have a particular meaning to a segment of the audience that passes unnoticed by the rest. This allows a candidate to surreptitiously signal agreement with that group, without alienating the rest of the audience, among whom the ideas might be unpopular if plainly stated.
- xkcd Phone 2 contained a "dog noticer".
- Non-porous, washable — On the one hand, it's rare for a phone to be made of porous materials.  On the other, there are legitimately waterproof phones that seal the speakers and ports with rubber.
- xkcd Phone 2 was also washable (though only once).
- WebMD partnership: cough-activated feature reads aloud a random diagnosis for "coughing" — WebMD is a website to help people diagnose themselves. For the vast majority of people, a cough just means an irritated throat or maybe a cold, but selecting randomly from all WebMD diagnoses gives some much more ominous — if very unlikely — ones, including ricin poisoning, plague, lung cancer and radiation poisoning.
- Wings — These wings resemble the ones found on sanitary towels (usually called "pads", making this a possible iPad pun) which attach the pad to the gusset and keep it in place between the woman's legs during her period (Menstruation cycle). If actually functional as aerodynamic wings, they would likely come into play when the "SpaceX" impact protection feature becomes engaged, and would likely make holding the phone awkward if rigid.
- XKCD Phone 3 had a similarly positioned wristband.
- Beveled bezel — The bezel is the ring around the edge of watches and screens. This one's beveled, which means it's cut at an angle.
- Bezeled bevel — Punning on the above. Doesn't make much sense, but could mean that it features a beveled edge which is surrounded by a bezel.
- Seedless — Fruit such as grapes can be "seedless", which means that they're grown from a special cultivar that doesn't grow seeds in the normal way. Making a phone seedless probably won't do anything, but it might hurt its random number generator (or make it better if proper alternative to PRNG is introduced). Alternatively, this might be a dig at Apple's iPhone. There are seedless apples.
- XKCD Phone 3 was boneless.
- Water resistant down to 30 meters and below 50 — Water resistance is often measured in terms of how deep an object can be submerged, since pressure increases with depth. In this case, the phone can be submerged to almost any depth, but there's an odd lacuna between 30 meters and 50 meters. It also plays with the confusion in describing depths greater than 50m as "below 50". Alternatively, this might indicate the phone must remain dry above 50 meters altitude, or that it is not water resistant between 30 and 50 meters, but is waterproof otherwise.
- xkcd Phone and XKCD Phone 3 could drown. The latter was otherwise waterproof. xkcd Phone 2 was only waterproof internally.
- In a previous comic, 870: Advertising, a similarly absurd range was used: "Up to 15% or more!"
- This could be mocking the "donut hole" in American Medicare drugs insurance, where people are insured up to a certain amount, then not insured, then insured again. This doesn't appear to make sense to anyone.
- Turing-complete — A computer is Turing complete if it can perform all the operations needed to simulate a Turing machine. All modern computers are usually described as Turing complete, which would make this not very impressive, but no computer can ever be Turing complete in the truest sense (since they can only ever have a finite amount of memory) — if the xkcd Phone 4 is truly a universal computer, it's very impressive indeed.
- Gregorian/Julian calendar date switch — The Julian calendar is the predecessor to the modern Gregorian calendar — the difference is that the two calendars calculate leap years differently. The current difference between the calendars is 13 days, which will remain unchanged until February 2100. The Julian calendar is still used occasionally — mainly by Eastern Orthodox Christians — but it's not something so vital that it needs a hardwired switch on the front of the phone. This may be a play on the ability to switch the time display between a 12-hour clock and a 24-hour clock. It could also be plying with the ability to switch between Daylight Savings Time and Standard, or change time zones.
- SpaceX impact protection: when dropped, phone lands on barge — The rocket company SpaceX, at the time that this comic was released, had recently trialed a reusable rocket stage which, after separating from the launch vehicle, lands on a drone barge to be reused. Making a phone land on the nearest barge when dropped would make it very difficult to recover, although the 11-minute battery time there might be a chance to get it even if you can't catch it.
- The title text pokes fun at the number of SpaceX rockets that crashed and exploded before they got the landing gear right.
- Parallel port — A parallel port is a type of interface which transfers high-volume simultaneous data. It was often used to connect printers and other devices to computers, but was generally considered obsolete by the time smartphones began to appear on the market, and would be very bulky and slow compared to the USB ports generally used in phones. It was commonly found together with serial ports, which are used for low-volume sequential data such as mouse movements. Here it is paired with a serial interface for analog data with parallel outputs for several people.
- 12 headphone jacks — Headphone jacks are circular ports in a phone that allow audio to be played through headphones connected to the jack. There were constant rumours that Apple's next iPhone would not have any headphone jacks (which eventually proved true for the iPhone 7 announcement two months after this comic). Also, Google was developing a module for the now-cancelled Project Ara (archive here), a modular smartphone. This module allows the device to have Four headphone jacks, which would allow audio to be shared among 4 people, each occupying one port. The xkcd phone takes this too far when they install a whopping TWELVE of them, which is completely overkill because almost nobody needs to connect to 12 headphones at once. 12 headphones will also drain the battery, like the wireless discharging in the XKCD Phone 3, because playing audio through 24 speakers, two for each pair of headphones, is very power-consuming.
- Onboard cloud — The "cloud" is a catch-all term for the use of remote computers to store data, providing a backup if all local copies are lost and allowing the data to be accessed from a broad network. An "onboard cloud" would thus be a contradiction in terms, and appears to be a marketing ploy to use the "cloud" buzzword to describe the device's onboard storage capacity.
- New BrightGloTM display incorporates genetically spliced jellyfish protein (should have used the glowing genes, not the stinging ones) — Aequorea victoria is a species of jellyfish that contains green fluorescent protein, a gene that is bioluminescent and gives off light. This protein was supposed to be used to light the phone's screen. Unfortunately, the developers messed up, and accidentally took the stinging kind, which means that touching the phone screen will be as painful as a jellyfish sting i.e. very painful.
- ✓ Certified — Twitter certifies accounts related to music producers, government, journalism, business, sports, and other more "official" types of accounts with a blue checkmark besides the twitter handle (besides the @whomever). Since Elon Musk's recent aquisition of Twitter, blue checkmarks now can be purchased by anyone for $8/month. It's of course nonsense for a phone to be twitter verified. Alternatively, it might be a reference to 1096: Clinically Studied Ingredient, in which buzzwords such as "tested" and "certified" are intended to make a given product sound more legitimate.
- Software-defined — Software-defined radios are quite popular in some areas, meaning the radio hardware is quite universal and can be adapted to different radio protocols just by changing software. SDR would actually be quite a nice feature for a cellphone. Of course it doesn't specify if it's the radio that is software defined.
- Exposed ductwork — A phone shouldn't even have ductwork, unless it has a very sophisticated cooling system, but this could supply air to the dog whistle. Exposed ductwork is a trademark of Bowellist architecture such as the Lloyd's Building in London and the Pompidou Centre in Paris. Exposed ductwork is also considered a crucial flaw in a death star. May also refer to a transparent window in the side of the phone allowing the user to see the circuitry inside, similar to computer cases with transparent side panels popular among DIY computing enthusiasts.
- Voice interaction: Siri, Cortana, Google Now and Alexa respond simultaneously — These are all intelligent personal assistant software (from Apple, Microsoft, Google and Amazon respectively) and all do the same thing: control your phone and answer questions using speech recognition. Having all four talk at once would mean you'd have a total cacophony while gaining nothing.
- XKCD Phone 3 might have included Siri.
- Did you know "4" is "IV" in Roman numerals?®©™ — the tenth version of Apple's operating system for its Macintosh computer was labeled OS X, which was intended to be read as "oh ess ten". Steve Jobs was irritated that everyone else preferred "oh ess ecks". This phrase is labeled with trademark and copyright symbols, as if someone desires it to be the product's tagline but has poor understanding of relevant laws. In particular, "™" is a symbol for unregistered trademarks while "®" is a symbol for registered trademarks. If the phrase were an unregistered trademark, the owner would be prohibited from using "®".
- [An image of a smartphone featuring wings is shown. Clockwise from the top left the labels read:]
- 18,000 μAh nickel-lithium-iron battery (non-rechargeable)
- "Dog whistle"
- Non-porous, washable
- WebMD partnership: Cough-activated feature reads aloud a random diagnosis for "coughing"
- Beveled bezel
- Bezeled bevel
- Water resistant down to 30 meters and below 50
- Gregorian/Julian calendar switch
- SpaceX impact protection: When dropped, phone lands on barge
- Parallel port
- 12 headphone jacks
- Onboard cloud
- New BrightGloTM display incorporates genetically spliced jellyfish protein (should have used the glowing genes, not the stinging ones)
- ✓ Certified
- Exposed ductwork
- Voice interaction: Siri, Cortana, Google Now and Alexa respond simultaneously
- [Below the phone:]
- The xkcd Phone 4
- Did you know "4" is "IV" in Roman numerals?®©™
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